Criminal with a Conscious by Ian Weiss - Short, Action - Two criminals. They vary drastically. An LA riddles with organized crime, run at the top by the Italian families who delegate to lower level American bookies and loansharks. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Ian.

Trust you'll take all I'm saying here as a learning curb.  

No real story here... that we haven't seen many a time. Your Log line says it all.

You must introduce your characters to us - even if its just brief. (TOMMY, 60's, grey, tall,) Here you had 11 characters, and you only introduced 2.  

Your format and grammar needs a lot of work. The writing is uncomprehensive. These are all things that can be fixed. Hereto, and in your future scripts... Sometimes we write in a hurry and overlook simple grammar mistakes. Read your script out aloud to yourself... then ask yourself - does it sound right? Do we speak like that? Also, get your friends and family to give it a read-over with comment.

Some nit picking on your script:
      
     TONY
How do we do to get him to talk?
   How do we get him to talk?

     BILLY and OWEN
get out of a nice car.
   Gets out of a BMW 8-series. or PORSCHE

     OWEN
Fifty percent of these jobs ends with a bullet hole going through flesh and clothing.
    Fifty percent of these jobs end with a bullet wound.  
   (Bullets make holes and go through clothing before flesh)      
    
    OWEN
Then why do you got a gun.
    Then why do you have a gun?

     ROCKY
Welcome. I can't say we've been waiting long, but it's been, not short.
   Welcome. We been waiting awhile.
    
   FRANK
park a regular looking car and gets out.
    Parks the car and gets out.

He exhales out of his mouth.
    He exhales.

Willy eats his sandwich and chews in his mouth,
    Willy eats his sandwich.

FORMAT

FADE OUT:
FADE IN:

EXT. CONDO PARKING LOT

You can't have them after each other. They're  a TRANSITION into or out of a scene (slug)  And FADE OUT will always be the right of the page, as you are fading OUT. And FADE IN to the left of the page, as you fading IN.

INT. NICE HOTEL ROOM
The floor is covered with a white fur carpet.
  
    INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
    No need for NICE. You told us in.... The floor is covered with a white fur carpet.

EXT. PARKING LOT SUNNY DAY

    EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
    No need for SUNNY... It has no reference to your story even it was COLD.

    Keep slugs to the point! Example below.
    EXT. BEACH - DAY
    On a clear sky sunny day blaa... blaa...

PS; Check out: www.screencraft. -- here you'll learn a lot!

Hope this helped, and good luck.  

The main thing I would advise Ian at this point is:
Write a title on you title page, and your name and contact email if someone wants to contact you.
It's a trial version of software, but it enables you to do that, I'm sure.

And, I have a feeling the title should be: 'Criminal with a Conscience'?
Let me know if that's correct and if you'd like the title corrected. ?

Oh, and here's a great link right here on SS:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

And here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

If you'd like to join the discussion for lively discourse on SS.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/
Tell us a bit about yourself here, if you wish.

Hi Ian,

The story is nice, but I'm afraid to say it is a bit redundant in itself.

Go with what Barry says. Lots of work to be done on the writing and formatting.

But don't worry, learning is what everyone has to do to be better.

Espérons voir plus de scripts de votre part. Meaning: hope to see more scripts from you. :)

Bonne chance!