Alexander, I gave this a read as I noticed you were requesting feedback.
A few format/techie things to begin with:
You've obviously downloaded software cause the dialogue is now in the right place.Frederick Fuzz is now sat besides Marv the Marvelous.
This is typical Brit usage, and mixing tenses. In dialogue it's fine cause characters often don't use grammatically correct sentences, however in description it should be worded:
Frederick Fuzz sits beside Marv the Marvelous.
Here in dialogue it's fine:This huge bowl of trifle, sat
there, callin my name
Your comma usage is a bit all over the place, mainly with omitting them :
MARV THE MARVELOUSAbsolutely not remember whoís
leading this act, your forte?
That sentence reads a bit iffy.
FREDERICK FUZZAh címon itís my forte.
Ah c'mon, it's my forte.
MARV THE MARVELOUS (CONT'D)I donít want your nuts rabbit.
I don't want your nuts, Rabbit
Ah címon knock yaself out.
Ah c'mon, knock yaself out.Hey I got another one for ya.
Hey, I got another one for ya.
All need commas inserted.https://www.livewritethrive.com/2015/01/16/lets-not-eat-grandma/http://guidetogrammar.org/grammar/commas_big.htm
MARV THE MARVELOUS (CONT'D)
For a cleaner read, take out your CONT'Ds in software settings.
Also, delete pages 56, 57 & 58. They're blank.
You might think I'm being a bit pedantic but it looks sloppy.
Your writing for the most part is very good. You use great verb choices, especially in action and are nicely avoiding generic words like 'looks', 'sees', 'walks' etc., So your action flies off the pages nicely.
Your descriptions are lively and colourful too:Marv the Marvelous is in his mid-40ís, immaculately dressed,
wearing pearl white gloves. His charcoal black jacket is
decorated with white-stitched question marks. His wavy black
hair topped with a single purple strand travelling down a
puffy face. Piercing blue eyes surrounded in murky shadow
suggest frightful despair.
Try to keep within four lines for Spec writing with your descriptions.
MARV THE MARVELOUS, mid 40s, immaculately dressed, black jacket stiched with question marks, white gloves.
Do you need charcoal, or pearl white?
Avoid Orphans:Emerging, bruised and caked in dust, is the man-sized rabbit.
Gangly, mouldy green fur, uneven ears, whiskerless, bulging
yellow eyes, the only thing he carries in his unibrow are
See that word (fleas) out on its own taking up that entire sentence?
A man sized rabbit would do it.
Bruised, caked in dust, a man-sized rabbit emerges.
Also here:His leg is missing a large portion of skin and the bone is
You have lots of Orphaned sentences throughout.
Here's another example:The scent of sugar and syrup carries him forward despite the
Not a big deal but you could do with editing.
You don't need all the CUT TOs.
Ha!Jean-Michel Jarreís Oxygene, pt. 4 drowns out the muttering
Does this fit the established mood? Might cost a bit too. As would Sinatra.
As for story, bear in mind this is not my favourite type of character-based anti-hero genre .The problem I had is neither character is particularly likeable or sympathetic - it's a bit too absurdist for my taste I think.That said, obnoxious unlikeable characters can be popular. I just think you need to nail big laughs for it to be effective and to sustain that length of on-going banter.
I think what I'd do is cut quite a bit of the extraneous narrative and get to the pivotal bits of the story faster. I can see you enjoyed writing this whacky tale and it's colourful, but honestly it went on just a bit too long for me. Perhaps edit and up the suspense with Hal in hot pursuit along the way? That storyline kinda faded out. And Marv's main mission and purpose in life is to get Cindy back, right? a magician never
reveals his secrets.
- This should be on a separate line and I'd put it in Italics.
Remember, mine is just one person's opinion. Comedy is highly subjective.
You can definitely write, so keep at it.