North of the Cenotaph by Léo Major - A WW2 Vet revisits his former life and time in the war.  Short, Drama, War

There were some good visuals here but the writing was pretty rough. Maybe rushed? I hope that's the case because it was filled with typo's and punctuation issues.

How do we know it's Saturday? And "this may be the last time they see each other"...you actually did a good job conveying that so telling us is unnecessary.

You need some different descriptions. You say "Grayson's face fills with fear" 2 times and also say it for Lily. And a lot of eyes fill with tears.

The story itself was okay. You had me hooked enough that I certainly didn't want Lily and Timmy to die. But it moved along pretty slow. Some better descriptions and tighter writing might help give it a boost.

Keep working on it!!

Nice job on putting a twist on the typical WW2 story: the woman at home dying for the cause instead of the man on the front. I hadn't seen that before.

That said, the writing was fairly rough. Definitely needs a cleanup for typos, unfilmables, etc. First sentence out of the gate: A beautiful Saturday. How do we know, and why is it important?

But, overall, I enjoyed the script. A couple of more passes and you'll have a real nice script to share.

Man – a surprising number of military-themed stories.

Well,  someone has a thing for Geena Davis – I don’t blame you.

Okay - meets the parameters - a complete story.  It moved a little slow for me in spots - but you are covering a lot of time.

Nice job methinks.

Though the flashback story is bookended by by scenes set in the "present," the script is mostly linear, which is in contradiction to the parameters of the challenge. Still it is a nice story.

And whatever happened to Timmy? Grayson, at the end, is surrounded by family, but I think Timmy should've been singled out, the way he was in the main story.

I thought the same thing as above about Timmy. Probably out partying!

I was also surprised that it seemed very linear. I wasn't expecting a Billy Pilgrim type jumping around, but it seemed like it told a linear narrative, just skipping ahead in time a bit. It's kind of like calling Saving Private Ryan non-linear storytelling because of the bookends.

Still, I like the idea of honoring the women who died in the war, and this could easily be expanded into a bigger story that doesn't have to worry about the contest's rules and can bring more life to the characters. Nice job.

I read this as mostly just an extended flashback rather than truly non-linear.

Though I did like the narrative and the twist.

Purely personal opinion, but to say someone has a Geena Davis smile when describing someone in the 1930s felt odd to me, unless there's another Geena Davis.

Anyway, decent effort.

Not a huge fan of war epics, but the fact you scripted a war epic into 5 pages is a good indication of your ability to manage an 8x11.5 inch page of real estate.

Except for the opening scene, the story is very one-dimensional, and time is forward throughout the succession of slugs. Experimental narratives are just that though, how to do it with a bit of zest. There was a prospect of ‘book ends’ being scripted here with the off-screen voice which prompted Grayson’s flashback, but we never did find from where that voice came from in the end, when we returned to St. James Park in 2006 that is, unless I read that wrong, then that's on me.

That being said, it’s very well written, and even though WWII is well before my years, it still had an old time nostalgic feel tucked somewhere within. Best of luck.

Lots of faces filling with fear, anticipation and a fair few typos. Fixing these could make this a smoother read, as it was I drifted off a few times.

Seemed to me more like one flashback rather than an experimental narrative and very much in the style of Saving Private Ryan but a decent war story and I do like how you showed the split between the battle on the front and the battle back at home with an unexpected casualty.

Very reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan. Without much dialogue, it would be a five minute flashback montage. Nice little story of the war back home during WWII. Good stuff, writer.

Noticing a good amount of war stories. Not necessarily my cup of tea nor the most marketable genre, but this was well written on the most part (with the exception of some missing punctuation). And this was actually quite moving. With next to no dialogue, I loved the characters, which is a hell of an accomplishment. Though I'm not sure if it's experimental with its time jumping -- it's pretty straight forward, bookended by present day opening and ending (ala Saving Private Ryan). The stuff in between almost felt like the opening in "Up" a bit, which is a good thing.

Very solid work, here.

-- Michael

Hello writer

Not to be a pedant or anything, but the CORB evacuations happened in 1940 (They were abandoned after one of the boats was sunk by a German U-boat killing almost all of the children onboard... hey, maybe that's what happened to poor Timmy)
Timmy is also only 3, the eligible age for the CORB evacuations was 5-15... Ok, now I really am being a pedant lol (The Churchill speech you used was also delivered in 1940, Churchills first radio speech as Prime Minister  ;D )

(Better to have used operation Pied Piper instead which moved kids from urban to rural locations - EDIT: this would work better both symbolically and budget-wise as you can have Lilly seeing Timmy off at the same train station she saw her husband off from)


This had a lot of heart in it, and I really enjoyed the highlight on life in the UK and those who remained during WW2, a fresh approach. The writing flowed well and I was pulled in.

The bookends didn't really tie together though, who was the voice at the beginning saying excuse me? We never learn of Timmy's fate (he is surrounded by family, did he start a new one? are these Timmy's kids)

Quoted Text EXT. LONDON, ST JAMES PARK - 2006 Grayson arm and arm with his family head down the path and over the horizon, a big beautiful sky. EXT. LONDON, ST JAMES PARK - 1940 Grayson and Lily sit on blanket admiring the sunset, a baby carriage rests beside them, what a view.

I did like the two above contrasting images though


This would be expensive for a short so not sure if it's worth going over after the challenge, but I would watch a feature based around Lilly's trials and tribulations.

A nice effort and a nice take on things, even if the non-linear was not used to it's full potential.

All the best

I liked the minimalist dialogue here and the visuals which would be stunning if filmed but as said above this felt rushed and unchecked. In 1939 Lily has a baby bump and by 1941 Timmy is already three. Did they adopt? I also would liked to have seen a reunion between Grayson and Timmy just to give a more rounded ending. Enjoyable but needing tidied up.
Well done.

Viewers can't see the sluglines, so you'd need some indication of the year so audiences don't get lost. SUPER would work, or a calendar in frame each time a new era is entered. Curious what the significance of 2006 might be.

Nice reversal of the notification scene.

Some typos here and there, and a number of orphans wasted some space (though in this case you weren't in danger of going past the page limit). War and orphans go together thematically, but this kind of orphan is a paragraph ending with a single word on the last line. Should be easy to tighten up (or expand to use more of that line).

This was structured clearly enough that I could follow the story, but the writing is a little literary (try to focus on what can be seen and heard). A little unfilamble material is fine so long as it helps the actors or casting folks understand the characters, but stuff like "a time long past, a former life" doesn't affect anything on-screen.

This particular story did not benefit from the nonlinear format... we know right away who's going to buy the farm. It would be difficult to hide which Smith is attending the memorial, perhaps by focusing on grandchildren, but that would maintain the tension as Grayson and Lily are put into dangerous situations.

Good effort!

I can't really add much to what Matthew said.  ;D

Nice period atmosphere. I found it jumped around quite a bit so that I wasn't really sure whose main story it was. I was expecting more as advertised with the logline, but found myself gravitating towards what was happening at home with Lily. Nice angle there.

I think the main thing here is how much you got into such a short page count. It's a big story.
Needs a good edit, but enjoyable all the same.

How would we know it’s a Saturday?  Is it important?

Might have been an idea to bring Timmy back into it. Feels like a loose end and a fairly bleak one at that.  Maybe it was implied with the surrounding family but it still feels conspicuously absent if not brought to the fore.

Got a little sidetracked by FALLING BOMB.  At first I thought it was a mini-slug.  I’m not sure we even need to see it - could be better for the tension if we don’t see the bomb/bombers at all and rather the blast is implied with SFX and the reactions of other characters.

I don’t know, I wanted to like this more but it just seemed a little lacklustre.  Not to disparage the idea; it’s a nice circumventing of convention, but covers a lot of ground for a 5-pager and maybe the timeframe (and writing) could have been tighter for a more focused story.  When the ending came it didn’t land with as much impact as it could have.

This is an entire World War II saga boiled down to five pages. The sacrifices of Grayson and Lilly are devastating, so the story is successful on this level. I feel like this is solid, but not particularly experimental.

I wanted to thank everyone for commenting on this. This was a late entry, but it has been something I've been working on in a different form. I didn't technically have a script for it, just storyboards and an animatic really, built the story as I went. I think this is ok? I didn't cheat I hope lol

One of the things I wanted to address was something that came up a few times and that was the O.S. dialogue "Excuse me" that happens.  It was Lily who says this, but in the past. I was trying to do like a segway into the past sequence, maybe this wasn't executed on the page properly and would there be a way to right this to really make it clear what I was trying to do? It makes more sense in the animatic.

Special Thanks to Matthew Taylor, I did do some research into it but your feedback on historical accuracy is invaluable so thanks man.

I can post the Animatic here if anyone wants to see it?

Quoted from Lono One of the things I wanted to address was something that came up a few times and that was the O.S. dialogue "Excuse me" that happens.  It was Lily who says this, but in the past. I was trying to do like a segway into the past sequence, maybe this wasn't executed on the page properly and would there be a way to right this to really make it clear what I was trying to do? It makes more sense in the animatic.

If you are showing dialogue from the next scene before the previous scene finishes then you can use PRE-LAP. I would also change the name from WOMAN to LILY to make it clear.

Nice heartfelt script you have though. (and please double check my historical corrections lol)

Quoted from Matthew Taylor If you are showing dialogue from the next scene before the previous scene finishes then you can use PRE-LAP. I would also change the name from WOMAN to LILY to make it clear. Nice heartfelt script you have though. (and please double check my historical corrections lol)

Thank you Matthew. I did double check your corrections and you were right, I just had to move around the times in the slugs so it works out, added the prelap on the first page and Timmy at the end. I think I envisioned it as he was already there, but since this was all just storyboards and no script I didn't really think it out as an on the page. This is going to be an animated short. I have it all worked out in the animatic, just have to find the time and money to put towards it!

Thanks again! Fan of your work man :)