Hitori by 16644000 - It was only Hitori.  Short, Sci Fi, Horror

Hi writer,

Quoted Text MONTAGE: HITORI (30s), plain clothes, clean-cut. He paces around his apartment, writes on loose paper, tries his best to pass the time. Curiosity and fascination in his movements.

Not the correct formatting for a montage, but you would have blown your page count any other way.

If it's the same character speaking there is no need to keep adding the character name before dialogue. I see what you've done, but maybe an action line between each bit of dialogue would be better.

Um... okay. I definitely felt the madness but I don't really get it and I'm not sure what the twist/shock/sting was.

Maybe this is just too complex for me.

All the best.

Huh. Odd way of formatting. And odd storytelling.

I don't get it. :(

Good job for getting something in.

Wow..


Sorry that was a struggle and it's only 2 pages.

Good job on entering

OK, yeah, this guy definitely has lost his shit. I always wondered though; how long would it take to become aware of lucid dreaming or astral projection in a state of isolation with no escape from death? I think that’s what purgatory might be, just exist until you figure a way to transcend. Maybe Hitori is close (to transcendence) and this is what it looks like… madness. Not digging or feeling a twist, or shock value, but the dialog was off the rocker fun to sift through. Best of luck.

I feel like either I missed something or this had no twist whatsoever. Also, the writing: this isn't how a montage should be written. This really isn't a montage. There should be TIME CUT in between each new block of dialogue (MOMENTS LATER, THE NEXT DAY or DAY 100, etc).

Nice effort. We see the man's madness, but it doesn't go anywhere except him going mad. No twist, no plot.

-- Michael

Wow. The torment and madness is very effective.

Studio Apartment is way too boring a location for this imho.

I think this (below) is the key to your very original script:

The pens and
paper are infinite. I attempted
scarification on my arm, however I
felt no pain and no scars formed

In a bigger piece, show us this happening e.g. him taking a scalpel or blade to his wrist, it bleeding, but the wound healing instantly, no trace, no scar. That'd be a great visual. As would everything else just renewing itself.

I don't think you quite pulled it off in two pages but this sure was inventive.
Definitely work on this after the challenge.
Bringing something new to SciFi is not easy and I think you have a terrific germ of an idea here.

I like that it felt a little like Stephen King's The Jaunt (one of my favourite short stories) mixed with Event Horizon and Junji Ito's Long Dream. But this really felt like a short story itself, rather than a film script. I don't know what Hitori is doing 90% of the time as his VO continues.

It's a good idea that needs far more than two pages.

This is a great idea in my opinion. I didn't know where it was going and when revealed I thought it was clever.

16 million days... no wonder he went absolutely crazy lol.

The writing itself however was not great. It's not a montage and this would have worked in the last challenge that needed no visuals - in this challenge, however, you need visuals because at the moment we are just listening to the guy.

Also set it somewhere better than a studio apartment.

All the best

This is brill on so many levels.  Trapped alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company.  I thought it unfolded really well from the slow realization that you weren't in a room, to  the slow decent into madness.  I hope he'll be ok when he wakes up.

- Don

Excellent concept, even if you made some odd choices in execution.  Would have benefited from a bit more description and a bit less VO.

Goes on for two VOs too long.  Nice one, though.

Quoted from Don This is brill on so many levels.  Trapped alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company.  I thought it unfolded really well from the slow realization that you weren't in a room, to  the slow decent into madness.

I agree. Written by someone smarter than me for sure.

To the writer, you might enjoy this short story, Symbios  by J.A Konrath. Before he became a big writer, I actually had the rights to write the screenplay adaptation until my "agent" killed the deal because she demanded I should have the rights to action figures...  :D Anyway, I think you might like it.

This is all tell and no show but if you showed action in the script with the proper formatting along with the VO you would have gone over 2 pages so this is cheating a bit.

This is a great short prose story and you describe the descent into madness very well, it's just we never find out why he's stuck in this room and can't age or die. I was expecting a big twist at the end like he's stuck in a simulation but there's nothing.  

This one didn't work for me I'm afraid.

Maybe as an idea it has legs but not as it is right now.

Good luck though

So much VO that I forgot where he was and what to visualize. Perhaps more action blocks to keep me interested would be ideal. I felt for sure it would have him wake in a cryo chamber with his arrival on IO or Europa. Great concept that was lost in execution.

That was pretty damn good and massive points for doing something different. The descent into madness felt real. Really liked this, great job.

An attempt at someone with locked in syndrome? When he should be sleeping he's aware of external stimulation and being driven crazy by it. I think I get the concept but the execution didn't quite hit the mark for me.
Well done.

A prisoner in your own mind. Kill me.

The format is a huge cheat, but as others have pointed out, doing it any other way would blow the page limit. It's clear enough to get the point across, but I argue it isn't really a script. There need to be visuals, or there needs to be one visual throughout, like a close up of his face or something and that's it. Or even no visuals like the last challenge. The expectation here is we would see the things he's talking about and those are not on the page. The visuals you do have would not work throughout the reveal and ensuing madness.

Excellent idea poorly executed here, but oh, it has potential. It falls in the same vein as Passengers, the horror of knowing you're doomed to this existence of just being. Well worth doing properly outside of the challenge.

Tweaking the spacing at the top doesn’t help me warm to this.  Easier just to lose some dialogue.  That said, I quite like the underlying idea, if not the execution.  That’s if I’ve understood it right: he’s an astronaut in cryosleep but something has gone wrong and he’s essentially trapped in a dream or semi-lucid state?

Given the space and more freedom it could be something more poignant.  Hard to pull off an almost entirely dialogue-driven idea so kudos for giving it a go.  As it is, I’m not sure it would play out on screen as intended.  It would just be a guy ranting in an apartment and you might not get that connection you're looking for.

Interesting idea but the it feels very passive as it's almost entirely VO.

I think it needs some more visual elements.

Well, this would be the easiest short of all of them to film. Could probably shoot it in an hour or less.  It’s a bizarre story, to be honest, and not sure exactly what has happened, and I read that last page several times for clues, but I’m dumb as a stump to be honest and can’t figure it out.  But I enjoyed the writing and it’s highly fascinating.  Just wish I understood it.

Great idea. Bad script.

Ex: "He acts more and more sporadic." It's kind of the script's job to explain the visuals.

In fact, you basically left out all of the visuals. I mean, I know why. 2 pages. But, it still needs to be a script.

Still, this is a fantastic idea. I just wish you wouldn't have burned it on a 2-page script, where you don't have the room to pull it off.

Well...great idea but it's not a 2 pager. You really squashed it into 2 pages. Montage it was not.

You'd think they would have tested this system before using it on a mission. Maybe that was a casualty of the same budget cuts that left Earth with only one pilot to defend against the Space Bobblehead ;)

There's a progression here that's nicely nonlinear, and he covers a number of different kinds of rambling, but the fact that he bounces over into a homicidal state doesn't come as a huge surprise.

One wonders how all of these crew members will react upon waking.

Minor quibble... it's supposed to end with FADE OUT rather than END, and the spacing seems a little off.

Good job!

A guy on a doomed spaceship slowly goes nuts. The monologues are fine but I would like to see something happen.

Writer,

I don't know what this was all about, but I'll give you points for originality. Even though I was lost, I still liked this one alot.

Steve