Lure by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as The Fisherman - Short, Sci Fi - An inventor time travels into the near future and finds himself waist-deep in water and neck-deep in a whole lot of trouble. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Loved this! My only issues are the couple smart ass comments made by the computer/smart watch. I'd stick to dry and emotionless direction. Nice reveal with the screen - good job!

This one was good. I liked the "lures". And the reveal at the end was a nice twist, him travelling waaaaay too far ahead in time. Though, if we're thousands of years later, how has technology not moved further ahead? I know the police car has automatic drive, but you'd think there'd be flying cars and shit.

Also, not sure if I liked the watch/robot voice having that much personality, specifically the sarcastic comments.

Other than, good work.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

Quoted Text An African-American man, DEION (40s) appears out of thin air, and finds himself waist-deep in murky water.

Quoted Text COMPUTER Avoid lures. Follow our/my/or pronoun of your choice directions.

Ticking those boxes.

Quoted Text COMPUTER Congratulations! You have won this week’s heavenly body/star prize!

This comes off quite out of place with regard to the rest of the computers dialogue.

Is there some kind of political messaging with a black guy getting into the back of a cop car?

Nope, not for me.

All the best.

I liked this one.

Clever premise, loved the use of the lures/temptations

Pretty sure we would have advanced more for 20300 ;D  

Good entry

Nice work, writer

Humans are gone and machines have presumably taken over - as shown by the watch and car (along with the last line of "we" need to preserve, gives it that larger world feel)

Creepy creatures with inventive lures have also evolved, they were cool - Presumably, this creature can sense what the victim wants and uses that as a lure? I mention this because if humans have been dead for millennia, what has this thing been eating? Then I thought, animals probably still exist so it could probably lure a deer in with the food it wants.

The writing was good, the twist at the end landed well.

Yup, loved this one.

Writer,

Didn’t quite work for me. Seemed like there wasn’t a rhyme or reason for anything going on. Why were there lures? Was a police car to take him away? Many questions, no answers that I can see.

Steve

Logline works well.

Intriguing setup. Like the idea of this watery, fog-shrouded landscape and the random objects/lures. Took me a while to realise the old man was a hologram.

It’s a good way to build tension although something of an uneven tone made me unsure how seriously I should be taking it all.  A lot of world-building for such a short space which leaves inevitable questions but I appreciate the originality.  The kind of idea to come back to perhaps.

Solid writing - nice visuals.

The story was good IMO for three pages - the ending just disconnected for me a bit - I guess I was looking for it to end in the water rather than in a car - seemed a bit unrelated

Good entry overall

An African-American materializes in the distant future, then meanders through a body of water, avoiding the "lures" that are enticing him to pick them up, then a bikini-clad babe appears with the same intent. He avoids all the pitfalls at the direction of his very smart watch, only to end up voluntarily getting into a cop car--something no African-American from 2021 is going to do.

The problem with this script is that Deion doesn't actually do anything and nothing is done to him.

Interesting atmosphere but I wasn't sure what was happening really. I get that the lures would pull you under, but to what? And police cars haven't changed in 20,000 years?? Sorry...I was interested but didn't really understand.

Nice misdirect with the off-center images. It would have been nice to spare a line for the computer to explain (badly) that it was talking through the watch, but an easy oversight in an early draft.

Other than the fact that Deion time traveled with no means of returning, his reactions seem realistic enough. And the twist at the end has the right level of likely consequence to feel like a fitting end of the story.

Great job!

So everything is a Lure, even the cop car? Is that a hologram too? I agree with the others that a black guy getting into the back of a police car is not PC at the moment so I'd alter that and also the tone change of the smartwatch seems off, although I get that the computer is learning to talk to humans again.

I like how far in the distant future things have devolved, a bit like the (original) Planet of the Apes.

Feels rushed at the end, you could do with a couple more pages to give this one more room to breath.

I'm on board with the time travel and the lure setup. Could do with a lot more twists, misdirection. Or like with the bikini girl, could work in some comedy where he's dead-set convinced she's real cuz she's hot even though she's glitching out. I guess this can't be a comedy mix though, it had to be sci-fi/thriller...

I dunno, just needs more tension/uncertainty with increasingly clever traps that test his wits. Anyways, solid work as is. Concept has plenty of potential.

A modern update of HG Wells Time Machine. Well kinda. Juts wondering if humankind hadn't been around for millennia, what maintains the vehicles and updates the wifi?
Decent all round effort.
Well done.

Excellent visual writing, but the story went over my head. Interested in an explanation from the author.

Good effort. :)

Great work establishing a weird, surreal environment. I got hooked into it when all kinds of weird objects started floating around the time traveler. The strangeness of it all was refreshing.

The missing digit on the year is a twist, but the future is the future. What does it matter if its 2030 or way beyond that? Why is 2030 good but the surprise date bad? Still, a good sense of dread at the end when the guy is hauled away. High marks for imagination.

This worked for me. Great sense of foreboding, the danger is palpable even if the lures are holographic. I imagine a world where AI and computers have taken over, and I even buy the same technology existing after thousands of years because machines don't really innovate, they improve what already exists. At least that's my take on your world.

I also think the line about winning a star prize is out of character, better to keep it straight. Otherwise I like the writing, and the end twist is effective. Well done.

I really liked this. I wish there was a little more to him avoiding the various lures before he eventually gets caught and maybe his smart watch was a little less a snark watch, but this is a good idea executed quite well. Good job.

Briefly mis-read the title as Lube... that would have been a very different story I guess ;-)

So I liked the setup, but if we are to believe that Deion is the first time traveler, implied by the unbelievers line, then he doesn't come across as smart enough.

The idea of the lures is interesting, but what purpose do they serve?

Decently written.

This was interesting. Some of the action is awkward: "Deion becomes aware of objects floating in the water."

I liked the ending. The concept of a human being some kind of trophy in the distant future is intriguing, didn't quite pull it all together though IMO.

Thanks so much for the feedback. As always these comments will shape the final draft!

First thing I'm doing is changing it from a cop car! What was I thinking having a black man get into the back of a police vehicle? Obviously, I wasn't. Too focused on trying to be diverse and failing.

Lure is about a crackpot inventor (aren't they all) who invents a means to travel forward in time, just with no way to get back. To prove his invention to the people like myself who refer to him as a crackpot, he travels a few years into the future.

Unbeknown to him, he's travelled into the mega distant future where humans are extinct and nature has evolved but is just as primal. Creatures can generate holographic images combined with telepathy to create lures to tempt their prey.

Artificial intelligence became sentient but are all dormant. This changes when Deion arrives and his smartwatch attempts to connect to WiFi. An AI rouses and detects the anomaly. It reactivates ancient wireless networks, connects to the Smartwatch and upgrades its software. That's the easy part, the trick then is to recall and relearn how to communicate with a human being.

Its curiosity had been aroused for the first time in millennia. It wants to find out where the human came from, study, experiment and preserve such a rare specimen. To do so, it must guide him away from the creatures and around the lures, while creating a perfect lure of its own.

Lure was my favourite of the bunch, nice work

Cheers, Matthew.

I've uploaded a new version based on all the feedback. Thanks to everyone for the suggestions.