All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Criminal with a Conscious by Ian Weiss - Short, Action - Two criminals. They vary drastically. An LA riddles with organized crime, run at the top by the Italian families who delegate to lower level American bookies and loansharks. 15 pages - pdf format
Trust you'll take all I'm saying here as a learning curb.
No real story here... that we haven't seen many a time. Your Log line says it all.
You must introduce your characters to us - even if its just brief. (TOMMY, 60's, grey, tall,) Here you had 11 characters, and you only introduced 2.
Your format and grammar needs a lot of work. The writing is uncomprehensive. These are all things that can be fixed. Hereto, and in your future scripts... Sometimes we write in a hurry and overlook simple grammar mistakes. Read your script out aloud to yourself... then ask yourself - does it sound right? Do we speak like that? Also, get your friends and family to give it a read-over with comment.
Some nit picking on your script:
TONY How do we do to get him to talk? How do we get him to talk?
BILLY and OWEN get out of a nice car. Gets out of a BMW 8-series. or PORSCHE
OWEN Fifty percent of these jobs ends with a bullet hole going through flesh and clothing. Fifty percent of these jobs end with a bullet wound. (Bullets make holes and go through clothing before flesh)
OWEN Then why do you got a gun. Then why do you have a gun?
ROCKY Welcome. I can't say we've been waiting long, but it's been, not short. Welcome. We been waiting awhile.
FRANK park a regular looking car and gets out. Parks the car and gets out.
He exhales out of his mouth. He exhales.
Willy eats his sandwich and chews in his mouth, Willy eats his sandwich.
FORMAT
FADE OUT: FADE IN:
EXT. CONDO PARKING LOT
You can't have them after each other. They're a TRANSITION into or out of a scene (slug) And FADE OUT will always be the right of the page, as you are fading OUT. And FADE IN to the left of the page, as you fading IN.
INT. NICE HOTEL ROOM The floor is covered with a white fur carpet.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT No need for NICE. You told us in.... The floor is covered with a white fur carpet.
EXT. PARKING LOT SUNNY DAY
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY No need for SUNNY... It has no reference to your story even it was COLD.
Keep slugs to the point! Example below. EXT. BEACH - DAY On a clear sky sunny day blaa... blaa...
PS; Check out: www.screencraft. -- here you'll learn a lot!
Hope this helped, and good luck.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
The main thing I would advise Ian at this point is: Write a title on you title page, and your name and contact email if someone wants to contact you. It's a trial version of software, but it enables you to do that, I'm sure.
And, I have a feeling the title should be: 'Criminal with a Conscience'? Let me know if that's correct and if you'd like the title corrected. ?