All Are Welcome by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Drama - A psychic helps a wife of a deceased police officer overcome her loss by telling the latter her husband used to cheat on her. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

P.S. This is a rework of a previous OWC script.

I swear I've read a similar script on here, like for an OWC or something, but anyway...

SPOILERS

First of all, your logline is the complete opposite of what the script tells. It's actually a psychic that helps a deceased police officer. Irene has nothing to do with it until the very end, and even then, she already knew that he was cheating on her, it seems, with her line about how she should be the one crying because he lied to her.

Why is this "MAN" talking in third person about himself? If he's Pedro, why is he referring to Pedro in third person? Do spirits forget their own identity when they die? And if so, why can he remember who Irene is but not himself?

How does this "MAN" know that people are ready to press charges if he's dead?

I like the sentiment, but some things just don't make much sense to me.

Hi Sean. Yes, it was submitted before to a writers tournament. You read it and commented, I remember.
In the logline I do mean the psychic tells the wife of the officer. I actually don’t get where I went wrong with that.

Pedro at the beginning is mad at the psychic and is trying to scare her. That’s why he pretends he’s alive - and that’s what he would do if he was alive. So, that’s why he says what he says.

Thank you for the read and pointing out the areas that are not so clear to you. I’ll see what I can do about that.

heres the original:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521421645/

Quoted from Don P.S. This is a rework of a previous OWC script.

That was the clue lol

I thought it was quite good, I get why the "Man" was talking about Pedro, because he was pretending NOT to be him.

The thing about it for me was it was very very reminiscent of "Ghost"

Quoted from AndyJ I thought it was quite good, I get why the "Man" was talking about Pedro, because he was pretending NOT to be him. The thing about it for me was it was very very reminiscent of "Ghost"

Thanks for the read, Andy. Yes, I see why you say that.
I’ll read your Tattoo later

Hey, Kham:

I liked the story. I do think there needs to be some trimming on the dialogue - some minor examples to follow.

A nit thought - Given that Pedro is not in a uniform and is also pretending to investigate a crime, you may want to make him Detective Pedro rather than Policeman Pedro.

Also, in the opening I think there needs to be a bit more on why he is there – I now know the twist is coming, but for the reader there may be the need for a bit more. Stephania – Can I help you? Then he flashes the badge – Man – We received a complaint.  Something like that anyway.

Quoted Text She invites him to sit. The Man takes his phone out and places it on the table. He punches a few keys.

The imagery is a bit off. You don’t really punch keys on a phone – perhaps something like – he swipes the screen, taps a voice recorder icon.

Quoted Text MAN Don’t you tape your clients whenever you feel like it?

I’d so with “record” rather than tape. And you don’t need the whenever you feel like it.

Quoted Text MAN Tell me what you do, and why.

You don’t need the “and why.”

Quoted Text STEPHANIA Well, you must know that I help people get over their loved ones.

You don’t need the “Well, you must know.”  But, if you want to add that sentiment, I’d break it up. E.g.,

MAN
Tell me what you do.

STEPHANIA
You already know. Why else would you be here?

MAN
I need it for the record.

Quoted Text STEPHANIA No, I only help to cope with loss.

Think you need a “them” after help.

Quoted Text MAN You know people aren’t happy with your services, right? You should tell me more, as some of them are ready to press charges. Stephania sighs.

I thought the above was the weakest part of the script. His statement didn’t seem genuine (for a Cop) nor her response. And you don’t need it anyway.

Quoted Text STEPHANIA I tax every penny of what I make.

I think you mean I pay taxes on every….

Quoted Text STEPHANIA You may not like it, but my clients obtain closure this way. See, most of them don’t get a chance for a final talk with their beloved. And that’s when I come in.

Shouldn’t it be “where” I come in?

Quoted Text MAN Let’s talk Irene Ketchum. After Pedro been shot, you told her on his behalf that he cheated on her.

Should be Pedro “was” shot

I'll stop there - take a another pass at the dialogue - needs a bit of care. The story itself is a very good one.

Thank you, Dave, for a detailed pass at the dialogue and other points. All sound advice like usual. I’m going to make an adjustment and give it another pass, I’ll definitely do.

Quoted from khamanna Thank you, Dave, for a detailed pass at the dialogue and other points. All sound advice like usual. I’m going to make an adjustment and give it another pass, I’ll definitely do.

My pleasure

Okay, Khamanna, I'll jump on the bandwagon.

Mmmmmm. For some reason, I kept thinking of Hitchcock when I read this. Now, this might be because I've seen so so many of his films or, it could be for some other reason. I dunno.

As far as the story, yep- I liked this.  I could picture it easily. The overall tension is well drawn,  and I felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department, but methinks you could fine-tune some of the dialogue... cut it short, make it more succinct for more punch.

Once again... my opinion is my own, and therefor worthless... :) Best of luck- Andrea

PS - Ohhh.... No nitpickiness to report. ;D

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Okay, Khamanna, I'll jump on the bandwagon. Mmmmmm. For some reason, I kept thinking of Hitchcock when I read this. Now, this might be because I've seen so so many of his films or, it could be for some other reason. I dunno. As far as the story, yep- I liked this.  I could picture it easily. The overall tension is well drawn,  and I felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department, but methinks you could fine-tune some of the dialogue... cut it short, make it more succinct for more punch. Once again... my opinion is my own, and therefor worthless... :) Best of luck- Andrea ;D

Hey, thanks Ghostie:) I'm def giving it another look and will try to compress and cut and other stuff. Let's see what comes out of it.
PS - Ohhh.... No nitpickiness to report.

Hey, Kham. Gave this a read. Cute story.

The writing is actually pretty good. I saw everything you wanted me to. Only thing that jumped out to me is when you reveal the Man to be Pedro, you keep his name as The Man in his first dialog after the reveal. Probably just a typo, so no biggie. Also, why did Pedro seem unaware of who he was at first? That was a little odd.

Some of the dialog reads a little awkwardly. Nothing a few more passes won't fix.

Storywise, I question the relevance of the flashback sequence. It just doesn't really seem needed.

Still, this was an enjoyable little story. Good work.




:)

Khamanna,

Don’t ever remember reading this. Must have missed this OWC.

I liked this a lot. Nice twist and all, sparse and a quick read. Only thing that kinda brings this down is why would she tell Irene that Pedro cheated on her in the first place? (Sorry if you’ve answered this already - did not read comments yet) This is actually a sweet little story and I feel the lying part doesn’t really add much to this. Kinda takes from it.

Overall, very good.

Steve

Hi Zack. Thanks for the read. Yeah, I don�t like that flashback but don�t know how to get rid of it just yet. I�m scared of questions.

Thanks for reading, Steven. She knew he was cheating, and thought it could help Irene move on but then took pity in Pedro and decided to lie for him.
Glad you liked it)

Kham, nice work... with a few hiccups in the writing/phrasing of dialogue - a couple Dave already pointed out so I won't labour the point.

I personally don't have a problem with the flashback. I suppose the only reason to do a work around with that is if you want to stay with a very low budget and logistics for one location.

I'm going to wait for the next draft (seeing as you said you're doing one) before I had my tuppence, suffice to say I love the idea/story - yes, there is a nice nod to Ghost with this - but you've also made it your own creation.

I've got to say I'm not sold on the title which just seems a little benign to me.

If I come up with an alt I'll suggest it with notes on the next draft.  :)

P.S. Forgot to say... The title and the phrase Stephanie uses All Are Welcome would work for me more if you describe her character as being quite flamboyant and expressive with her hands, a bit hippy-dippy, incense burning, beaded curtains etc. At the moment I don't think in her thirties, clearly deprived of sleep gives much insight into her character. Just a thought...

Thanks Libby. I’m gonna use what you said about the psychic. So you’re saying more of a Gypsy weirdo. I’ll think about it. I thought a serious looking woman who dedicated her life to helping others and is tired for that reason. I’ll try to close my eyes and see her. Or maybe visit a psychic or two. My daughter did btw and that led her to a crisis center you know. Which might have been a good thing for her in the long run. But I digress..,
Thanks for the read, I’ll put your comments to use

Khamanna!

So, I like the story a lot. The emotional core is strong, it's a good twist. But I think you spend too much time dancing around it before you dive in. The flashback, even the wait for Irene to enter the building, can be streamlined.

You've got Pedro storming in, furious. The crux of it is, he's upset Irene believes he was unfaithful. He wants Irene to be able to move on with a clear heart.

First words could be something like, "Irene Ketchum. That name ring a bell?".

He accuses Stephania right off the bat of being a charlatan trying to take advantage of a grieving widow. Lying about Pedro's fidelity. He gets more and more upset till she turns the tables...

Reveals Irene's been in the room the whole time. This is all part of the seance or whatever it is.

Hopefully that makes sense. I'm writing this fast cuz I gotta be somewhere. The reveal is more elaborate than it really needs to be is what I'm trying to say. I think...

But I liked it!

Thanks James for the read and ideas. I get what you’re saying, let’s see if I’ll come up with anything regarding that. I’ll certainly try

Hi Khamanna,

I just wanted to chime in and say I liked the story and the twist. well done...For some reason I couldn't get my head a round the flashback and earring situation. I think it's me because no one else has mentioned that it was confusing. I have fog brain right now so I'm sure it's me.

Look forward to reading the rewrite..:)

Cheers K.

Thank you Kirsten. I’m thinking of a way to eliminate the flashback. The psychic doing a research is kind of a stretch. Besides she can use her visions instead, so that part is a def redo!

Khamanna

Conceptually, this has great potential. There are many ways you could develop it into something more substantial.

As it written though, it feels a little talky. A lot of telling and not much showing. I would suggest starting with Stephania amid actually embodying the role she describes for another client without any set up. This immediately gets us asking questions and wondering what is going on before we learn of it. It would feel like a more cinematic/less stagey way of executing the story.

The moral message of Stephania essentially lying to Irene in order to give her happiness or a sense of closure is a curious one. I'm not sure how I feel about it and that's a good thing. Its a genuine conundrum. Still, for such a weighty choice, it can't help feeling glossed over due to the script's brevity.

Have you ever seen Yorgos Lanthimos' (Dogtooth, The Lobster, The Favourite) "Alps"? It has a very similar premise.

Col.

Thanks Col, I’ll have to try to make it less talky. I think I’m starting to know how, I just need to get to the core faster. And like James says quit dancing around it. But let’s see, easier said than done.

I want to tell everyone that I’m very appreciative of each and everyone’s feedback! One way or another you really highlighted the problems and gave me ideas how to work them out. No need for reads anymore as I have plenty to work with. I may try different approaches not only one. Thanks again!