Knight by Jose Rivadulla-Rey - Action - Captured into slavery and exposed to the cruel world A man constantly fights to return back to his homeland. 85 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Jose.

I'll give your script a full read soon.

For now, just off the top-

QUOTE:

THE SAND

Ext/Day/The Sand

Tanzania, Arabic Ships are off the coast, a large tribe of Black men, women and children are in chains being led to small boats to be taken to the larger ship, two of the men are chained together, the two men are brothers ABASI and AADI (Both in their mid 20s tall and muscular) The two brothers are hunters who are tracking an animal come to the coast and see people being lead away into boats, suddenly someone has come from behind and knocked them out.                          
                                    ABASI
         Have you ever seen a boat like that

                                    AADI
         What happened to all these people


- THE SAND ?? Tells me nothing. Then its written again in Ext/Day/The Sand

- Ext/Day/The Sand  Must read as EXT. SAND - DAY  (you meant BEACH)
  ... Its the one and only SCENE (Slug) in your entire script!

- The two brothers are knocked out! Then they at once TALKING.

- ...are tracking an animal come (CAME) to the coast and see people being lead (LED) away into boats.
   I'm reading; ANIMAL came to SEE people led into boats.  

Ahoy Jose,

I know that the point of writing is to finish and get it sold. For some, and others’ it’s just for fun. But imagine driving in an F1 race. Everybody has a fined tuned machine. You're stuck with a 2009 Odyssey  You'll finish but would you want to?  You'd try to go around corners with your foot on the gas and swerve all over the place.  Maybe even tip over. Yet if you slowed down, learn when to turn, when to press the gas to maximize the road, how the car reacts when you come in at a certain angle, you will improve your time and make an impression that you are a professional driver, regardless if you're driving a van.  If someone sees that you can drive, they might sponsor you and give you a McLaren to use to win the races.  Wouldn't that be peachy? I love cars. Odyssey looks good if you lower it and add some rims. Pimp that ride! Or you can take some time to analyze scripts.

'Cuz...you need a firmer grasp of the basics. There's a story you want to tell but you need to do some groundwork. Immerse yourself in good screenplays. You've got something but you need to have a better idea of just what exactly you are getting into here.  As a start read Lew Hunter Screenwriting 101. I'm not being flippant. It will help you. Best of Irish luck. :)-A