Acolyte by Casey Jones - A train station guard waiting to go home is surprised by the last package of the night.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part. Short, Horror

This is a great start but it's just unfinished. I'd be even more satisfied if it ended with 'To be continued' than 'Fade Out'. Quite a few punctuation and grammar faux pas but I won't count them too much against you, being a 72-hour challenge.

Good work - needs an ending!

This one is great. Mostly excellent writing. My only issue is that Aurek's dialog was pretty hammy.

Still, love the dark implication of the ending. Messed up stuff.

Ya know, I loved the opening two pages - really, really well done.

I thought the second two were well done

Yet

They seemed like they were from different stories to me - like the connection was too lose, or there needed to be a stronger link between the opening and closing - I'll re-read again later to reevaluate because i really enjoyed the writing.

As far as horror goes, this one has the tone and gore nailed.

The dialogue with family went a bit long for me, it could be trimmed a bit tighter. And then we switch to not enough detail for everything else. You tell us we see an Aurek, a demon, but no description for it. Same with scenes of horror, fire, death, destruction. It's cheating to tell and not show, this is still a screenplay.

This is a bigger concept than you could pull off in four pages, and it shows. The writing is decent, with some errors throughout but nice descriptions. The dialogue is on the cheesy side, particularly for the demon.

Oh, and watch your repetitions. I think I counted five uses of "light" in the first half page.

Nice attempt, it could be something with the space it needs.

I really liked this one. Interesting visual -- I assume the severed head was the stolen skull Barney read about in the news? And now it's fleshing out more and more as it has people do it's evil bidding. Very imaginative concept and execution. And Barney really seems like a good guy. I hated to see this happen to him. And now his family is in trouble.

Overall, good work. One of the better ones.

Loved it. Aurek is a nasty SOB. Hope Sarah escapes and is instrumental in his downfall.

The setup seemed too long for such a short, I get why you did it so the horror of him being taken over hits harder.

Question - If the audience sees flashes of light on a train as it goes past, will they assume it is gunfire if they can't hear it?

Solid writing, meets the criteria, just too grim for my tastes and reads like a darker version of The Mummy franchise.

I really liked the build up and writing of this one. I could guess that whatever was in the sack will do no good to Barney(anyone could, since it's horror). Good visuals as well. Really a nice read.

Decent entry here. Nice set up (though could be trimmed a little) that's perfectly juxtaposed with how dark it gets.

Nice flowy writing too.

Well done.

A couple of the early lines could be combined to save space.

Char intro's bland, common in shorts, so just saying, but would still like some sense of style or personality.

Good opening dialogue, phone calls should use VO, not OS. OS is for a character being present, just not in camera view.

Lucinda (V.O.)
(over the phone)
Hi, honey...etc

Action lines can easily be tightened up. Lots of prose and passive verbs slow it down. Active verbs and better visual writing will add to the tension, which is there just not as much as it should be. The scene with the train going through until he sees the head were perfect conditions for strong writing to create a compelling image.

Dialogue fell apart for me on pg 3.  Good concept, but hard to deliver in such a short time so it feels like shortcuts were taken.  

Good concept, just too much to get across effectively in 4 pages.  I'd love to see what can be done in 5-10.

Page 1 - that’s a lot of lights…

Wasn’t really buying into Barney’s initial reaction in talking to the severed head.

Do we need to see it’s a severed head straightaway?  Maybe see Barney’s reaction and then the voice for extra chills and suspense.

The VISIONS part feels a little too rushed through.  Definitely big budget.

A decent little sting in the tail to end on as we imagine the horror to come.

Engaging enough but another one that feels bigger than the constraints can do justice to.

Packed a lot into 4 pages, obviously too much as we don't have an ending.

Well written and a good premise.
Nice visuals.

Overall a good entry

Hi Writer

Quoted Text BARNEY NOOOOOOOOOO.

That was cheesy lol

I think I get it, some kind of past demon/deity or other evil force is trying to regain his body and former self and does so through the death of others.
Aurek seems to be talking to him through his mind... personally I would have had a previous victim/acolyte turn up with the head (someone who has already murdered everyone he knows) to basically pass on the torch to Barney.
As it stands the strings are a bit too loose for me to really enjoy it.

Not a bad effort though.

Took me a minute to get it but I think I'm just slow this week. So this is the missing skull he read about and it's killing people to make itself corporeal. I like that. Cool idea and pretty good execution. Ending was disturbing.

I like that you tried to give us a reason to care about our man's demise. But, with only 4 pages to work with, I'd suggest just a little bit less on the front end.

That said, if you're going to miss, I guess it's better to miss on making your characters more relatable.

Very graphic idea, and I love that you went all in.

Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said.

My original comments seem to have somehow disappeared, I must have hit back or refresh ;-(

Anyway, I like this but it felt like a story of two halves, and personally preferred the first bit.

Seemed to me to be a lack of rational explanation for Aurek, so I found it jarring.

Technical opinion... I don't think you need TRAIN STATION on the line after the header where you tell us it's a TRAIN STATION ;-)

"I am the architect of your death," is my new favorite line.

I like the image of gunshots on a rushing train followed by a sack thrown from the train. Very cool.

We definitely feel sorry for Barney as he puts a pen through his hand and eye. Why is an ancient being so interested in inflicting cruelty via pen? I just have to ask.

Fun read.

Hi writer,

Well that took a turn.

Not bad, didn't mind it. Some of the dialogue could be cut and sharped up.

All the best.

Really loved this tale of a doomed protagonist that turns into a tale of our doomed planet. And I loved that you set him up as a decent guy. I'm nearing the end of my script reading and this is easily my fave. Would love to see it filmed.

This was pretty good. Fits the horror genre very well.

Writer,

This did t hit me as complete. Seeing a lot of this. A lot of these shorts do not tell complete stories, rather just pieces of something bigger. This falls into that category. While I appreciate the effort and the visuals you created, the story part - beginning, middle, end - lacks. But a decent start to something.

Steve

Jesus, that's  terrifying. Writing is good, a little awkward in the phrasing some places, but just nitcpicky. The concept is pretty awesome. One of the top ones IMO

This doesn't feel complete to me. It's like the beginning of something bigger. Something freaking awesome...but bigger. Feel like you ended at the inciting incident.

Writing is excellent. I hope you're inspired to expand on this. I'd definitely give it a read if you decide to.

Nice work.

Thanks everyone for the feedback, all fair and proper and looking over my story I can see where I can improve.
I originally condensed from 6 to 4 pages and cut dialogue and character development, but I can see now where I can tighten up more.
I wanted the end to be ambiguous, I tried to elicit a conflict between Barney and Aurek and have the reader unsure as to which way the tide would turn, would Barney kill his family or kill himself and give his family a chance to survive. I didn't quite manage that but I got halfway there.
Yes the dialogue was hammy at times, that's my bad, I can't write horror, bad guy, demon dialogue well and I may never will but it was fun trying.
Once again thanks to the community for the reviews and feedback.
O.