SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 31st, 2021, 10:25am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The July OWC Who Wrote What is live.


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Fur and No Whiskers Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Fur and No Whiskers  (currently 1227 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2021, 10:28am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14838
Posts Per Day
1.98
Fur and No Whiskers by Alexander Luis Rodriguez - Comedy, Animation - Frederick Fuzz is a rabbit made for more than just being pulled from a top hat. He leaves his master of illusion and hits the road. 49 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 7th, 2021, 5:43pm
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: February 21st, 2021, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6825
Posts Per Day
2.67
Hey, Alexander -  over morning coffee looked at the opening page.

Title - I like it.

The spacing and margins are off.  For example - you have an extra blank line between each of your headers and the action block that follows and your margins are too wide,Your dialogue is not in the correct format and you have extra blank lines in the dialogue blocks. You need to either learn these (looks like you're using WORD) or get yourself some screenwriting software that does this automatically.  No one is going to read beyond page one if the script is not in the basic screenwriting format - sorry - but that's just how it is.

This:


Quoted Text
EXT. AMERICAN HIGHWAY. MORNING.


As well as all your headings are in the wrong format. It should be:

EXT. AMERICAN HIGHWAY - MORNING

Google - how to write scene headings and you'll find a ton of free examples not the correct format.

Best of luck. Welcome to the site. It is a good one


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
AlexanderLR
Posted: February 21st, 2021, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
44
Posts Per Day
0.26
Really appreciate that you had a look so thank you for that. Yeah wasn't 100% with the format, so instead of;

                                  FREDERICK FUZZ
        
         There's gotta be
         food around here
         somewhere?

should it read;

                                  FREDERICK FUZZ
                                  
                                  There's gotta be
                                  food around here
                                  somewhere?          

Could you recommend some screenwriting software? I'm not all that technical mind you, but I'm learning slowly.   I'm going to take your advice and upload it again with the necessary changes - i'm assuming you can reupload? Anyway, yeah, appreciate it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
LC
Posted: February 21st, 2021, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
5951
Posts Per Day
1.27
Alexander try -

https://www.trelby.org/
That's free software.

And see this recent link:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1613628698/s-9/highlight-/#num9

Newbs guide to SS:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

Screenwriting Class:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Introduce yourself:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/


P.S. Submit the new draft to Don/Admin via the same submission link you originally used but be sure to say it's an updated draft of the same script. Perhaps get the software downloaded and rewrite first.

Software makes your job a lot easier as it formats everything automatically.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 21st, 2021, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1451
Posts Per Day
1.42
Try the below link

http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scripts/screenplay.pdf

Itís old but a good starting point for film script format basics.

To go more in-depth I would recommend the Screenwriters Bible by David Trottier


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
eldave1
Posted: February 21st, 2021, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6825
Posts Per Day
2.67

Quoted from AlexanderLR
Really appreciate that you had a look so thank you for that. Yeah wasn't 100% with the format, so instead of;

                                  FREDERICK FUZZ
        
         There's gotta be
         food around here
         somewhere?

should it read;

                                  FREDERICK FUZZ
                                  
                                  There's gotta be
                                  food around here
                                  somewhere?          

Could you recommend some screenwriting software? I'm not all that technical mind you, but I'm learning slowly.   I'm going to take your advice and upload it again with the necessary changes - i'm assuming you can reupload? Anyway, yeah, appreciate it.


The second one - but no blank space between the character name and the dialogue.

I use Final Draft - you can go to their site and try a trial version for free for 30 days


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
AlexanderLR
Posted: February 22nd, 2021, 7:26am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
44
Posts Per Day
0.26
Great thanks for the help
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
eldave1
Posted: February 22nd, 2021, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6825
Posts Per Day
2.67

Quoted from AlexanderLR
Great thanks for the help


No prob - good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 22nd, 2021, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3779
Posts Per Day
1.34
I wrote an article that covers many of the relevant screenwriting software choices...

https://anthonycawood.wordpress.com/2016/09/30/screenwriting-software/

As the other have said, use one of these and the formatting is all taken care of for you.

Best


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
LC
Posted: March 15th, 2021, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
5951
Posts Per Day
1.27
Alexander, I gave this a read as I noticed you were requesting feedback.

A few format/techie things to begin with:

You've obviously downloaded software cause the dialogue is now in the right place.

Frederick Fuzz is now sat besides Marv the Marvelous.
This is typical Brit usage, and mixing tenses. In dialogue it's fine cause characters often don't use grammatically correct sentences, however in description it should be worded:

Frederick Fuzz sits beside Marv the Marvelous.

Here in dialogue it's fine:

This huge bowl of trifle, sat
there, callin my name


Your comma usage is a bit all over the place, mainly with omitting them :

Examples:

MARV THE MARVELOUS
Absolutely not remember whoís
leading this act, your forte?

That sentence reads a bit iffy.

FREDERICK FUZZ
Ah címon itís my forte.
Ah c'mon, it's my forte.

MARV THE MARVELOUS (CONT'D)
I donít want your nuts rabbit.
I don't want your nuts, Rabbit

FREDERICK FUZZ
Ah címon knock yaself out.
Ah c'mon, knock yaself out.

Hey I got another one for ya.
Hey, I got another one for ya.

All need commas inserted.

https://www.livewritethrive.com/2015/01/16/lets-not-eat-grandma/

http://guidetogrammar.org/grammar/commas_big.htm

MARV THE MARVELOUS (CONT'D)
For a cleaner read, take out your CONT'Ds in software settings.

Also, delete pages 56, 57 & 58. They're blank.
You might think I'm being a bit pedantic but it looks sloppy.

Your writing for the most part is very good. You use great verb choices, especially in action and are nicely avoiding generic words like 'looks', 'sees', 'walks' etc., So your action flies off the pages nicely.

Your descriptions are lively and colourful too:

Marv the Marvelous is in his mid-40ís, immaculately dressed,
wearing pearl white gloves. His charcoal black jacket is
decorated with white-stitched question marks. His wavy black
hair topped with a single purple strand travelling down a
puffy face. Piercing blue eyes surrounded in murky shadow
suggest frightful despair.


Try to keep within four lines for Spec writing with your descriptions.

MARV THE MARVELOUS, mid 40s, immaculately dressed, black jacket stiched with question marks, white gloves.
Do you need charcoal, or pearl white?

Avoid Orphans:

Emerging, bruised and caked in dust, is the man-sized rabbit.
Gangly, mouldy green fur, uneven ears, whiskerless, bulging
yellow eyes, the only thing he carries in his unibrow are
fleas.


See that word (fleas) out on its own taking up that entire sentence?

A man sized rabbit would do it.
Bruised, caked in dust, a man-sized rabbit emerges.

Also here:
His leg is missing a large portion of skin and the bone is
exposed.


You have lots of Orphaned sentences throughout.
Here's another example:

The scent of sugar and syrup carries him forward despite the
agony.


Not a big deal but you could do with editing.

You don't need all the CUT TOs.

Ha!
Jean-Michel Jarreís Oxygene, pt. 4 drowns out the muttering
and scribbling.

Does this fit the established mood? Might cost a bit too. As would Sinatra.

As for story, bear in mind this is not my favourite type of character-based anti-hero genre .The problem I had is neither character is particularly likeable or sympathetic - it's a bit too absurdist for my taste I think.That said, obnoxious unlikeable characters can be popular. I just think you need to nail big laughs for it to be effective and to sustain that length of on-going banter.

I think what I'd do is cut quite a bit of the extraneous narrative and get to the pivotal bits of the story faster. I can see you enjoyed writing this whacky tale and it's colourful, but honestly it went on just a bit too long for me. Perhaps edit and up the suspense with Hal in hot pursuit along the way? That storyline kinda faded out. And Marv's main mission and purpose in life is to get Cindy back, right?

a magician never
reveals his secrets.

- This should be on a separate line and I'd put it in Italics.

Remember, mine is just one person's opinion. Comedy is highly subjective.
You can definitely write, so keep at it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
AlexanderLR
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 8:08am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
44
Posts Per Day
0.26
Appreciate the feedback. Yeah I do tend to get bogged down in the details, especially with the character descriptions. I'll tend to forget I'm writing a screenplay not a novel. But yeah less is more right? and you do get a better picture of the character e.g, mouldy fur, uneven ears, whiskerless man-sized rabbit. So which parts do you think should be cut? How could I make Frederick Fuzz likeable? How could the chase scene be improved? Do you think throwing the cotton bud out was a little lazy? Yeah Marv's mission is to regain control basically.
I should point out by the way I don't have aspirations to become a writer, this is a hobby. My dream is to be in the cartoon industry. Maybe in the future I'll turn this story into an animation...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
LC
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
5951
Posts Per Day
1.27
Alexander, there's nothing wrong with detail - you gave me a very clear picture of these two characters instantly. The trick is in giving your audiences embellishments in an economical way. You don't need to cut much with your descriptions. Cut too much and we don't get the flavour. Like I said, examine the paragraph of description and work out where you can still evoke the image you want without the extraneous stuff.

The whole time I was reading this I was picturing cartoon and animation, so your aspirations and vision shine through.

And I think the way you've written this Frederick Fuzz is not meant to be likeable. He's a bit of an ogre. He's the character you want to get rid of, but as much as you try, you can't. That's the set-up for your comedic moments.

More giggle moments are needed imho.

After a revamp by way of trying to inject a few more sight-gags and jokes,  I'd also suggest you post this as Animation/Cartoon in the Comedy section - not dramedy.

And remember, you need more than just my opinion to gauge the general consensus.
Get feedback from others. My preferred comedy is just not along the lines of bodily fluids etc. I'm probably one of the few not enamoured with films like Bridesmaids, for example.

It's a little quiet around here at the moment so maybe post a script review exchange here:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

And maybe even post something shorter/cartoon/skit-like too, (say, ten pages or less) to exercise your chops in a shorter format?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
AlexanderLR
Posted: March 17th, 2021, 10:17am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
44
Posts Per Day
0.26
Thanks again mate, really helped me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
LC
Posted: March 17th, 2021, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
5951
Posts Per Day
1.27
Ooh, Alexander, I forgot to mention - bottom of the last page ( 55)... Typo.
I think you mean 'fetal' position.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
AlexanderLR
Posted: March 17th, 2021, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
44
Posts Per Day
0.26
Oh christ yeah! How did I miss that?! I'm laughing now, cheers for letting me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006