Safety by Mr. Bond - Short, Sci Fi - When a strange package appears at the door, a couple are at odds about what to do with it.

Prompt: A mysterious parcel is delivered to your house. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Meets the parameters, just the ending comes out of left-field too much for me. I also don't' know why Keith was spared, it mentioned he's subservient but I don't get how the sphere came to that conclusion.

As Mark already mentioned, how does the sphere know that Keith is subservient?

It would have been cool if the sphere was revealed a little earlier and then it was continuously testing both of them with different methods.

I guess if aliens invade earth and only leave behind the husbands who do everything their wife tells them to, I'll be safe.

This was written well enough. I think it stalls a bit when they're reminiscing about their past, Vegas and her 20th. Other than that it's a decent entry that seems to follow the parameters. I just think if you kept the conversation to an argument of whether or not to open this box it would've made it better.

James

The story was good but didn't get the ending.  

Quoted Text KEITH (20s), button down short sleeve shirt, beige slacks, brown belt, type furiously on his laptop at the dining table.

Types – not type

KEITH is really over the top paranoid about this box (e.g., wanting to call the police, etc). Will wait to see if it is warranted. …okay, read on – dude is naturally paranoid.

Quoted Text STACY That’s weirdly specific.

Loved that line
Parameters clearly met – congrats.

The story doesn’t do it for me – it just kind of ends and it is not the type of story that lends to clever dialogue in the first place – you set yourself up a difficult task.  

Congrats on entering – I think there is something there – it just strikes me that – so far, it’s incomplete. Hoe that makes sense.    

This reminded me of a Dr Who episode, I love Dr Who so that's not a bad thing.

But, the logic of it eluded me... alien sphere's package themselves up and leave themselves on doorsteps? Oddest invasion ever.

As noted, some of the dialogue felt a little stilted, but in general it was decent.

met the criteria too.

So I liked the concept of the mystery sphere. I can't say I liked either of the characters though. And I thought the comparison of his reaction to the package to Vegas was really off. I'd save that Vegas thing though cus that's a pretty funny thought. Wanting to see the shows in Vegas instead of Broadway. That's a keeper. But it just didn't fit where you put it.

It just didn't flow well for me and the end was just a big reveal of what? It needed more, IMO.

"She brings in a square black cardboard box, about the size of a head."

Okay, I have to know: of all the things to compare the box to, why a head? I got a chuckle out of that.

There's some interesting points going on throughout the story but I didn't feel they really connected. Lots and lots of questions that simply couldn't be answered in such a short amount of time. It's hard to fit an alien invasion into ten pages.  

I like the concept; I think it's interesting to explore a potential invasion where the aliens are essentially brought into everyone's home under free will. You definitely got something there. It just needs more than an OWC to fully tell the tale.

Nice job on entering.

Greg

The conversation starts out light-hearted, and once the package is delivered it turns a little more serious. But only a little. That’s why I felt very little rising tension as the time came to open the box. And then the box opening came as a complete surprise, instantly bleeding off what little tension there was. That the contents of the box turns out to be a bad thing is pretty much a given, so no surprise there, either.

The line I like best comes at the beginning: "Black bears aren't really bears." Funny. The stuff about going to Vegas and not seeing shows worked reasonably well, too.

I think I like this more for the concept than the dialogue. A mysterious metal sphere in the mail is interesting.

The couple's suspicion of the was a little too much. We get stuff in the mail all the time that we rip open without worry. In this case, a little concern would go a long way. You could probably cut out half of the angst and still get the point across.

The basic idea of the killer metal sphere in the package is worthy of further exploration. Really like that part.  

I wish I kept track of shit that doesn't anything at all, like how many scripts I've read in the last year that opened with "SUBURBAN HOUSE".

Ah...the old "20's" describing the characters.  Man, oh man, I can't even tell you how much this kind of shit irks me.  Think about it...seriously, think about it.  Someone who is 20 years old and someone who is 29 years old...2 completely different  life experiences and even life style.  Many "kids" in their early 20's are still in college...maybe living with their parents while going to college.  Mid 20's, 1st real job, maybe even 1st real job in their chosen career.  Maybe it's different now, somehow, but when I bought my first house, I was in my later 20's, and I was 1 of the 1st in my group of friends to be able to do that.

Bottom line, just set ages for your characters and make sure those ages make sense as to where and how they're living.

OK, wait...so the front door is in the living room?  Where they're both hanging out?

"...about the size of a head." - Wow, never heard that comparison before.

The dialogue is just all over the map...like the map of the USA!  WTF?  Talk about weird, random banter that goes nowhere and means nothing.

Up to Page 5, and I have an odd look on my face, as I just don't know WTF I'm reading...or why you wrote it this way.  It's just strange in a not good way, and the dialogue is way off in many places.  As I've said several times on other threads, this just isn't remotely realistic.

Wow, again, WTF did I just read?  Absolutely batshit crazy and strange, and sadly, not at all for me.

That was odd. The dialogue was quite unnatural and I think Stacy would've dumped his ass with his history of paranoid thoughts and delusions. But, hey, he was bound to be right some day, eh? I'll give you credit for the twist, regardless of how twisted it was. Good job there.

I liked Stacy and her banter/wit, but the rest I can do without.

The dialogue worked for me, felt realistic.

The ending was really random. I thought that the descriptors throughout were leading us down a different path.
The box as big as a head, the Vegas story, bears etc. It felt like there was a kidney in that box or some kind of elaborate blackmail.

Anthony mentioned Dr. Who, it made me think that this could work as the cold open for an episode in the same vein.

I did have a chuckle at the Mr Bond line.

Some OTN dialogue here and there.

I think I get it :/

Feels like an idea that could use some expanding.

Good job getting an entry in.

Is there a reason for the specific wardobe list in description, or is just to describe him as beige and brown and uptight?

About the size of a head...
Surely this has to be a nod to Seven?

Maybe a contraction here:
Wow, it is light.

I liked the Bond line, and this one:
That’s weirdly specific.

So, the subservient will survive. Ha! Obedience will be rewarded.
Reads a bit like a rush job, especially with the white space, p.6. Perhaps there's more to the story?
Dialogue was pretty easy on the ear, couple of tweaks maybe:

But it could have been dangerous.
Don't think you need the 'but'.

Maybe a bit more description/ conversation re the box at the top between the two? No post marks, distinguishing marks etc.?

I like the finish with the screams outside. He wasn't the only recipient of a box.

I don't know, this is so screwball it kinda' works. Bit more work on this one you might have a goody.

Hi,

This was a strange one for me, didn't wholly get the story but maybe I was just missing the point. Generic characters but some decent dialogue but nothing that would make me think that it was outstanding.

Use the other four pages to expand on things, it means you're not taking shortcuts trying to cram your story into just six pages.

Well done.

Sorry writer  I missed this one.  

A couple have an argument about whether to open a box or not... and voila it's a sphere and for some reason the wife is dead and the husband is saved???
Which is why men are always right ;D

The dialogue wasn't bad, just didn't really come off as natural between a married couple. Overall an interesting premise and the writing was good.

Good job on entering

Can't argue with any of what's been said above, though I thought it was an okay read, I got through it in no time at all without tripping too much. I just think a bit more clarity is needed. And tweak the dialogue. All of this is just a way of saying it needs to be fleshed out a bit more. IMO. Best of Irish luck.-A