First Born by Caustic Sauce - A man races to hospital to be at the birth of his first baby.  Short, Thriller

At first I wasn't too thrilled with the time-trial run to the hospital reveal but then I considered how fun this could be if filmed. That said, how I imagine watching doesn't quite fit the action and description. Throw in a couple close-call incidents and near misses to amp up the drive since that's what we'd be watching. Make it a real white-knuckle ride with the lighthearted reveal at the end.

Great little concept with a revision. Good job, writer.

Ha! I liked this one, though I'm not quite sure if it meets the criteria of a thriller. Although there was a ticking clock effect here, there weren't enough obstacles on the road to really give the story much suspense, nothing really stopping him from getting to his wife.

The twist was somewhat anti-climactic, but it was funny and ironic. Just not sure if it's a thriller. But I enjoyed it nonetheless.

-- Michael

Loved this little short! But...it just wasn't thriller enough. Great twist at the end. I think you need to tighten the writing and add more tension with his driving which would make it more of a thriller. This is really great though. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Good concept. Writing is a bit sloppy, but nothing a rewrite wouldn't fix. Not sure this is a thriller though.

Good, light-hearted twist. I liked it. :)

Hi writer,

Quoted Text CAMERON (CONT’D) I’m here baby,

I'm here, baby.

Some awkward writing in places.

This felt like a bit too much of a joke to carry any real tension. It really doesn't feel like a thriller at all. I think you missed the mark a bit on this one.

All the best.

I don't see how this would work at all, you would hear her in the backseat and not just through the phone.

Appreciate the effort though.

This was pretty good, didn’t see it coming, so… yeah. Need some damn fine acting to pull this off, and a lot of camera misdirection, but definitely has a good twist in it. Best of luck.

This has a cute little twist but I don't see it practically working. Not a thriller as well. Good effort.

This:

Quoted Text A beat up FORD races down a tree lined country road. Leafs lie thick on the verge as a slight autumnal drizzle moistens the tarmac, lit only by the car’s headlights.

Is a bit too dense

Okay - I really liked this story and the twist.  But to me - it ain't a thriller.

Liked this one but it doesn't feel like a thriller. The twist itself is a comedic reveal. Still, a fun little short.

The ending certainly is a surprise, but it is a disappointing one. It is kind of like watching a film about an airplane going down only to find out it was just a test. Not expected, but it takes a lot of the oomph out of what we've previously watched. Very good writing though!

Logistically I can't see how this would work as she's only in the back seat.

Not sure if this is one that reads better than it could be filmed.

It's a great asset to have a decent sense of humor. Maybe a new car would fix the problem. ;D

Um, this felt more like a comedy than anything, with a decent punchline. Methinks the tension should be ratcheted up in order for this to work as a true thriller. It was cute though. My thoughts may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery.  Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll. Best of Irish luck. :)-A

The concept of racing to the hospital is a good one. I though the bump that he hit was going to turn into something significant.

The dry run is just so-so in my book. What if they were doing a dry-run and something truly terrible happened? That might turn things up a notch.

More of a comedy feel than anything.

The writing was good and it was a cute use of the 2 pages... Non American writer using TYRE.

It was so-so for me.

Good job on entering

Brilliant.  Absolutely first rate with me.  A great twist and well-written to boot.  Well-done.

Very good take on all the myriad "got to get to the expectant mother to the hospital" TV episodes. And more fun, because all those other shows pretty much look the same.

Opening action block and I'm wondering if you wrote this with a thesaurus on your lap. Or maybe that's common parlance on your side of the Pond?

Was going to comment on how stilted and on-the-nose the dialog read, but having seen the twist this is exactly how expectant parents rehearse things :) That makes the logline a bit misleading, though.

Fantastically unnecessary risk by the parents. This kid is screwed.

Good job!

I think you have to suspend logic and disbelief here.

It really was a suspenseful ride - perhaps a few near misses for comedic effect, like John suggested.
Overall though, you had me.

A good entry from left field.
Nice work.

"Dangerously weaving through other traffic and ignoring red lights, the car screeches to a stop outside the emergency department." With a pregnant woman in the back seat.....as a test run! That's nuts and only really works as a comedy sketch but points for thinking outside the box for sure!

What??  Hahaha -- no, no, this script was not for me.

Well-written.  Beetroot implies some kind of coastal elite pulling a fast one with this script.

I might even know who this is, and they are talented beyond what is displayed here.

Logic of the situation aside, I can't deny I liked the twist.  I thought he’d die or was already dead or some such horror to come but it was a surprise.  Elements of thriller in the set-up but overall I’m not sure it’s a fit for the challenge.  Feels more light-hearted.  One to come back to though.

Not a thriller, but definitely written in a pulse-pounding way.

This genuinely made me smile. I think it would work great as a short with the right director and editor.

Good stuff~

Writer,

Excellent, IMO anyway. I thought you would go dark here, I also thought the twist would be another dead guy talking on the phone thing. But neither happened, still I was with it all the way with an unexpected reveal... Good job!

Steve

This one made me laugh. As a whole it felt like a Comedic Thriller. Lighthearted, I'm glad it took a more unexpected turn.

Great entry.