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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Eyes of the Stone
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  Author    Eyes of the Stone  (currently 379 views)
Don
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Eyes of the Stone by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - Saurav, an art gallery worker, buys a painting that he knows nothing about and unknowingly puts his life in danger. 5 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 15th, 2020, 12:50pm
revised draft
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Yuvraj
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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This was my very first script so do consider to give it a read. That will be helpful.
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eldave1
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Yuvraj:

You need to learn how to properly format scene headings. Here is a good source:

https://www.keepwriting.com/tsc/formatclear.htm

Lost the watermark on the script pages - it is very distracting.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JohnMcCarthy
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yuvraj,

I agree with the comment above that the watermark distracts from story. And, yes, there are some formatting errors, although I'm new at screenwriting myself, so what do I know?

I did find your story to be scary though. The scene in the car, with the painting in the rearview mirror really gave me the creeps. And I mean that as a compliment.
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Yuvraj
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you JohnMcCarthy. I know the watermark is distracting, it was by chance as I was exploring the features.

I would love to read your scripts as well.

Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  February 1st, 2020, 1:39am
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Yuvraj
Posted: March 15th, 2020, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hello there,

First up thanks Don for posting. This is a revised version of the previous script.

I tried to make the changes as advised by Eldave1(thank you for your input).

Hope you guys like it and care to share your views on this.

Thanks once again.

Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  March 16th, 2020, 3:03am
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Dustin
Posted: March 16th, 2020, 3:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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English is clearly a second language... if it isn't, you're in trouble. Too many errors on the first page meant that I was out about half-way down.

Here is your first line:

Code

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
The road is quite with fewer number of vehicles.



Two errors within the first line. The sentence is not structured well at all.

Second line:

Code

INT. CAR
SAURAV BHATT(30s), drives the car.



If Saurav drives and we are in a car, it's safe to assume he is driving the car we are in. You don't need to mention the car twice. Also, I'm assuming this guy is some type of Asian. I'd have to Google the name to figure out what type as you haven't given any more description than that. There's nothing on this guy at all. Just that he's in his 30s.


3rd line:

Code

He sees a board of Yard Sale at a distance.



Another poorly constructed sentence. I'm not going to rewrite this for you because even if perfectly written, the sentence itself is bad.

4th line:

Code

Parks the car and goes in with no intention to buy.



He parks the car? How do we know he doesn't have any intention to buy? He saw the sign, stopped the car and takes a look... if I was watching, my assumption would be that he was looking to buy something. Otherwise, why waste his time taking a look?

If I were you, I'd read some English novels to learn how to construct sentences in a way that makes them pleasurable to read.


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Yuvraj
Posted: March 16th, 2020, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Thanks.
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Dustin
Posted: March 16th, 2020, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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No problem. Take my advice on reading novels seriously. It will help a lot with your vocabulary and sentence structure


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