Mayhem's Best Snuff: Volume 6 by Drayton Sawyer - Short, Horror, Graphic, Black Comedy - The making of a snuff film goes horribly right. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Reader strongly cautioned for graphic depictions.

This is awful on so many levels. I feel like it's the writers own personal piece to get off to.

Why would anyone write something this distasteful.

I'm not sure whether to be appalled or to roll on the floor laughing. I have to ask: were you high when you wrote this? Wait. Don't answer that.

Hard to imagine anything being too offensive these days.  I know, I know.

To be honest,  I found it offensive, and didn't think it was funny, either.  If you're going for comedic effect, I think you need something a little more abrupt, grandiose and surprising rather than just going for offensive.  JMHO, your audience should be thinking, "Holy crap, where'd he come up with that?" rather than, "Wow, he decided to go there, huh?"  If that makes any sense...

Ugh, MY spidey senses tells me... I had better stop there... -A

I don't get the negative posts about this. We are all writers and should surely know that what we right doesn't define us. I got it, it reminded me of Hostel. Are we really getting to the stage where we can't write what we want for fear of offending someone?

Whoever wrote this, well done and don't be put off to write whatever you like. There are many bad things going on in the world, should we not write about them?

Just one thing:

"MAN
Tell our audience exactly what is"

My first read.

WOW!  Kind of shocked, to be honest, but I also have to say, this is very well written, very clean, almost mistake-free (Page 6 - "the Mayhem's corpse" - should just be "Mayhem's corpse"), and extremely powerful.

For me, it works on literally every single level imaginable, and that's saying alot.  Without the "twist" at the end, it wouldn't work, but because you included something we sure as shit didn't expect, you created an actual story, and I was happy as shit when Leah did her thang and then the big BossMan...uh...I mean big Bosswoman, leveled the paying field.

This is strong, this is ballsy, this is what pushes the envelope.  One of the very best shorts I've read in some time.

If the rest are anywhere near this quality, I'm sure glad I bowed out this OWC.

Excellent work, writer!  Be you and write what you feel.  Some may not appreciate this, but don't worry about that.

*****

Good writing. Bold writing.

Story didn't do it for me, though. But whoever wrote this has chops. Kudos for that.

First one out of the gate for me.

As someone who's written and watched all kinds of extremely violent and deviant stuff, I have to say that this one still misfired for me. I think when we write horror material where there often is very violent killings and such, there still needs to be a reason for it. You can have all kinds of short stories. Sometimes, if comedy, for example, you have a build-up to a punchline. In dramas, you usually try to have story and character. With horror, IMHO, you still need to have some suspense or horror or such feel to it. This one just seemed like a bunch of batshit crazy stuff happened, but I didn't care about any of the characters and because of that I didn't really care what happened to anyone.

In fairness though, I can see it being a scene in a longer horror piece, but as is, it does not work, IMO.

I liked it. Seems to have met the criteria - syringe, sickness (mental), sand. Had a beginning, middle, end. Didn’t meander and was entertaining. Not much more to ask for. Good job.

Steve

Well, the opening SUPER not needed. At least where it is.

Still debating in my mind if it met the criteria.

Writing is fine, but the script is not for me. Not at all  - here's the deal.

I'll be honest. Yes, I found it distasteful, extreme and gratuitous and will rate it lower than I otherwise would based on writing alone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Of course you should write what you want.  Just recognize that for a challenge like this one it's not strategic. It is too far on the edge that by it's very nature it is going to alienate some reviewers. By way of example, if we had an OWC that involved a baby and a pacifier and you decided to write a story about a baby being raped with a pacifier - it could be Tarantino level quality - but I'd be out.
Hope that make sense.

Bold choice—some might say niche…

Haven’t read the other comments but I’m guessing it’s a divided field.  Morbid curiosity got the better of me and I read till the end. It’s just too grim for my tastes—just not a fan of this kind of horror.  I’m not offended by it but taking a sledgehammer to helpless bikini-clad young women for fun will rarely gain you fans—but then you knew that when you wrote it.

Technically, it’s a good script, easy on the eye and flows well.  The last dialogue between Goon and Woman did something to inject a little (very) dark humour to offset the gratuitous violence.  Had you played this straight, I would have felt differently.

For some reason, I just keep thinking of actor Dean Winters in those Allstate ads.
;D

Anyhow, I wasn't too keen on the camera angles, even though this appears to be some sort of snuff broadcast or found footage. I don't see the humor in the setup. I suppose maybe if the heads exploded like melons and chunks of pineapple and c antelope splattered out, maybe . Or some carnage is OS. I mean, there have been OWC entries in the past that have been gory or grim(or both) and this OWC seems to be no exception. I'm not opposed to coffin humor or zingers, but  even Rob Zombie doesn't always get away with sadism in his films.

The dialog is awful. I'm tempted to say this was written fast, maybe some peep was pissing in the wind. Someone here needs medication.

After reading this, maybe I should pop a few pills.
And down them with Scotch.

A Super on a snuff film? Sure, go for it.

A set for snuff film? Sure, you didn't add this bit to get sand in the script? I'll let you off this time.

A totally unnecessary syringe that has no explanation of what's in it or what it's for or who put it in Amber's arm? Fuck, no!

Feels like this is someone's great idea to go for an envelope-pushing gross-out, possibly not written for this OWC.

And of course finish with some corpse fucking, why not throw it all in there.

It's not a black comedy it's just tawdry.

Aww… what a heartwarming tale – xxoo

For some reason your character Mayhem reminded me of ‘The Juggernaut’ from ‘Thir13en Ghosts’, but that’s not right cause I think he just broke people in half and shit. But there was a ghost who was actually called ‘The Hammer’, and he actually DID have a sledgehammer surgically grafted to his arm. Cause, y’know… if someone’s gonna call the cops to report a domestic violence abuse, ya might as well make it count.

I always thought ‘snuff’ was when they raped – then murdered, and not the other way around, cause wouldn’t what you scripted here most likely appease an audience of necrophiliacs and not snuff addicts? Not that either is the lesser of the two.

Stay with me here while I shoot off on a tangent: some say Vampires do exist because they drink the blood of someone who was traumatized before death, not while alive. Hollywood seems to have gotten it wrong from the beginning. This has to do with the hypothesis of the Pineal Gland dumping a full load of DMT at the moment of death.

Quote: “Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) an intense naturally-occurring psychedelic that’s also found endogenously in the human body. It’s not as popular as LSD or psilocybin, though its use has grown over time. The most popular route of administration is inhalation, but it’s also frequently taken orally in ayahuasca-like preparations. It has at least been used for centuries.”

So, taken orally and in use for centuries means ancient or folk stories of Vampires running amok  stealing people (mainly children), traumatizing them, torturing them, murdering them, and then drinking their blood for that ultimate out-of-body Astral Flight produced via DMT… just might not be folklore at all. Considering LSD didn’t exist till the 21st century, and psilocybin (mushrooms) were not readily available to every inhabitant on earth back then, then it’s safe to say that DMT was most likely all the rage in and amongst the underground elite way back in the day.

Snuff may have been born out of this (Vampirism among the elite), but I’m not going to investigate any further. The off camera woman stating that she’s an ‘artist’ holds a perhaps bit of reason (albeit sick and twisted) for the senseless killings, but a mechanism to catch DMT soaked blood and worshiped as the ‘prize’ to be sold to the highest bidder through the underground porn industry… well, now were going deep into why shit like this happens in the matrix of debauchery. If it was toned down a notch, this could actually be scripted more towards something like ‘8MM’ with Nicolas Cage, but with the DMT laden blood angle. Just an afterthought.

Anyway, not really my bag, but nothing really is nowadays anyway, so… what do I know. Graphic, but I assume that’s what you were going for - puke-a-roni-and-cheese. I’ll score you well because this would be great wedged somewhere between the first and second commercial run during ‘The Hilarious House of Frankenstein’, and it’s sugary sweet, and so is Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry cereal. Coincidence…? I think not.

I think this accomplishes just what it sets out to do. If it weren't for the twist and the end dialogue, this would just be a gruesome sequence and not at all my bag, but the way you went about it, it worked for me, overall. I'm not a fan of the dialogue, but I'm sure it's a deliberate choice. The writing is good, the action is clear - no complaints there ;)

I saw the comments building on this one, decided to check it out.

I can enjoy the torture genre provided there is something fresh in the script to justify the mayhem.  Not sure this one has it, but at the same time, it does not read to me like the script was knocked off quickly.  The writing is solid enough.

In terms of feedback, I like the Temptations music pick that almost feels like a nod to Tarantino.  But two songs is overkill.

Not sure a syringe to the nuts would be so thoroughly debilitating as described here, maybe use one of those huge syringes like for cows or something.  In any event, you should consider changing up, "Oh no!  My dick!" which is unintentionally(?) hilarious dialogue.

Nothing for this author to be ashamed of, though.  A good enough script for its intended audience, which admittedly isn't everyone.

Very bold and courageous attempt.

Despite all the gore and violence, the ending is what makes it unique. Excellent writing!

Breezy read and finds a nice tone. Boring with no story. Serbian Film beat you to the final gag, if I recall correctly.

There are movies like The Dead Girl, Human Centipede, then that famous Pazzolini movie...

I understand you’re a fan, and trying to explore that genre. But why to write a short, or write anything for that matter. Just get a camera and start filming whatever. It’s basically another kind of porno - graphic horrific porn.
One Russian filmmaker just made a name for herself just like that. Her movies are surely nonsensical. I’m sure she didn’t enter the scripts into competitions, she just started filming crazy horrific pornographic gibberish.
It’s weird to see you wrote this for a challenge. But your call. I don’t think it’ll be rated well but whatever.

That just sounded like you were offended and wanted to vent. "porno"  wow, nothing pornographic unless it was in your mind.

Quoted from AndyJ That just sounded like you were offended and wanted to vent. "porno"  wow, nothing pornographic unless it was in your mind.

"Torture porn" is a fairly well-established concept/term.

Quoted from Heretic "Torture porn" is a fairly well-established concept/term.

Where was the "Porn" ???

"torture porn" is a category of film, entertainment, whatever.

Look it up...you'll understand.

Nothing at all wrong with torture porn, in my book, but some...many hate it, as they can't handle it.

Quoted from AndyJ Where was the "Porn" ???

The bolded text in my above comment is a link :)

khamanna never mentioned "torture porn"

Anyway lets leave the debate until the OWC is over.

Quoted from Heretic The bolded text in my above comment is a link :)

Your link was to "Splatter Film" not "Torture Porn"

Quoted from AndyJ Your link was to "Splatter Film" not "Torture Porn"

You could always try reading it.

I thought this might help shed light on Khamanna's use of the term "pornographic." She's using it in a way that is fairly common.

Quoted from Heretic I thought this might help shed light on Khamanna's use of the term "pornographic." She's using it in a way that is fairly common.

I disagree with this comment.

The word "porn" refers to sex...sex for sex' sake, usually graphic.

Quoted from Dreamscale I disagree with this comment. The word "porn" refers to sex...sex for sex' sake, usually graphic.

Totally! And that sense of visceral stimulation *for its own sake* or *without broader purpose* is now used colloquially in a wide variety of instances:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Food_porn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pessimism_porn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poverty_porn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspiration_porn

Etc., etc.

Quoted from Heretic Totally! And that sense of visceral stimulation *for its own sake* or *without broader purpose* is now used colloquially in a wide variety of instances: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Food_porn https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pessimism_porn https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poverty_porn https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspiration_porn Etc., etc.

OK...I didn't know that.  Seems pretty crazy to me, but I'm an old fart now, so this is beyond my way of thinking.

Quoted from AndyJ Are we really getting to the stage where we can't write what we want for fear of offending someone?

You can write whatever you want, didn't say you couldn't, but a script like this is only going to appeal to a certain audience and will potentially offend others.

It doesn't offend me, I just personally think it's garbage. If you loved it, that's great.

I suggest taking this to a another thread if you want to further debate what writers should write, the definition of torture porn etc.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

This particular thread should concentrate on script reviews only.

Lol, Heretic got me right. It�s surely not a pornography. I didn�t think my comment would stir so much disturbance. It�s exactly what author wanted us to see. Yeah. Torture porn. Unless you people are against this term as well but that�s how I see it.

And I also put it in a movie category with examples of movies that are alike. Not something I�d want to watch but it caters to a certain niche. What I meant was I wouldn�t submit anything like that in a competition slash challenge, any competition cos I don�t think it would be received well. But it�s surely author�s call.

I�m not in this OWC btw so I won�t be voting.  Just saying...

This reads like A Serbian Film and I hated that movie because it had no point, it was shock for the sake of shock and I feel that this piece is floating in the same waters.

Terrible dialogue "Oh no, my dick".  I can't tell if this is supposed to be some dark twisted comedy or not, but I did not laugh.

You wanted to shock people maybe? Have a laugh at someone's expense? Who knows, you clearly have the 'hot' script as it has people talking and has 3 pages worth of comments.

Congrats on that.

Reality TV goes Snuff. I suppose in a ratings war this is what entertainment is heading towards.
I read this as a satire on the whole staged/sporadic form of television shows that plague our idiot boxes night in, night out.
Despite the gore and violence, I kinda enjoyed the read. Well done.

“Writer” should apply sledgehammer to computer.

Back to reviews: I hate to say it but it was reading fairly fluid until "...Oh no! My dick!" That totally derailed the tone and the rest of the read. I think I recognize the writers style but you never know.

Overall, not a good story (for me) and the dialogue was extremely weak. Character building was actually decent. Even the O.S. characters.

Bold and ballsy.

Quoted from Dreamscale Why have all the recent posts been deleted?  Seriously...why? This is weak.  Seriously, WEAK!!!

Dammit - at least wait until I've read the comments before deleting them lol

I've saved this until last because you already have a lot of comments - But finally I can join the party lol

Not sure why this has become so controversial, but hey ho.

Writing is decent, reading it was easy and visual - kept me engaged. The dialogue not so good, maybe you wanted it that way to play on the attempted comedy element, who knows.

I think the biggest mistake with this was trying to make it a comedy - I had a hard time (and an even harder time should I be watching) juggling the gore with the comedy - I doubt I would be able to laugh at anything having watched a woman get her head caved in with a sledgehammer. (that works better if the victim isn't so human and relateable - a lot of Zombie gore works well with comedy because we are detached from the subjects being mutilated)

Better to have just made this a splatter film (Torture porn), IMHO - like Hostel or Human Centipede - Feels like the comedy was used to try and hold this back slightly.
Maybe this is an attempt to be a "splatstick" film, might work for others, not for me.

Going full-on splatter would deffo have an audience for it.

Mayhem isn't interesting, the WOMAN behind the camera more so.

I struggle to see Amber lifting the sledgehammer up, and bringing it down with enough force to do the damage she did (with one hand and in agony from her shoulder)
I also struggle to beleive Mayhem just sat there and took it - yeah he had a syringe in the balls but would that leave him frozen on the floor? without getting up to fight back?

This would benefit with more story - you had the room page count wise.

Anyway, well done on entering

Oh, criteria, I'm not giving you a pass on that. simply standing on sand does not make it relevant (all you had to do was have Amber grab a handful, throw into Mayhems eyes - then it would be relevant) same with the song - others will let it slide, but I am rewarding those who have woven the criteria into their story/action/characters/plot

This is nicely written and easy to follow. Whoever wrote this knows what they are doing.  I’m not a fan of torture porn but I know there is a market for it. I’m not against ultra-violence. I love The Purge (both the movies and excellent TV show) for example, but the violence there isn’t purely for titillation or someone venting their hatred against women. It is a commentary on the corruption of western democracy and the dangers of white right-wing extremism. Plus, there’s great characters and drama, which helps!

I feel this script uses shock value to try and mask the fact that there’s not much story to it, nor does it have anything much to say. It is a simple torturer and revenge scene and I don’t believe the criteria of the OWC were satisfactorily met.

-Mark

Personally not a fan, that said the syringe is very unneeded in the script. It does absolutely nothing.
So yeah, criteria not met.
I mean, what was in the syringe that could knock out Mayhem after one stab (at this point probably empty), but it seemingly did nothing to Amber after getting injected.
It kind of reminds me of the acid cigarette at the end of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood.
I wish there was a bit more to the ending then just the necrophilia, but so be it.

Also, I think that on page 3 you wrote MAN where you meant MAYHEM.

“Ow, my dick.” WTF?

After reading the earlier comments, I was looking forward to this. It's not the gore that bothers me, it's the massacre of a narrative. This is just a bit stupid. I don't see anything creative here. There's no real story. There's no boundary-pushing whatsoever. Nothing even remotely shocking. The story logistics do not make sense.

If I was scoring, this is what I would give:

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  1.5
Characters (1-5) – 1.5
Dialogue (1-5) – 2
Writing (1-5) – 2.5
Overall (1-10) – 3.75

Hello,

A long beat – hurts any reading experience; just write what happens for a long beat long.

Okay. To me the only truly interesting thing was that the creepy director woman actually "thinks to have" (in character) some artistic integrity/working ethic within her soulless business, and also even improvised her "story" regarding the Mayhem situation.

It gives a creepy thought about the people who actually film such things. And while her style is "clearly overdrawn" you still brought that aspect of "who" to the table and gave her a face.

A risky take. The sledgehammer is quite a profane set-up - maybe it has to be – but there’s still that bitter taste that some people on earth are able to take part in such enterprises like snuff or producing other material of hardest imaginable abuse etc. and to me the story wasn’t strong enough to deal with that hard reality. But that’s probably also the point why I don’t feel comfortable with the genre in general.

;D ;D - Naughty boy! tut tut

Quoted from Matthew Taylor ;D ;D - Naughty boy! tut tut

;D;D;D

In all seriousness, though. I'm not ashamed of what I wrote, not one bit. I knew this would ruffle some feathers, but I was hoping people would be able to look past the graphic violence and appreciate this for what it is... A satire of the torture porn subgenre. Whether or not I was successful in that, is completely up to you. :)

To those who said the syringe served no purpose... It was meant to imply that the girls were drugged shortly before they started filming.

And to those of you who were offended... By what? The violence? The use of the word "Slut"?

Jeff, Faisal, and all the others who praised the script, thank you very much. Can't tell you how happy it makes me knowing that people out there appreciate and understand my work. ;D

Thanks to all who read through this. And another big thanks to Rene and Don. :)

Zack?  Wow...well done, Brother!  You fooled me for sure.

It was a very good entry and you should be proud.  Don't worry about the peeps who trashed it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Zack?  Wow...well done, Brother!  You fooled me for sure. It was a very good entry and you should be proud.  Don't worry about the peeps who trashed it.

Thanks, Dude. Your review honestly made me feel accomplished. :)

Thought for sure you'd know this one was mine. ;D

Quoted from Zack In all seriousness, though. I'm not ashamed of I wrote, not one bit.

You have no reason to be ashamed.

I'll admit, this wasn't for me. But, then, I'm a naive Kansas boy, happy to stay in my little bubble.

But, I want to say: of all the writer's on here... you know how to commit to something. And, that's a very good thing. It gives you a distinctive voice.

Ha! Called it.

Well, Zack you did better than I did - you wrote and submitted. I wrote and did not submit. So...
Maybe you decide to rewrite. For a satire the tone is not there I’d think but your call.

I did laugh at the fact that your script got a warning for "graphic depictions" and my script featured a child getting shot in the face but got no such warning lol

You be you, Zack. Write the stories you wanna tell

My script had a baby thrown against a tree. Just a simple drama.

Sorry, Zack, but for me, this was pretty light considering the promised content. I suppose that's what hype does sometimes. For me, it raises my expectations then, when they haven't been met, the story becomes loathed.

Mixing comedy didn't help, but neither did the hype full of fake promise. I think with a script like this, you need to go all-in... and avoid 'ow, my dick'.

Quoted from DustinBowcot My script had a baby thrown against a tree. Just a simple drama. Sorry, Zack, but for me, this was pretty light considering the promised content. I suppose that's what hype does sometimes. For me, it raises my expectations then, when they haven't been met, the story becomes loathed. Mixing comedy didn't help, but neither did the hype full of fake promise. I think with a script like this, you need to go all-in... and avoid 'ow, my dick'.

No need to apologise, Dude. Thanks for giving it a chance.

As for the particular line you're mentioning... I was going for a cheap laugh. ;D

Quoted from PKCardinal But, I want to say: of all the writer's on here... you know how to commit to something. And, that's a very good thing. It gives you a distinctive voice.

Thanks, Dude. Means a lot coming from you. :)