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First Born - May (currently 1048 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:43pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator  So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts17384 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
First Born by Caustic Sauce - A man races to hospital to be at the birth of his first baby. Short, Thriller |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - May 11th, 2021, 7:02pm | | |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:07pm |
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Old Timer  No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1895 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
At first I wasn't too thrilled with the time-trial run to the hospital reveal but then I considered how fun this could be if filmed. That said, how I imagine watching doesn't quite fit the action and description. Throw in a couple close-call incidents and near misses to amp up the drive since that's what we'd be watching. Make it a real white-knuckle ride with the lighthearted reveal at the end.
Great little concept with a revision. Good job, writer. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:09pm |
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January Project Group 
LocationHarlem USA Posts1185 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Ha! I liked this one, though I'm not quite sure if it meets the criteria of a thriller. Although there was a ticking clock effect here, there weren't enough obstacles on the road to really give the story much suspense, nothing really stopping him from getting to his wife.
The twist was somewhat anti-climactic, but it was funny and ironic. Just not sure if it's a thriller. But I enjoyed it nonetheless.
-- Michael |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:20pm |
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January Project Group 
Posts1178 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Loved this little short! But...it just wasn't thriller enough. Great twist at the end. I think you need to tighten the writing and add more tension with his driving which would make it more of a thriller. This is really great though. Thoroughly enjoyed it. |
| boop |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:23pm |
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Of The Ancients  This place happens to be my only world.
LocationKentucky Posts5064 Posts Per Day 0.72 |
Good concept. Writing is a bit sloppy, but nothing a rewrite wouldn't fix. Not sure this is a thriller though. Good, light-hearted twist. I liked it.  |
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Warren |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:41am |
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Of The Ancients  A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3890 Posts Per Day 1.17 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text CAMERON (CONT’D) I’m here baby, |
I'm here, baby. Some awkward writing in places. This felt like a bit too much of a joke to carry any real tension. It really doesn't feel like a thriller at all. I think you missed the mark a bit on this one. All the best. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:17am |
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Old Timer 
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1896 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
I don't see how this would work at all, you would hear her in the backseat and not just through the phone.
Appreciate the effort though.
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Gum |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:36am |
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Been Around 
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts868 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
This was pretty good, didn’t see it coming, so… yeah. Need some damn fine acting to pull this off, and a lot of camera misdirection, but definitely has a good twist in it. Best of luck. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:39am |
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Been Around 
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts811 Posts Per Day 0.40 |
This has a cute little twist but I don't see it practically working. Not a thriller as well. Good effort. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:52pm |
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January Project Group 
LocationSouthern California Posts6972 Posts Per Day 1.75 |
This:
Quoted Text A beat up FORD races down a tree lined country road. Leafs lie thick on the verge as a slight autumnal drizzle moistens the tarmac, lit only by the car’s headlights. |
Is a bit too dense Okay - I really liked this story and the twist. But to me - it ain't a thriller. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:50pm |
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Old Timer 
Posts1006 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Liked this one but it doesn't feel like a thriller. The twist itself is a comedic reveal. Still, a fun little short. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:56pm |
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January Project Group 
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
The ending certainly is a surprise, but it is a disappointing one. It is kind of like watching a film about an airplane going down only to find out it was just a test. Not expected, but it takes a lot of the oomph out of what we've previously watched. Very good writing though! |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:02pm |
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January Project Group 
LocationUK Posts4684 Posts Per Day 1.10 |
Logistically I can't see how this would work as she's only in the back seat.
Not sure if this is one that reads better than it could be filmed. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:22pm |
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Old Timer 
LocationYup, that's me, myself, and I up in the corner Posts1764 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
It's a great asset to have a decent sense of humor. Maybe a new car would fix the problem.  Um, this felt more like a comedy than anything, with a decent punchline. Methinks the tension should be ratcheted up in order for this to work as a true thriller. It was cute though. My thoughts may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery. Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll. Best of Irish luck.  -A |
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Rob |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:38pm |
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Posts213 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
The concept of racing to the hospital is a good one. I though the bump that he hit was going to turn into something significant.
The dry run is just so-so in my book. What if they were doing a dry-run and something truly terrible happened? That might turn things up a notch. |
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