Sins & Souls by Bad One - A guy minding his own business is interrupted by a stranger.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part. Short, Crime.

First - a few nitty comments:

Quoted Text The commotion is very light.

Odd phrasing – commotion is or isn’t. Like saying the chaos is very calm.

And this:

Quoted Text On a bench sits RAY(20s), casually-dressed and fit as an athlete.

Reads better as:

RAY (20s),  casually-dressed, fit as an athlete, sits on a bench.

I think this:

Quoted Text JOE You hurt him real bad.

Needs to be Joe (O.S).

Okay - the story - I liked the build-up and the mystery of what was going on with Joe - the typical sinister character lurking.  So you had me very interested.

The ending didn't quite land for me. Straight out revenge punishment. So, for me - a pretty good first three pages - needed something different in the end.

Hm, I like the potential here with this showdown between these two secret operatives (I think that's what they are?). I'd rather it be more of the a back and forth power struggle where there's twists and turns. As written, it's a straight up revenge killing.

It's like the revenge squad from Minding the Gap!

I liked the concept. If I'm correct, it's like if it was a revenge story on a vigilante. Like if Paul Kersey was taken to task.

If that's the case, I would've liked to see a little fight from the vigilante who was tough enough to cut his mugger's fingers off.  But in any case, an interesting idea that I wish were just a little clearer. Good job!

The writing is off, here. There's odd phrasing in the both the dialogue and the description.

And I'm not really sure about the payoff. Just kinda fell flat. The dude was getting mugged and he cut a guys finger off. And now the guy's friends are coming after Ray? I don't know. Something felt like it was missing.

-- Michael

Well written action, and good dialogue, but Ray elicits no sympathy from the audience because we know nothing about him. What if, on the phone, he's looking at pictures of his family? As for Joe, he goes from an ordinary thug trying to teach a lesson, to a monster without remorse. Every character, no matter how heinous he or she may be, should have one redeeming quality.

Oh, boy. That first page set-up seemed like it was going a different direction and I'm glad it turned. Definitely some odd phrasing but I got the message. I had to check to make sure the reveal wasn't going to be a comedy in a public bathroom instead of thriller at a train station.

Needs some cleanup and a little more payoff at the end. Good work, writer.

A commotion is usually quite a disturbance.
You have the opposite.

I really enjoyed the quietly sinister atmosphere.
Perhaps use the train station more too - travel usually equals needing to get somewhere by a certain time - ticking clock etc.

Nice work. Just give it a bit more, imho.

Could have been more effective to land the ending since its pretty much a straight forward revenge story. Good luck.

Checks the parameters but it needs more of a structured approach to land with any weight.  Joe’s goal is to beat Ray but what are the stakes?  What’s the payoff?  As written, there’s too little to connect us to either character or their situation to come together as a satisfying whole.  A little too surface level for me.

Straight forward revenge story but the writing is a bit sloppy to be honest. But you still managed to get an entry in so well done.

Writer,

I hung in with this, and your set up wasn't bad at all. But more backstory regarding the situation would have benefitted the story. You clicked the boxes, but not much else in regards to plot, meaning the who and the why. A decent story, but it felt empty without the background.

Steve

As I didn't know anything about these two, it was hard to connect or care about either. Sill, killing someone for defending himself in a mugging seems harsh.

I wasn't quite sure what was going on at the end with the two other guys, him placing the finger on the rail track and then counting some money?

Hello Writer

Writing and descriptions can be improved a lot, the dialogue also felt a bit basic.

Not really sure what the story was about, I think it needs a bit more context to pull us into it. I didn't feel anything for either character.

What was the relevance of the other two men? and of showing the time?  Showing the time implied some kind of deadline, but I didn't spot one other than a train was coming but I did not know whether it was important he caught it or not

Anyway, best of luck

Not sure what a light commotion is, wrong word choice?

For me there's too many unanswered questions to really engage with the story, who's finger, why were the men sent after him, who are the other two men at the station, why all that complicated stuff about the finger if he was just gonna snap his neck, all for just a simple mugging?

Think this needs some clarity brought, and the stakes increasing.

I liked the point in the conversation where the normal chit-chat turns weird. Joe mentions that someone was hurt bad, and Ray seems confused. Things get serious really fast. Joe pulls out the finger. This is good.

The chit-chat at the beginning got a little long. I didn't quite understand the line "He was meant to." The hitman/bad guy conclusion feels somewhat routine. What if Ray was the wrong guy and Joe started making these strange accusations?

So basically he defended himself from an attack. Cut off the guy's finger and then lost his life because he defended himself from a previous encounter !!! I think

A little revenge story that seemed to lack a story .

Not for me sorry

Hi writer,

Some awkward writing and really OTN dialogue and not natural at all.

Not entirely sure I got it, might need the writer to weigh in later.

This needs a lot of work all round, good job getting an entry in.

All the best.

Writing is okay. This one feels like part of a larger script though.

I like the tone, even Ray's occasionally odd phrasing might be an accent I can't place. But I'm not sure I understand what actually happened here. Joe is really casual with a severed finger that might have been re-attachable.

A couple notes about formatting: Casually-dressed and athletic would have saved you an orphan. Also , type out numbers in dialog so that the actor knows how to say them. "Fifteen" versus "one-five" is pretty obvious, but other times it's not clear and could make a difference in meaning.

Good effort!

Hey writer,

Lots of white space on the page which I liked. Nice simple story. Didn't beat around the bush. Refreshingly straightforward even. Just needs polishing up though as some of the action/dialogue is a bit clunky at times.

Well done though and good luck

A decent effort. I found the writing wonky, especially the dialogue which was odd, almost like they couldn't speak English quite that well but your action lines are written better so there was some confusion there.

The ending was just going through the motions for me, no real payoff.

I think this needs a bigger payoff. As is, for me, it feels like a scene from something bigger. Like the guys get on the train and after that the big thing happens.

Writing is a tad awkward but that tends to happen in a timed challenge.

Maybe expand this a bit.

Thanks a lot everyone for reading and commenting.