Fur and No Whiskers by Alexander Luis Rodriguez - Comedy, Animation - Frederick Fuzz is a rabbit made for more than just being pulled from a top hat. He leaves his master of illusion and hits the road. 53 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Hey, Alexander -  over morning coffee looked at the opening page.

Title - I like it.

The spacing and margins are off.  For example - you have an extra blank line between each of your headers and the action block that follows and your margins are too wide,Your dialogue is not in the correct format and you have extra blank lines in the dialogue blocks. You need to either learn these (looks like you're using WORD) or get yourself some screenwriting software that does this automatically.  No one is going to read beyond page one if the script is not in the basic screenwriting format - sorry - but that's just how it is.

This:

Quoted Text EXT. AMERICAN HIGHWAY. MORNING.

As well as all your headings are in the wrong format. It should be:

EXT. AMERICAN HIGHWAY - MORNING

Google - how to write scene headings and you'll find a ton of free examples not the correct format.

Best of luck. Welcome to the site. It is a good one

Really appreciate that you had a look so thank you for that. Yeah wasn't 100% with the format, so instead of;

                                  FREDERICK FUZZ
        
         There's gotta be
         food around here
         somewhere?

should it read;

                                  FREDERICK FUZZ
                                  
                                  There's gotta be
                                  food around here
                                  somewhere?          

Could you recommend some screenwriting software? I'm not all that technical mind you, but I'm learning slowly.   I'm going to take your advice and upload it again with the necessary changes - i'm assuming you can reupload? Anyway, yeah, appreciate it.

Alexander try -

https://www.trelby.org/
That's free software.

And see this recent link:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1613628698/s-9/highlight-/#num9

Newbs guide to SS:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

Screenwriting Class:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Introduce yourself:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/


P.S. Submit the new draft to Don/Admin via the same submission link you originally used but be sure to say it's an updated draft of the same script. Perhaps get the software downloaded and rewrite first.

Software makes your job a lot easier as it formats everything automatically.

Try the below link

http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scripts/screenplay.pdf

It’s old but a good starting point for film script format basics.

To go more in-depth I would recommend the Screenwriters Bible by David Trottier

Quoted from AlexanderLR Really appreciate that you had a look so thank you for that. Yeah wasn't 100% with the format, so instead of;                                   FREDERICK FUZZ                   There's gotta be          food around here          somewhere? should it read;                                   FREDERICK FUZZ                                                                      There's gotta be                                   food around here                                   somewhere?           Could you recommend some screenwriting software? I'm not all that technical mind you, but I'm learning slowly.   I'm going to take your advice and upload it again with the necessary changes - i'm assuming you can reupload? Anyway, yeah, appreciate it.

The second one - but no blank space between the character name and the dialogue.

I use Final Draft - you can go to their site and try a trial version for free for 30 days

Great thanks for the help

Quoted from AlexanderLR Great thanks for the help

No prob - good luck

I wrote an article that covers many of the relevant screenwriting software choices...

https://anthonycawood.wordpress.com/2016/09/30/screenwriting-software/

As the other have said, use one of these and the formatting is all taken care of for you.

Best

Alexander, I gave this a read as I noticed you were requesting feedback.

A few format/techie things to begin with:

You've obviously downloaded software cause the dialogue is now in the right place.

Frederick Fuzz is now sat besides Marv the Marvelous.
This is typical Brit usage, and mixing tenses. In dialogue it's fine cause characters often don't use grammatically correct sentences, however in description it should be worded:

Frederick Fuzz sits beside Marv the Marvelous.

Here in dialogue it's fine:

This huge bowl of trifle, sat
there, callin my name

Your comma usage is a bit all over the place, mainly with omitting them :

Examples:

MARV THE MARVELOUS
Absolutely not remember who’s
leading this act, your forte?
That sentence reads a bit iffy.

FREDERICK FUZZ
Ah c’mon it’s my forte.
Ah c'mon, it's my forte.

MARV THE MARVELOUS (CONT'D)
I don’t want your nuts rabbit.
I don't want your nuts, Rabbit

FREDERICK FUZZ
Ah c’mon knock yaself out.
Ah c'mon, knock yaself out.

Hey I got another one for ya.
Hey, I got another one for ya.

All need commas inserted.

https://www.livewritethrive.com/2015/01/16/lets-not-eat-grandma/

http://guidetogrammar.org/grammar/commas_big.htm

MARV THE MARVELOUS (CONT'D)
For a cleaner read, take out your CONT'Ds in software settings.

Also, delete pages 56, 57 & 58. They're blank.
You might think I'm being a bit pedantic but it looks sloppy.

Your writing for the most part is very good. You use great verb choices, especially in action and are nicely avoiding generic words like 'looks', 'sees', 'walks' etc., So your action flies off the pages nicely.

Your descriptions are lively and colourful too:

Marv the Marvelous is in his mid-40’s, immaculately dressed,
wearing pearl white gloves. His charcoal black jacket is
decorated with white-stitched question marks. His wavy black
hair topped with a single purple strand travelling down a
puffy face. Piercing blue eyes surrounded in murky shadow
suggest frightful despair.

Try to keep within four lines for Spec writing with your descriptions.

MARV THE MARVELOUS, mid 40s, immaculately dressed, black jacket stiched with question marks, white gloves.
Do you need charcoal, or pearl white?

Avoid Orphans:

Emerging, bruised and caked in dust, is the man-sized rabbit.
Gangly, mouldy green fur, uneven ears, whiskerless, bulging
yellow eyes, the only thing he carries in his unibrow are
fleas.

See that word (fleas) out on its own taking up that entire sentence?

A man sized rabbit would do it.
Bruised, caked in dust, a man-sized rabbit emerges.

Also here:
His leg is missing a large portion of skin and the bone is
exposed.

You have lots of Orphaned sentences throughout.
Here's another example:

The scent of sugar and syrup carries him forward despite the
agony.

Not a big deal but you could do with editing.

You don't need all the CUT TOs.

Ha!
Jean-Michel Jarre’s Oxygene, pt. 4 drowns out the muttering
and scribbling.
Does this fit the established mood? Might cost a bit too. As would Sinatra.

As for story, bear in mind this is not my favourite type of character-based anti-hero genre .The problem I had is neither character is particularly likeable or sympathetic - it's a bit too absurdist for my taste I think.That said, obnoxious unlikeable characters can be popular. I just think you need to nail big laughs for it to be effective and to sustain that length of on-going banter.

I think what I'd do is cut quite a bit of the extraneous narrative and get to the pivotal bits of the story faster. I can see you enjoyed writing this whacky tale and it's colourful, but honestly it went on just a bit too long for me. Perhaps edit and up the suspense with Hal in hot pursuit along the way? That storyline kinda faded out. And Marv's main mission and purpose in life is to get Cindy back, right?

a magician never
reveals his secrets.
- This should be on a separate line and I'd put it in Italics.

Remember, mine is just one person's opinion. Comedy is highly subjective.
You can definitely write, so keep at it.

Appreciate the feedback. Yeah I do tend to get bogged down in the details, especially with the character descriptions. I'll tend to forget I'm writing a screenplay not a novel. But yeah less is more right? and you do get a better picture of the character e.g, mouldy fur, uneven ears, whiskerless man-sized rabbit. So which parts do you think should be cut? How could I make Frederick Fuzz likeable? How could the chase scene be improved? Do you think throwing the cotton bud out was a little lazy? Yeah Marv's mission is to regain control basically.
I should point out by the way I don't have aspirations to become a writer, this is a hobby. My dream is to be in the cartoon industry. Maybe in the future I'll turn this story into an animation...

Alexander, there's nothing wrong with detail - you gave me a very clear picture of these two characters instantly. The trick is in giving your audiences embellishments in an economical way. You don't need to cut much with your descriptions. Cut too much and we don't get the flavour. Like I said, examine the paragraph of description and work out where you can still evoke the image you want without the extraneous stuff.

The whole time I was reading this I was picturing cartoon and animation, so your aspirations and vision shine through.

And I think the way you've written this Frederick Fuzz is not meant to be likeable. He's a bit of an ogre. He's the character you want to get rid of, but as much as you try, you can't. That's the set-up for your comedic moments.

More giggle moments are needed imho.

After a revamp by way of trying to inject a few more sight-gags and jokes,  I'd also suggest you post this as Animation/Cartoon in the Comedy section - not dramedy.

And remember, you need more than just my opinion to gauge the general consensus.
Get feedback from others. My preferred comedy is just not along the lines of bodily fluids etc. I'm probably one of the few not enamoured with films like Bridesmaids, for example.

It's a little quiet around here at the moment so maybe post a script review exchange here:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

And maybe even post something shorter/cartoon/skit-like too, (say, ten pages or less) to exercise your chops in a shorter format?

Thanks again mate, really helped me.

Ooh, Alexander, I forgot to mention - bottom of the last page ( 55)... Typo.
I think you mean 'fetal' position. :)

Oh christ yeah! How did I miss that?! I'm laughing now, cheers for letting me know.

Quoted from AlexanderLR Really appreciate that you had a look so thank you for that. Yeah wasn't 100% with the format, so instead of;                                   FREDERICK FUZZ                   There's gotta be          food around here          somewhere? should it read;                                   FREDERICK FUZZ                                                                      There's gotta be                                   food around here                                   somewhere?           Could you recommend some screenwriting software? I'm not all that technical mind you, but I'm learning slowly.   I'm going to take your advice and upload it again with the necessary changes - i'm assuming you can reupload? Anyway, yeah, appreciate it.

YouMeScript.com allows to you use your google drive to write scripts. Accepts donations, but free otherwise. ArcStudioPro.com is where I landed. Then there's also WriterDuet.com which is good but a little slow for me.

I tend to look for more cloud-based apps as I use a Chromebook a lot. But also it helps keeping your scripts synced, without multiple versions all over the place.

As far as installing software, I loathe Final Draft - think it's the most overrated and antiquated thing I've ever seen outside of our President.

I like your descriptions. Very vivid and paint a picture. Feels more like a book than a film, which is where screenwriting gets quirky. Keep working at the screen format, something I get lazy with. 🙃

Outline the script if you're struggling with story. Brainstorm over it. How to make him likeable? Maybe tries to make a kid laugh, even though he's hungry and in pain? Or does something for someone. Make him sympathetic. Preferably, every scene drives the story forward with laughs along the way. In some stories I do better with getting the story figured our first then injecting the humor.

Thanks for the advice. I know I'm a bit late with the reply sorry about that!