Guantanamo by Nalon R. - An Arab takes part in a scientific experiment that explores his brain and extracts his memory data. But is his participation truly voluntary? Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology.   Short, Sci Fi, Thriller

Well, I happened to check the website just as this was posted, so I read it (I don't think there are rules against reviewing before all of the entries are posted? lol)

I really liked the story - The writing and descriptions felt dense at times and the reading was slow - but I could really picture everything.

Quite the imagination you have, I was intrigued by all the unusual goings-on.

I didn't care much for the General's dialogue, and John's on the nose description of what was going on, felt like you didn't trust the reader enough to know what was going on and spelt it out a bit.

I am also not sure how this would be made on a low-budget, but I've never made a film so what do I know.

Well done

Waterboarding to a whole new level. Yikes.

It's overwritten, even if you were going for atmospheric. The tone works, the pace good until the exposition begins. That's where this flounders for me, it could have been handled better. Everything else was so immersive, the explanations stand out like sign posts.

It veers into moustache-twirling villainy with the army/CIA motivations. A little restraint there would go a long way.

Nice job, but for me it just misses the mark.

A high-tech waterboarding. Cool.

Very descriptive. Maybe overly so.

I feel like this writer has a superpower that, once it's controlled, could explode into something great.

I'd love to see what this writer's work would look like if the same amount of creativity was combined with super-tight writing.

As this sits, it's just too dense for me to enjoy completely.

Very interesting start, though.

Descriptions could be tightened. Plenty of imagination here. I feel like you're missing an opportunity to make the whole experience more personal. Like he could be trapped in a memory he has, so we get to know him as this is all happening. The lake at the beginning could involve a past memory, a lover, whatever. And then the CIA people are distorting it.

I want something that makes me care for this guys fate.

But very creative idea.

Imaginative - I'll give you that. Quite clever to link water boarding to the body of water.

Some passages are a bit awkward.

Quoted Text an Arab clad in a thawb and utter determination who stares at his clenched fist

get rid of the who and replace it with a comma - it'll read better

Quoted Text Fist eases its pressure, palm opens slightly, a shiny strange marble filled with a glittering dark liquid reveals with

Just struck me as odd not to have "His fist"

Quoted Text Body spams uncontrollably.

Spasms???

Just slightly over-written for my taste - a little dense, yet somehow this stuck with me.

The General's dialogue was a bit stereotypical.

Cool story

So, futuristic waterboarding, huh? I liked the imagery, though I couldn't really picture some of it in my head. I thought the writing was good, if not a little more detailed than it had to be. But it is a complex, sci-fi piece, so it might have been necessary. I wasn't floored by this one nor was I disappointed. This was good, but didn't really have much of an impact on me. Good effort, though.

-- Michael

A form of torture that actually elicits useful information--unless this information wasn't first implanted by the nannites to start with. We see what Abbad experiences in the water because the writer does a very good job of describing the torture he's undergoing. But we never actually see the terrorist act Abbad is accused of committing. I don't think it's enough for John to assure the General (and us) that it worked. We need to see it.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text At the edge of the lake, blue turns to silver, liquid reflects at ABBAD (30s)

Not sure what I'm meant to be seeing here?

I feel like this could have been written more economically.

I don't think the budget was one of your concerns, consider it blown in the first half a page.

Decent idea, but just middle of the road for me. The writing could use some tightening up.

All the best.

High budget and reads more like a short story than a script but very imaginative. The title kind of gives it away what is going on but the imagery is great. This is a very visually impacting script.

"So how does this work?" - uh oh, we're about to have the whole story explained. And we do. It's a pity as you didn't need such exposition. We could have seen Abbad brought out of the virtual torture, reset, sent back in and his torturer ask questions.

Impressive skills this writer has, the story doesn't quite hit the mark yet, but shows potential.

Not a fan of detailed description which is evident here. This reads more like a short story than a script. Playing with someone's memory has been consistent theme in the sci-fi genre, so no surprises there. Overall, decent effort.  

As soon as I read this:

JOHN (V.O.)
We have everything you saw, now
let's see what you've heard, mother
fucker.

That was enough. There was no need to tell us how it worked since John's statement to Abbad was everything we needed to know.

Tighten this up, maybe entice him with visions of virgins, and you've a nice psychedelic Twilight Zone episode.

Descriptive and dark. Well written and something that could easily be expanded upon.
Well done.

Very vivid and creative use of the body of water.

Well written for the most part.

A solid entry for me

Writer,

Interesting premise. Still, I kept waiting for the big reveal (what Abbad knew) but it never seemed to come. The tornado and water and him sinking, drowning, seemed odd within the context of his memory. Or where the process took him. Overall, good story and premise, but not a satisfying conclusion.

Steve

Writing is rough around the edges, but there's actually a good concept here, but the ending is flat.

This one needs a good rewrite. Still, good effort. :)

Like the central idea here, certainly hit the SciFi note bang on.

But found the writing a little dense in places.

Decent effort

Interesting combination of an imaginative world and the problematic practice of waterboarding. There's definitely a sense of cruelty. I appreciate the high ambitions of the script. I think it is effective. On the other hand, the first page felt like five pages. There was so much to digest.

Jack Bauer needed this thingy in his torture kit.

Interesting, but I'm not big on the payoff of "he's being tortured". I think one extra element might have made the script work more. As it is written, I have to admit, it just felt a little creepy for me imaging a new way to torture people for information. I would've liked to root for the other guy, bleeding heart liberal that I am.

This isn't really screenplay "writing". It's very dense. And even though you used a lot of words to describe what was happening, I had a tough time visualizing it. The idea of it is pretty darn cool though. Futuristic torture for info...definitely something worth working on, but maybe a short story would be better not only for writing purposes, but this would cost way too much to film as a short.

It definitely has possibilities.