Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Horror  /  Eyes of the Stone
Posted by: Don, January 19th, 2020, 7:08pm
Eyes of the Stone by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - Saurav, an art gallery worker, buys a painting that he knows nothing about and unknowingly puts his life in danger. 5 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)
Posted by: Yuvraj, January 19th, 2020, 10:30pm; Reply: 1
This was my very first script so do consider to give it a read. That will be helpful.
Posted by: eldave1, January 21st, 2020, 9:12pm; Reply: 2
Yuvraj:

You need to learn how to properly format scene headings. Here is a good source:

https://www.keepwriting.com/tsc/formatclear.htm

Lost the watermark on the script pages - it is very distracting.
Posted by: JohnMcCarthy, January 31st, 2020, 6:11pm; Reply: 3
Yuvraj,

I agree with the comment above that the watermark distracts from story. And, yes, there are some formatting errors, although I'm new at screenwriting myself, so what do I know? :)

I did find your story to be scary though. The scene in the car, with the painting in the rearview mirror really gave me the creeps. And I mean that as a compliment.
Posted by: Yuvraj, January 31st, 2020, 11:57pm; Reply: 4
Thank you JohnMcCarthy. I know the watermark is distracting, it was by chance as I was exploring the features.

I would love to read your scripts as well.
Posted by: Yuvraj, March 15th, 2020, 11:16pm; Reply: 5
Hello there,

First up thanks Don for posting. This is a revised version of the previous script.

I tried to make the changes as advised by Eldave1(thank you for your input).

Hope you guys like it and care to share your views on this.

Thanks once again.
Posted by: Dustin, March 16th, 2020, 3:47am; Reply: 6
English is clearly a second language... if it isn't, you're in trouble. Too many errors on the first page meant that I was out about half-way down.

Here is your first line:

Code

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
The road is quite with fewer number of vehicles.



Two errors within the first line. The sentence is not structured well at all.

Second line:

Code

INT. CAR
SAURAV BHATT(30s), drives the car.



If Saurav drives and we are in a car, it's safe to assume he is driving the car we are in. You don't need to mention the car twice. Also, I'm assuming this guy is some type of Asian. I'd have to Google the name to figure out what type as you haven't given any more description than that. There's nothing on this guy at all. Just that he's in his 30s.


3rd line:

Code

He sees a board of Yard Sale at a distance.



Another poorly constructed sentence. I'm not going to rewrite this for you because even if perfectly written, the sentence itself is bad.

4th line:

Code

Parks the car and goes in with no intention to buy.



He parks the car? How do we know he doesn't have any intention to buy? He saw the sign, stopped the car and takes a look... if I was watching, my assumption would be that he was looking to buy something. Otherwise, why waste his time taking a look?

If I were you, I'd read some English novels to learn how to construct sentences in a way that makes them pleasurable to read.
Posted by: Yuvraj, March 16th, 2020, 11:47am; Reply: 7
Thanks.
Posted by: Dustin, March 16th, 2020, 1:21pm; Reply: 8
No problem. Take my advice on reading novels seriously. It will help a lot with your vocabulary and sentence structure
Print page generated: March 30th, 2020, 6:18pm