Mayhem's Best Snuff: Volume 6 by Drayton Sawyer - Short, Horror, Graphic, Black Comedy - The making of a snuff film goes horribly right. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Reader strongly cautioned for graphic depictions.

This is awful on so many levels. I feel like it's the writers own personal piece to get off to.

Why would anyone write something this distasteful.

I'm not sure whether to be appalled or to roll on the floor laughing. I have to ask: were you high when you wrote this? Wait. Don't answer that.

Hard to imagine anything being too offensive these days.  I know, I know.

To be honest,  I found it offensive, and didn't think it was funny, either.  If you're going for comedic effect, I think you need something a little more abrupt, grandiose and surprising rather than just going for offensive.  JMHO, your audience should be thinking, "Holy crap, where'd he come up with that?" rather than, "Wow, he decided to go there, huh?"  If that makes any sense...

Ugh, MY spidey senses tells me... I had better stop there... -A

I don't get the negative posts about this. We are all writers and should surely know that what we right doesn't define us. I got it, it reminded me of Hostel. Are we really getting to the stage where we can't write what we want for fear of offending someone?

Whoever wrote this, well done and don't be put off to write whatever you like. There are many bad things going on in the world, should we not write about them?

Just one thing:

"MAN
Tell our audience exactly what is"

My first read.

WOW!  Kind of shocked, to be honest, but I also have to say, this is very well written, very clean, almost mistake-free (Page 6 - "the Mayhem's corpse" - should just be "Mayhem's corpse"), and extremely powerful.

For me, it works on literally every single level imaginable, and that's saying alot.  Without the "twist" at the end, it wouldn't work, but because you included something we sure as shit didn't expect, you created an actual story, and I was happy as shit when Leah did her thang and then the big BossMan...uh...I mean big Bosswoman, leveled the paying field.

This is strong, this is ballsy, this is what pushes the envelope.  One of the very best shorts I've read in some time.

If the rest are anywhere near this quality, I'm sure glad I bowed out this OWC.

Excellent work, writer!  Be you and write what you feel.  Some may not appreciate this, but don't worry about that.

*****

Good writing. Bold writing.

Story didn't do it for me, though. But whoever wrote this has chops. Kudos for that.

First one out of the gate for me.

As someone who's written and watched all kinds of extremely violent and deviant stuff, I have to say that this one still misfired for me. I think when we write horror material where there often is very violent killings and such, there still needs to be a reason for it. You can have all kinds of short stories. Sometimes, if comedy, for example, you have a build-up to a punchline. In dramas, you usually try to have story and character. With horror, IMHO, you still need to have some suspense or horror or such feel to it. This one just seemed like a bunch of batshit crazy stuff happened, but I didn't care about any of the characters and because of that I didn't really care what happened to anyone.

In fairness though, I can see it being a scene in a longer horror piece, but as is, it does not work, IMO.

I liked it. Seems to have met the criteria - syringe, sickness (mental), sand. Had a beginning, middle, end. Didn’t meander and was entertaining. Not much more to ask for. Good job.

Steve

Well, the opening SUPER not needed. At least where it is.

Still debating in my mind if it met the criteria.

Writing is fine, but the script is not for me. Not at all  - here's the deal.

I'll be honest. Yes, I found it distasteful, extreme and gratuitous and will rate it lower than I otherwise would based on writing alone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Of course you should write what you want.  Just recognize that for a challenge like this one it's not strategic. It is too far on the edge that by it's very nature it is going to alienate some reviewers. By way of example, if we had an OWC that involved a baby and a pacifier and you decided to write a story about a baby being raped with a pacifier - it could be Tarantino level quality - but I'd be out.
Hope that make sense.

Bold choice—some might say niche…

Haven’t read the other comments but I’m guessing it’s a divided field.  Morbid curiosity got the better of me and I read till the end. It’s just too grim for my tastes—just not a fan of this kind of horror.  I’m not offended by it but taking a sledgehammer to helpless bikini-clad young women for fun will rarely gain you fans—but then you knew that when you wrote it.

Technically, it’s a good script, easy on the eye and flows well.  The last dialogue between Goon and Woman did something to inject a little (very) dark humour to offset the gratuitous violence.  Had you played this straight, I would have felt differently.

For some reason, I just keep thinking of actor Dean Winters in those Allstate ads.


Anyhow, I wasn't too keen on the camera angles, even though this appears to be some sort of snuff broadcast or found footage. I don't see the humor in the setup. I suppose maybe if the heads exploded like melons and chunks of pineapple and c antelope splattered out, maybe . Or some carnage is OS. I mean, there have been OWC entries in the past that have been gory or grim(or both) and this OWC seems to be no exception. I'm not opposed to coffin humor or zingers, but  even Rob Zombie doesn't always get away with sadism in his films.

The dialog is awful. I'm tempted to say this was written fast, maybe some peep was pissing in the wind. Someone here needs medication.

After reading this, maybe I should pop a few pills.
And down them with Scotch.

A Super on a snuff film? Sure, go for it.

A set for snuff film? Sure, you didn't add this bit to get sand in the script? I'll let you off this time.

A totally unnecessary syringe that has no explanation of what's in it or what it's for or who put it in Amber's arm? Fuck, no!

Feels like this is someone's great idea to go for an envelope-pushing gross-out, possibly not written for this OWC.

And of course finish with some corpse fucking, why not throw it all in there.

It's not a black comedy it's just tawdry.

Aww… what a heartwarming tale – xxoo

For some reason your character Mayhem reminded me of ‘The Juggernaut’ from ‘Thir13en Ghosts’, but that’s not right cause I think he just broke people in half and shit. But there was a ghost who was actually called ‘The Hammer’, and he actually DID have a sledgehammer surgically grafted to his arm. Cause, y’know… if someone’s gonna call the cops to report a domestic violence abuse, ya might as well make it count.

I always thought ‘snuff’ was when they raped – then murdered, and not the other way around, cause wouldn’t what you scripted here most likely appease an audience of necrophiliacs and not snuff addicts? Not that either is the lesser of the two.

Stay with me here while I shoot off on a tangent: some say Vampires do exist because they drink the blood of someone who was traumatized before death, not while alive. Hollywood seems to have gotten it wrong from the beginning. This has to do with the hypothesis of the Pineal Gland dumping a full load of DMT at the moment of death.

Quote: “Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) an intense naturally-occurring psychedelic that’s also found endogenously in the human body. It’s not as popular as LSD or psilocybin, though its use has grown over time. The most popular route of administration is inhalation, but it’s also frequently taken orally in ayahuasca-like preparations. It has at least been used for centuries.”

So, taken orally and in use for centuries means ancient or folk stories of Vampires running amok  stealing people (mainly children), traumatizing them, torturing them, murdering them, and then drinking their blood for that ultimate out-of-body Astral Flight produced via DMT… just might not be folklore at all. Considering LSD didn’t exist till the 21st century, and psilocybin (mushrooms) were not readily available to every inhabitant on earth back then, then it’s safe to say that DMT was most likely all the rage in and amongst the underground elite way back in the day.

Snuff may have been born out of this (Vampirism among the elite), but I’m not going to investigate any further. The off camera woman stating that she’s an ‘artist’ holds a perhaps bit of reason (albeit sick and twisted) for the senseless killings, but a mechanism to catch DMT soaked blood and worshiped as the ‘prize’ to be sold to the highest bidder through the underground porn industry… well, now were going deep into why shit like this happens in the matrix of debauchery. If it was toned down a notch, this could actually be scripted more towards something like ‘8MM’ with Nicolas Cage, but with the DMT laden blood angle. Just an afterthought.

Anyway, not really my bag, but nothing really is nowadays anyway, so… what do I know. Graphic, but I assume that’s what you were going for - puke-a-roni-and-cheese. I’ll score you well because this would be great wedged somewhere between the first and second commercial run during ‘The Hilarious House of Frankenstein’, and it’s sugary sweet, and so is Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry cereal. Coincidence…? I think not.

I think this accomplishes just what it sets out to do. If it weren't for the twist and the end dialogue, this would just be a gruesome sequence and not at all my bag, but the way you went about it, it worked for me, overall. I'm not a fan of the dialogue, but I'm sure it's a deliberate choice. The writing is good, the action is clear - no complaints there

I saw the comments building on this one, decided to check it out.

I can enjoy the torture genre provided there is something fresh in the script to justify the mayhem.  Not sure this one has it, but at the same time, it does not read to me like the script was knocked off quickly.  The writing is solid enough.

In terms of feedback, I like the Temptations music pick that almost feels like a nod to Tarantino.  But two songs is overkill.

Not sure a syringe to the nuts would be so thoroughly debilitating as described here, maybe use one of those huge syringes like for cows or something.  In any event, you should consider changing up, "Oh no!  My dick!" which is unintentionally(?) hilarious dialogue.

Nothing for this author to be ashamed of, though.  A good enough script for its intended audience, which admittedly isn't everyone.