ARC by Not Telling - The night shift at Heathrow's animal centre get some new guests.  Short, Thriller

Some awkward phrasing, but otherwise the writing is solid. I thought the twist at the end was kinda funny. Other than that, I just don't feel like there's much meat on these bones. :(

Solid effort.

Yeah, heard it’s the little scorpions you have to look out for. Thankfully, in my neck of the woods they don’t exist, except for collectors of exotic pets etc. Anyway, scary thought/scenario going on here but… not feeling a twist in this, or shock value. If it was the TSA at Heathrow and they dug into someone’s pants like a pervert and got bit by one of these lil bastards, then maybe that would have a nice sour lemon twist in terms of a morality theme… don’t go digging in peoples pants.

Decent effort

Not too much of a twist as the scorpions escaped and ended on her hat !!!

It's hard with only 2 pages but this one really didn't work for me..

Good job on entering though

I liked this, though the description is a bit dense at parts and absent of proper commas. It could use some rewording. Nevertheless, I liked the twist, which sort of ends on a cliffhanger, though it's enough to suggest the danger that lies ahead. I would not label this as a thriller or horror, though.

Good work.

-- Michael

The writing is a bit inefficient in places - but I kind of dig the story other than I have no idea why you would use an airport for a setting in this tale.

A stinger ending?  :P

There's no tension in the writing, it comes off as lighthearted comedy, which is fine except for the genre requirements. This isn't much of a thriller, but fine, comedy thriller.

Not bad, just not much here.

Hi writer,

I liked the dry humour in this, intentional or not.

The writing isn’t bad but the story is pretty straight forward, could have used more of a sting in the tail :)

All the best.

Haha!

ABBI
Look, they're more scared of you.
CARL
Unlikely. And what do you mean they?

Funny droll humour.
Short, sweet, very enjoyable, and with a sting in the tail, potentially literally.

A very nice and different entry.

I liked the setup and the idea, dialogue felt natural.

The Ending didn't do it too much for me and labelling it horror is a stretch.

Good effort though

Bad title for a decent script that makes good use of its comic possibilities.

This is another one that feels as if cuts were made to squeeze the story into its pages.

Bonus points for the beastie actually existing.

A perfectly solid entry.

Great idea, written well. Definitely a sting in the tail type of twist, but...I felt the ending fell a bit flat. I do love the idea though. It would make a great short but maybe just something a bit more impactful at the end instead of them just resting on the brim of her hat.

Nice effort!!

Decent effort with a minimal twist. More comedy than horror.
Well done

This didn't do much for me. A guy breaks a scorpion cage and the scorpion might sting them. Not much of a setup or twist. An extra element, like there was something foul at play or something, would've helped a lot.

I live in scorpion country, so I get this:

ABBI
Look, they're more scared of you.
CARL
Unlikely.

I hate those little buggers.

Good story. Pretty sure they don't ship in glass containers but who cares. Needs a cleanup but it fits the parameters. Good work.

I like the cliffhanger ending, but this feels more like a comedy. Is there a way to set this someplace other than an airport? What about a custom's office. Easier to film.

Very nice. And funny.

This is a fun little romp.  Not sure of what genre you’re dabbling in here.  Feels more like a comedy than anything else.  Also not exactly sure what the twist is.  I thought you might be going for the “sting in the tail” but it didn’t go there.  In fact, it felt like the script ended before the ending, if that makes sense.  I kind of wanted to see how she got out of it.  You had a good setup but you left me hanging there.  Otherwise, pretty good effort.

Also, loved the title page.

Well you don't need to be an orthopedic surgeon to tickle your funny bone with this 2 pager. ;D  But
nothing in the tone of this seems thrilling...if anything, it seems almost lighthearted with the banter between Abbi and Carl. Best of Irish luck! :)

I think using a goofy title font is sufficient to mark it as a title, you don't need to underline it, too. Also missing the FADE IN: and FADE OUT., probably in a bid to save space.

That must be a big uniform if Abbi and Carl can fit inside it ;)

I like the twist in this one. I don't think Carl will be getting an offer for the permanent job.

Nice job!

Simple and effective, yet felt more like a sketch than a short story. Lacks a bit of a sting in the tail - I bet I'm the first one to use that joke!

Writing could do with a polish to make for a smoother read but I kind of liked the idea, even though it's more scetch-like, and it's nice to read something a bit different.

Good luck

Decent enough effort. I agree with what Gary said about ending it too early. Figuring out how to escape from a scorpion hovering inches from your face seems like the real thriller. Of course, then you wouldn't have the twist ending and it'd probably be more than 2 pages. Post challenge I would definitely like to see how they get out of this situation.

So you decided... sting in the tail... I can do that. Literally. :)

Fun little short without much depth. Nothing wrong with that. I enjoyed it.

Writing needs some fine tuning. Missing commas hurt the flow.

Not getting much of a horror or thriller vibe from this - tone feels flat and matter of fact.  That’s something to work on that can help pull readers into the scene and kick it up a level.

Why stand still?  Why not get out of there?  Not sure how the scorpions ended up on Abbi’s hat or if they intended to sting - bit open-ended on that count.

Appreciate the nuanced set-up, it’s different and gives you plenty to work with.  I’m not sure this is quite the idea for me.  Good work for entering, maybe one to come back to with fewer constraints.

My favourite so far.

I'm reading in order of the original script posting thread, so just over halfway down.

Loved the interplay between the characters, and the reveal was perfectly played and situated in the script.

Only gripe would be it's more comedy than horror, but that's a small gripe. Although I did find the first paragraph or so a little difficult to get into. Had to make myself come back a couple of times. Had it not been me setting myself the challenge of reading all of the scripts, I would've bowed out. Obviously glad I didn't, but that's how short attention can be when coming to reading scripts.

However, this is a really good script.