Sister-Hood by No Name - Sometimes family reunification can turn out wrong.  Short, Drama

So I liked how this began. I was really into the first half. But second half it turned kind of daytime drama-ish . Lots of exposition.

The idea is good, although not new. Estranged or secret sibling shows up and wants part of the fortune. For me it was such a drastic act Susan committed, I needed to see she had it in her personality to do that.

This was a tough challenge and I think you chose a story that needed some backstory, but in only 6 pages that's hard to do.

Writing was good. A couple mistakes but nothing that slowed me down.

Still, good effort!

A decent police procedural, with the past and present scenes logically presented. The only problem I have with the script is with Susan's attitude. She's apparently a psychology professor, yet she goes out of her way to antagonize a detective who's going to react badly to having her questions arbitrarily dismissed. It's like she's begging Detective Molina to double down in her effort to pin the murder on her. What, did she buy her professorship at SC?

Very well written. Time shifting wasn't shoehorned in, felt natural, necessary. I liked the set-up and pretty much everything until the ending didn't quite pack enough of a punch.

Gonna throw this out there - no idea if this really makes sense - what if you don't show the murder. Susan goes to kill Amelia but the scene ends before we see her die. At the end, turns out Amelia got the upper hand, killed Susan, and took her place. So we've been following Amelia this whole time. She'd have to look very similar to the sister for that to be plausible... and even then I'm not sure it is...

But some final twist is all this needs imo. Great work overall.

Another good one.

The story itself isn't all that fresh. But, you told it well.

BTW, it's not in the story... but, Susan killed her parents, right?

A story with a twist. The writing was a breeze to read. Although a very basic level crime story, it was a fun read.

Good luck.

This is well written. The pace is a little off in places but it does flow easily enough. Dialogue is fairly good. Visual elements used effectively.

The hook at the beginning is solid. It could have been better, like if we'd seen the photo of the sister first and it's unmistakable, but she denies having a sister. That would have sunk the hook in even harder.

I think the reveal about the will comes too soon. That's a great button to put on this, the motive for it should have come at the end. Instead it's crystal clear what happened only halfway through and we just have to watch it play out.

You missed a word at the end (buries her face in her--). Not a big deal, but I do wonder what was missed.

Nice job.

Writer,

structure is great, I never was lost or confused. A quick read. The subject matter is a bit melodramatic for me though. I think we needed a little more into Susan's character, but it is a short after all, so maybe this can be expanded upon? Not much to add to what the others have commented on. Nice job!

I thought this read well and had some nice touches, but towards the end it was moving into CSI type territory.

I like CSI though (well not Miami, obvs) so all good!

The Sisterhood of the Traveling… Genes, lol.

Pants = jeans = genes… no? I tried.

Ah yes… the bastard sibling returns to wreak havoc, and demand their worth of the inheritance, even if they’re just a test-tube baby, at least that’s where my thoughts went, unless she was a birthed via surrogate. All good, not really important for a 6 pager.

Anyway, if a 5-foot 3-inch, 300 pound, 40-year-old man can identify as a 6-foot Asian Woman in today’s day and age, then I think I could successfully identify as one of Elvis’ illegitimate kids and ride out the rest of my life living off of my well-deserved inheritance… if Priscilla hasn't already spent it all.

This is tightly woven together to paint a diabolical picture of greed and avarice, by both parties; we already know of Amelia’s fate, only time will tell us what becomes of Susan. Works well for the theme/challenge. Best of luck.

A basic story and it is easy to see where this is going but well written and the experimental narrative suites the style. Psychology didn't seem to help Susan much, I thought she was going to use that psychology to get herself out of the predicament or at least play a cat and mouse game  with the detective but she went with straightforward denial.

I also wonder why Susan teaches when she's so rich?

A few typos here and there, but well-written overall. It was straight forward on the most part and somewhat predictable, but it didn't really hurt the story much. My only beef was that every time you used the TWO MONTHS EARLIER super, it confused me. Had me thinking we were going further and further back (two months at a time). Of course I realized that that wasn't the case, but I think you could do without TWO MONTHS EARLIER on screen every time we flash back. You could just write FLASHBACK in the scene heading or however you would write a flashback scene (people do it differently). Also, what did Susan being a professor have to do with anything? And what was the significance of the psychology aspect? It didn't really seem like the detective was playing psychological trickery with Susan. Anyway, other than that, I liked it. Very solid.

-- Michael

Nicely written story, easily followed and fits the parameters of the challenge. Some of the dialogue is expositional but to be fair to you to squeeze that amount of story into six pages is tough.
Well done

Well written, but I don't really know 23 and me very well. Would Susan's DNA be out there if she never submitted it to the company? I was just a little confused by the whole DNA thing. Is it some website where people are willingly giving their DNA which could be later used by police? Wealthy Susan doesn't seem the type to use this. But as I mentioned, I am confused by that aspect anyway.

This does seem like the last scene in a bigger story though. Like we need to see Susan try and get away with something beforehand or see other suspects. As it stands, it's like she's accused of a crime, next thing you know, she did it.

But it was really easy to follow story-wise and was really well written. Nice work!

Relatively straightforward story for this competition. I think Susan would probably need to take a wild swing to crush a skull, but otherwise seems as plausible as anything on a police procedural.

There are some rough bits that will buff out in a re-write, such as a colon after re and a missing word in the last action block, but good for a first draft.

Great effort!

Hello writer

Well, I just learned what a door jamb is lol strange that I've never heard that before.

Quoted Text Susan raises her wine glass in a toast motion. SUSAN To sisters.

Sinister, I like it.

Quoted Text Oh, yeah - Twenty Three and Me. The FBI can run matches against their database. It�s in the terms and conditions. You didn�t know that?

This actually piqued my interest and whether these private DNA companies are obliged to let law enforcement access their records. Quite interesting.

Anyway, 23andme seem very adverse to Law Enforcement accessing their records without being forced to by law (even then they say they will fight it).
Since this is a real company, if this was filmed I don't think they would like this accusation much lol plus it's not accurate.
Reading about the moral and legal conundrum regarding these DNA companies was interesting though.



A well written and fairly interesting story. The ending fizzled a bit, we already knew she was guilty, the ending being the implication she has now probably been caught, but I pretty much thought that to be the case earlier.

Honestly, I would explore the DNA being locked behind a private company angle and the conflict that can cause, there's probably a great twist in there, maybe a legal loophole to put that final nail in the guilty coffin.

Nice work

This was well-crafted and started off with a nice hook. I felt kind of let down in the end as there were no loose ends. I like loose ends. I'm in the boat with leaving us wonder if maybe Susan was killed and Amelia took her place. Also a bit more to lead on that Susan killed her parents. IDK. Regardless, good work here.

Nicely done, albeit familiar police procedural territory that all feels a bit too easy to unravel.

A couple of minors but otherwise well written.  Narrative structure jumps around a bit but it’s fairly easy to follow as all the pieces pull into place and it suits the genre.

Not really sure who’s story it is?  Molina seems the obvious choice but there’s not much to her outside of her by-the-numbers approach.  Susan doesn’t seem all that bright for someone of her status.  Think she’d know enough to try to cover her tracks.

Not bad, just all a bit too convenient and not quite enough mystery/suspense to get my teeth into.  A tricky genre for 6-pages so kudos for trying something different.

Well told story, even if it's not the most original. The structure seemed pretty natural to me, no issues following along. So good job there.

Writing itself is very good. Spotted a few typos throughout, but no biggie. :)

I actually really like this one. Great work. ;D