Always Faithful by Lonnie - Short, Drama - A young man struggles to fulfill his dream of joining the United States Marine Corps. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lacking a FADE IN, I'm not sure if this is the compete short (making it a very short short) or if this is a mere excerpt.

Overall impression was Fair with a slightly above average Hook. That "hook" to me is the main story character.

The concept was fine. Lonnie's voice came through well. Characters a bit out-of-the-box, which could be fixed by providing more surprising characteristics and deeper descriptions.

I did like the bang-bang dialogue writing. Mostly, single sentences or short passages!

Though not personified, the primary character in this tale is the scarlet-colored case and its contents. That thing is the star of the show hands down. And, it did not make an appearance until late on Page 6 of a 13 page script.

Also, saw zero reason to have two young men sitting on a couch. Or, too, the syrupy ending (Could of had a non-tearful Callahan just say to a non-tearful Doug... "Your dad would be proud. You did good Marine."... and that's all.

Author may want to consider a sequence such as this:

Father dying and gives scarlet box to son, who opens it. The son sees the contents, but not the movie-goer. Dad says to give it to a Marine. (This puts the "big reveal" right at the start and a reader or viewer knows what the story is about). ===>

Recruiter Office ===>

Weight Chart routine ===>

Weight Loss failure ===>

Box and contents shown to Sergeant ===>

Doug walks away in depression and failure ===>

Callahan appears at door ===>

Series of training shots ===>

Parris Island graduation ===>

Alice and Callahan ===>

Tight shot of ring on finger.

I would like to see the rewrite, if undertaken.

Best wishes,

S.J. Glenn

S.J.,

Thank you for the feedback!

Hi Lonnie,

I did like to read your script.
And also I did like both Doug's and the Sergeant's characters.
Keep writing!

Thank you Miranda, I will!