P.D. by Doesn't Matter - It's tough to be a private detective, right?  Short, Comedy, Mockumentary

This is the second one now that doesn't feel like a documentary/mockumentary to me. It's a comedy, so you got that right, but it feels more like a regular short about documentary film school students doing a piece on a PD. You got the comedy in here for sure, Mockumentaries should be satire, if I'm not mistaken and IMO, that was missing here.

Started out with too much talking heads. Easily fixed by adding some visuals to go with the dialogue. This got better as the script moved along.

I think you did a good job, just slightly missed the mockumentary feel, IMHO.

Had a tough time getting the humor in this. Just couldn't get into it. Didn't understand what was being mocked.

Hmmm, well I think some of the humour here could be ramped up and used more effectively.

And I think there's some I just didn't really get, e.g. them not taking the elevator, the cheesecake.

But it did try showcase the mockumentary element with the Interviewer and following them round.

It has a nice light and easy read feel to it which is good, but the humour fell flat for me. Maybe I just didn't get it, but other than a dopey assistant I didn't find it very funny I'm afraid.

Good luck

I think this one was trying really hard to show the banality of life as a detective and that it's not the exciting stuff you see on TV, which is disappointing to the interviewers.  So that I get.  I think adding in the repairman to come in for things that didn't need fixing, or taking the stairs when the elevator worked just fine, doesn't really add anything.

The humor was light and maybe a tad forced in places.  And I think this felt more like an interview session than a mockumentary, but that could be easily address.  For example, rather than Matthew talking about the cases for so long, start him out trailing the girl in the yellow jacket, e.g., and doing a V.O., as he follows her from food truck to food truck.  Then Matthew doesn't appear to be a "talking head", so to speak, and gets you more in the mockumentary feel.  And while you are showing him in the boring investigative work, that doesn't mean it doesn't have to have things go wrong or a lot of humor involved.  Parks and Recreation and The Office showed you can be in a boring job situation but still milk the situations for a lot of laughs.

Best of luck with this.

Very dry and a bit confusing for me. The quick cut-to shots didn't really add anything and if the detective is telling the interviewer the stories, how did they have film footage? Reenactments?

I didn't get the elevator scene either. And what was up with the repairmen, too? I see this more as an expose' on a day in the life than a mockumentary.

Ahoy writer

Hmmm...I do think it’s a mockumentary, but only done in the style of a documentary -- maybe the humor is just too subtle for some folks. The only thing I wish would have been different is poking satirical mock fun at the situations. Not bad by any means. Best of Irish luck! :)

I could see what you were aiming for with this.

They're both totally incompetent at what they do. Bit of a keystone cop vibe happening.

Anthony Perkins?
A few odd turns of phrase that can be fixed after the challenge.

Example:
hit and trial
hit and miss.
Or: trial and error.

I found the characters quite amusing and the absurdity of the scenarios entertaining. I think perhaps milk the situations for a few more laughs, but not a bad effort. I like the idea here.

Hi writer,

I think the idea behind this one is probably better than the overall execution.

You met the challenge for me but the writing needs some work and some of the dialogue came off quite unnatural and OTN.

I can see the attempts at humour but they don't really land for me, sorry.

Definitely worth working on after the challenge as I think this could be great with some tweaking.

All the best.

Hello,

I enjoyed this detective stories. Especially the one about the wife sleepwalking.

It was easy to understand.

Could be more about the detective, but you chose a quiet not over-the-top crazy route.

Thinking it's lacking something at the end, like you had to give us some of the detective story as well.

Still, it had a lot of texture, nice job

So, is the title P.D. or R.F.? I'm confused.

I think there is a solid idea here, but this one could definitely use a little fixing up. The writing isn't awful, just a little sloppy here and there. Perhaps a time crunch issue?

Humor is a miss for me. :( Comedy is subjective, so take that with a grain of salt. I do think you got the mockumentary part down. :)

Solid effort. :)

"kind of odd seeing him do a desk job"....odd description.

"fellas"? Interviewer is a female voice. Or is that supposed to show he's chauvinistic?

Some good here but a little bogged down by too many stories from Matthew. Maybe shorten it a bit. And I think the cheesecake thing needs some set up...like maybe Matthew is supposed to pay for lunch for crew and Anthony, but he's cheap so free cheesecake ends up being their lunch. Just a thought...to tie it into something.

Nice effort, just needs a little work.

I'll be honest, I'm a little confused on this one. If I'm understanding it correctly, an interviewer wants juicy details from cops, but the cops have no juicy details, keep getting side-tracked and have incredibly boring (by design) cases? I wanted to get into this one, but I couldn't. I can say it was mostly well-written but while some I've read could've used their full 10 pages for maximum effect, yours would have benefited from a trim, in my opinion. Best of luck.

Writer,

Nice attempt and the writing seemed fine, saw everything you wanted me to see. The issue here is the story itself. It doesn’t really hold too much interest. Yes, cute in places, but nothing that’s laugh out loud funny. I think I’d you had focused on one story, say the lost dog, you could have built off that, and made that one story line more interesting and funny and creative. Forget the water cooler and the blinds and the sleepwalker — it was all a bit too much.

Steve

Optioned. Let's see where this goes.

Congrats, Dude. Good luck with it. :)

Ooh, very exciting.
Congrats, Yuvraj!

Thank you, amigos!

Awesome! Glad to see a script optioned from this challenge, good luck with it.

Nice! Good job there.

Thanks, Warren and Steve.

Unfortunately, the project fell through.

The reason they gave was that their first original director for the project stepped down due to medical issues and the second one had a lot on hand with other projects.

Somehow, I knew that the project won't be made. Maybe because the script isn't that low-budget. The first time that they contacted me, I was surprised that they chose this script when they said that they were on a limited budget.

Anyhow, hope that the director recovers and they can successfully complete the other projects that they intend to.

Quoted from Yuvraj Unfortunately, the project fell through. The reason they gave was that their first original director for the project stepped down due to medical issues and the second one had a lot on hand with other projects. Somehow, I knew that the project won't be made. Maybe because the script isn't that low-budget. The first time that they contacted me, I was surprised that they chose this script when they said that they were on a limited budget. Anyhow, hope that the director recovers and they can successfully complete the other projects that they intend to.

Par for the course, unfortunately. Here’s to bigger and better!

Quoted from SAC Par for the course, unfortunately. Here’s to bigger and better!

An unfortunate reality 99% of the time.

Quoted from Yuvraj Unfortunately, the project fell through. The reason they gave was that their first original director for the project stepped down due to medical issues and the second one had a lot on hand with other projects. Somehow, I knew that the project won't be made. Maybe because the script isn't that low-budget. The first time that they contacted me, I was surprised that they chose this script when they said that they were on a limited budget. Anyhow, hope that the director recovers and they can successfully complete the other projects that they intend to.

Sorry to hear it, but definitely happens more often than not.

Quoted from Yuvraj An unfortunate reality 99% of the time.

Indeed. All of my optioned short scripts have failed to make it to completed released movies so far for numerous reasons which is why I insist on getting payment for options so I have something to show for all that effort.

Sorry to hear it didn't workout. Like others have said though, it's quite common. It doesn't mean the "filmmakers" are insincere or clueless. We all have to start somewhere. A lot goes into making a movie, even if just a short. It gets even harder if you don't have your own equipment and technical skills, so you have to rely on others. The more people you have to involve, the harder it gets to see the project through. I've made a few shorts and it's hard work for something only a few hundred people will see. Sometimes a few thousand, but I think you know what I mean.

Keep writing and someone will bite. People do come to SS for scripts. I had Call On Me and Buried Secrets optioned a couple of weeks ago. I don't expect to actually see them made. If it happens, great, if not, oh well.  :)

Thanks, Warren, Pia, and Mark, for sharing your thoughts.

Nothing's gonna stop me from writing. It comes naturally to me in a way. A perpetual fun that I get when I write a story and get the chance to write about a world that I want to see, characters that I want to create. It's pure happiness for me. Everything else fails in front of it.

Anyways, hope that the filmmakers succeed in their other ventures.