The Enigma Complex by Riddle Burrito - Two young urban apartment hunters are introduced to the latest style of inner city living.   Short, Sci Fi

I appreciate the originality here, especially in the twist... but it just wasn't for me. Outside of the image of the guy sawing off his own foot, this felt like a dark, sci-fi comedy. And it didn't really seem budget-friendly. I did like the writing on the most part and, again, the originality in its premise and twist. But, I dunno, something about it didn't do it for me.

-- Michael

The dialogue was a bit OTN/expositional for me.

Not really a twist here

Didn't quite land for me

Writer,

Definitely a WTF moment in there, which I liked. Other than that, no real rhyme or reason, and that dude sawing his foot off never cropped up again, or added to this tale. I did like the writing and the effort, though.

Steve

Well it was sci fi but I didn't see a twist. Interesting imagery, especially with the guy sawing off his own foot. That was something. LOL. Very imaginative but for me it was missing the twist or sting at the end.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Establishing shot of a gleaming white apartment

No real need to say "establishing shot" as its the first shot we see and it establishes where we are automatically.

Can't say I overly enjoyed this one. Definitely had a shock in it but the overall story left me wanting.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

I like the idea and originality of the script, but it seemed like the setup had no relevance to the eventual payoff. The dude sawing his foot off was funny in a Monty Python, "Oh, this is abuse" type of way, but it felt too silly and took a lot away from the eventual payoff. People are still going to be thinking about the guy sawing off his foot as the whole "apartments built in parallel universes" dialogue is happening. The previous scene robs it of any impact.

Maybe something not so absurd, like a slaughterhouse or dirty restaurant, can bring home the idea of the smells not carrying better.

Still, a very cool idea that could be worked into a much more effective story.

Didn't quite get this one. Reasonably strong writing though.

Cool idea but there was no plot so didn't work for me as a standalone short.

Good effort though

There is no twist here. Maybe a shock. Didn't do it for me.

Interesting concept but there was no conflict or resolution. She entered the wrong space and that was it. Could just as well been a normal family living space oops with the same result. Dialogue was just too much as well. Candy's opening comment was way OTN. Good luck, writer.

Nice idea but didn't fully work for me. Concept is good if you ever think of expanding on it, inter-dimensional houses.
Well done.

The interdimensional space idea is good, liked that.

But not sure why someone would saw their foot off in one, felt forced in for the shock value.

No twist that I can see, but I still like it. Very creative idea, with the multiple apartments all sharing the same space. Thought the dude sawing off his foot was random as hell, in the best way possible. ;D

Not sure this meets the challenge, but I'm happy I read it. :)

Um, to my shock and awe, I'm not sure what to make of this one...or how I feel about it. Not to my taste. It needs more salt and pepper, if that makes sense. Best of Irish luck. :)

Not really any sort of twist...

Opens the wrong apartment to a guy sawing off his leg. casually explaining the wrong apartment number ??

Not very low budget for 2 pages.

Didn't work for me sorry

I'm not sure (as a micro short) this would have quite enough payoff for an audience.

Personally though, I loved the Lynchian absurdist nature of this.

Apparently death is a common occurrence in this period, as exemplified by the Man sawing his own foot off, but all Joe and Sally are concerned about is finding a posh apartment to live in. That's the story. It might have been more interesting if the story had made use of the fact that each apartment exists in its own inter-dimensional sup-space.

Bizarre for sure. Not sure what the twist is, but it’s a fun sort of sci-fi read. Enjoyed reading it, and it’s extremely well-written. Good job here.

As a sci-fi fan I appreciate the idea here, it has legs for a longer tale. It just didn't seem to have a twist, the slight shock reveal had to be explained with dialogue so it lost some of its impact.

Nicely written and easy to follow, a very decent effort.  

Hmm... not entirely sure what to say about this one.

I like the idea of the causal indifference shown as it's something I've seen when I've lived in bigger cities, but not sure if it was as impactful as you intended.

The first bit of Candy's dialogue threw me off too as it reads like she's casually insulting them, unless that was your intention.

Anyways, good effort.

I like this one a lot because it is just kind of bonkers.  Toss the budget out the window.  I don't think that's the point here.  This will never be made, but entirely deserves to exist.

For those that play the guessing game, parkade seems a good clue.

Well, that was certainly different. Imaginative. The guy sawing his leg off kind of came out of nowhere and doesn't seem to pay off. I don't know what it all means, but it kept me entertained.

This would have worked better for me if the end result wasn't so mundane. After that twisted bit, I was hoping for more of a button on this. Like maybe this was a form of hell or something, and they enter their lovely space and proceed to start beating each other to bloody pulps. But hey, not my story. I did like that saw moment a lot, even if it did read like a Monty Python bit.

The dialogue is a bit awkward, the rest of the writing is fairly good. High marks for concept, but it misses on the execution for me.

Ah, okay… kind of an ‘Adjustment Bureau’ thing going on here, but instead of access to inter-dimensional doors via cool looking Fedora Hats, the (apartment) complex itself is the enigma. True, there are two things you smell when living in an apartment: what other people are cooking, and if someone died. In this case it’s the parking garage dudes gangrenous foot, hence the smell of necrosis.

Perhaps Candy could just mention that, as in; “Exactly… the smell of cooking and gangrenous body limbs are a thing of the past with new inter-dimensional living spaces!”

But then there’s the odd chance your apartment resides in a really fucked up dimension and the view from your balcony would be an apocalyptic wasteland or such, then again… it could be a surreal nightscape of celestial events too, oh the possibilities. This needs work but the bones are there. Best of luck.

Definitely drop "establishing shot." It's not needed.

50 X 50 is also probably too specific. We can't see the dimensions. Consider something more generic like: Though not very wide at all, it is, however, hundreds of stories tall. Or, something like that.

The setting is cool. Love the idea. This doesn't really work for me as a 2-page short, but I think it'd be interesting to see you develop a full story within this world. Like, keep the setting, but rethink the story you want to tell within the setting.

Damn, another one where I feel blue balled. I'm going to chalk it up to you ran out of time, Writer.

Great concept, want to see more, but I don't see any twist, shock, or sting.

Good effort

The core thing here is that writing *any* script is tough. Trying to bring your creative vision to the page without losing the tone and felling you're going for is incredibly difficult. Some dodgy dialogue, or poorly paced writing can capsize a script. That grows by a significant factor when writing a two-page story!

My feeling is the parameters of the challenge maybe tripped you up. I just can't really fathom what the story is here, let alone any real meaning. That's not a criticism of your writing, but of a script that doesn't really have any traditional structure, and there's no twist. So I think the story that's in your head is most likely too big for two pages.

Thanks all for the feedback, including those who didn’t play this round but stopped in any way. Yeah, gonna say this is the first OWC in the 8 years or so I’ve been doing them that I actually stopped reading the comments about halfway through (with a plan to revisit after a few days, like… today) cause they pretty much all pointed out the same issue… it doesn’t make any sense.

Basically, the apartment is the ‘twist’ so to speak, that being, it’s multi-dimensional, but I it came off as boring and nonchalant in a two-page script. All good, live and learn.

Quoted from bert Toss the budget out the window.  I don't think that's the point here.  This will never be made, but entirely deserves to exist.

Actually, this would be incredibly easy to make, you just have to think outside of the box.

First establishing shot: any building in any city in the world that’s tall and skinny. Even stock footage, then add voiceover.

Second shot: any underground parking garage in any city in the world that an elevator opens up across the hall from the parking garage fire door; fire doors are mandatory on all buildings that grant access to an underground parking area. This is basically the door you purpose as access to the inter-dimensional apartment, tape an iPad to the wall and there’s your futuristic keypad. Open the door to show the garage, even remove the guy with the bone saw to make it easier, then shut door.

Third shot: Actors type in new apartment dimensional code in keypad, begin opening garage door again, then quickly cut that scene in post and toggle to a reverse angle that was setup from inside a posh apartment as they enter inside.

Shoot it on an iPhone, get your friends to act it out and pay them with cold-cuts and beer. Easy, lol.

Anyway, thanks again, cheers…