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Guantanamo by Nalon R. - An Arab takes part in a scientific experiment that explores his brain and extracts his memory data. But is his participation truly voluntary? Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology. Short, Sci Fi, Thriller
Well, I happened to check the website just as this was posted, so I read it (I don't think there are rules against reviewing before all of the entries are posted? lol)
I really liked the story - The writing and descriptions felt dense at times and the reading was slow - but I could really picture everything.
Quite the imagination you have, I was intrigued by all the unusual goings-on.
I didn't care much for the General's dialogue, and John's on the nose description of what was going on, felt like you didn't trust the reader enough to know what was going on and spelt it out a bit.
I am also not sure how this would be made on a low-budget, but I've never made a film so what do I know.
It's overwritten, even if you were going for atmospheric. The tone works, the pace good until the exposition begins. That's where this flounders for me, it could have been handled better. Everything else was so immersive, the explanations stand out like sign posts.
It veers into moustache-twirling villainy with the army/CIA motivations. A little restraint there would go a long way.
I feel like this writer has a superpower that, once it's controlled, could explode into something great.
I'd love to see what this writer's work would look like if the same amount of creativity was combined with super-tight writing.
As this sits, it's just too dense for me to enjoy completely.
Very interesting start, though.
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Descriptions could be tightened. Plenty of imagination here. I feel like you're missing an opportunity to make the whole experience more personal. Like he could be trapped in a memory he has, so we get to know him as this is all happening. The lake at the beginning could involve a past memory, a lover, whatever. And then the CIA people are distorting it.
I want something that makes me care for this guys fate.
So, futuristic waterboarding, huh? I liked the imagery, though I couldn't really picture some of it in my head. I thought the writing was good, if not a little more detailed than it had to be. But it is a complex, sci-fi piece, so it might have been necessary. I wasn't floored by this one nor was I disappointed. This was good, but didn't really have much of an impact on me. Good effort, though.
A form of torture that actually elicits useful information--unless this information wasn't first implanted by the nannites to start with. We see what Abbad experiences in the water because the writer does a very good job of describing the torture he's undergoing. But we never actually see the terrorist act Abbad is accused of committing. I don't think it's enough for John to assure the General (and us) that it worked. We need to see it.
High budget and reads more like a short story than a script but very imaginative. The title kind of gives it away what is going on but the imagery is great. This is a very visually impacting script.
"So how does this work?" - uh oh, we're about to have the whole story explained. And we do. It's a pity as you didn't need such exposition. We could have seen Abbad brought out of the virtual torture, reset, sent back in and his torturer ask questions.
Impressive skills this writer has, the story doesn't quite hit the mark yet, but shows potential.
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Not a fan of detailed description which is evident here. This reads more like a short story than a script. Playing with someone's memory has been consistent theme in the sci-fi genre, so no surprises there. Overall, decent effort.
Interesting premise. Still, I kept waiting for the big reveal (what Abbad knew) but it never seemed to come. The tornado and water and him sinking, drowning, seemed odd within the context of his memory. Or where the process took him. Overall, good story and premise, but not a satisfying conclusion.