Forsaken by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - A young mans heart is breaking after his girlfriend leaves him, his Father hatches a plan to help. 5 pages

contest: Winner of the SWN short script award 2020 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is a very sweet (if sad) story. Very nicely told. If there were any formatting or spelling issues I missed them. Well done!

Quoted from JohnMcCarthy This is a very sweet (if sad) story. Very nicely told. If there were any formatting or spelling issues I missed them. Well done!

Thanks for the read and the compliment. I have changed the names and waiting to upload the new version. I just felt the names are too similar.

Hello AJ,

Gave this one a read.

There are some punctuations missing. Some grammatical errors too.

A bit confused at the ending though. I hope you will care to explain that to me. I'll wait.

Peace.

Quoted from Yuvraj Hello AJ, Gave this one a read. There are some punctuations missing. Some grammatical errors too. A bit confused at the ending though. I hope you will care to explain that to me. I'll wait. Peace.

What confused you?

Quoted from AndyJ What confused you?

The last two scenes.

What to figure out about LOUISE been in her bed and BRAD suddenly feeling better about his break up?

Quoted from Yuvraj The last two scenes. What to figure out about LOUISE been in her bed and BRAD suddenly feeling better about his break up?

I'm actually not even going to bother, I'll give you a clue though... no one broke up

We're back we're bad, you're black I'm mad,

It's been a while since I've been here. This script is going to be produced soon, casting call has gone out so hopefully in the new year.

AJ,

Very sad, and thought provoking. I thought this was a typical breakup scenario at first, so you got me there.

BRAD (CONT'D)
So you.... Maybe this should be an open-ended question mark. So you...?
Meant to echo the opening 'Do you want to...?', I assume.

Should be 'lying on her bed', not laying.
It reads well. I have to wonder though if it would be entirely satisfying on screen without more backstory. I felt like more story was needed.

Thanks for reading and the feedback

I forgot to mention that this script was picked up from here, as was another of mine that was produced a couple of years ago. I would say, get your scripts up on here... you never know

Quoted from AndyJ I forgot to mention that this script was picked up from here, as was another of mine that was produced a couple of years ago. I would say, get your scripts up on here... you never know

Do I need to remove the script?   And, glad the site is of use to you.

- Don

Yeah this site has worked out for me and hopefully it'll gives others hope that their scripts could get picked up on here.

No I'm happy to leave it up, I've not given it as exclusive

Thanks Don

Normally when you give an exclusive you take it down, at least for the Option period and especially if sold.

Do you mean exclusive or non exclusive?

Quoted from LC Normally when you give an exclusive you take it down, at least for the Option period and especially if sold. Do you mean exclusive or non exclusive?

Quoted from AndyJ No I'm happy to leave it up, I've not given it as exclusive

I said NOT exclusive

Hey, Andy.

A Nice, but sad piece.

I was curious about the breakup that never happened. Nice twist.

The two voices, dad and son, were distinct.

I was wondering if the LOUISE scene needs to be a FLASHBACK, happened some time ago,
in the past.

Good luck with getting it produced.

Frank