Wrath by Alfredo Bravo de Rueda - Short, Drama, Horror - A traumatized veteran destroys what he loves the most and, with that, all hope to find happiness in this life. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hmmm. I wonder if Don missed this somehow. "Write a 10 or less page properly formatted script on the theme of Love and a Sin of your choice."

I don't really think the format is correct here...  :-/

Congrats on getting an entry in, Writer.

Unfortunately, I don't believe many are going to be able to make it through this one. The format is... Well, it's not good. I will say that I dig the dark tone of the story. :)

Please don't be discouraged, we all start somewhere. My best advice to you would be to read as many professional screenplays as you can and study them.

And no matter what... Keep writing! :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hmmm. I wonder if Don missed this somehow. "Write a 10 or less page properly formatted script on the theme of Love and a Sin of your choice." I don't really think the format is correct here...  :-/

Upon occasion, we have an enthusiastic entrant and I'm willing to overlook the strictures of formatting in the hope that the larger community can offer constructive advice to encourage them to keep writing albeit in more generally accepted format.

- Don

Writer:

Check out the other entries to see how to format script and I don't mean that distastefully.

There are plenty of software options out there to help format properly.

Sadly your script comes out as large blocks of writing, which can be a turnoff for readers and thus takes away from the story you're trying to put out.

Good luck

Writer - not at all the correct format - but you'll get there. Here is an example of how your opening scene should be formatted:

FADE IN:

INT. ABU GHRAIB PRISON - INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT BIT

A single light bulb hangs from the ceiling and hovers over --

A MALE PRISONER (25).  His wrists and ankles handcuffed to the frame of a chair.
His lip is split and swollen, eyes blackened - facial skin purple with fresh bruises. Blood stains dot his shirt.

SUPER: 2004

An INTERROGATOR (30), husky and muscular approaches. He raises his meaty hand and SLAPS the Prisoner on the face.

Again and again.

The Prisoner passes out.

The Interrogator douses him with water from a nearby bucket.

JOHN
I don’t have the whole day, Ali
Baba. Where the fuck’s Mustafa AlJabbar? Where!?


Check out other scripts - you'll get it.

Alfredo,

Good job! There's a lot of emotion going on in this story, and like Zack said, I too enjoyed the dark tone. Some of the images evoked are terrific.

Things need formatting to Industry Standard for ease of reading.
This means for example, margins, spacing, and some of those all caps need to go.

You need screenwriting software - it'll make writing to format a breeze.
And some tips with setup. We've all had to learn this stuff.

These links should help.
https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/free-screenwriting-software/

https://youtu.be/_2uZ7IabVOM

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/what-is-a-screenplay-formatting-tips-and-tricks#what-does-the-screenwriting-rule-show-dont-tell-mean

Your Example:

FADE  IN... 1.  CUTS  TO:  INT.,  NIGHT.  ABU  GHRAIB,  2004.  A  BIT  BLURRY.  A  OBSCURE INTERROGATION   ROOM  LIGHTED  BY  ONE  LIGHT  BULB  HANGING  OVER  THE PRISONER,  WHOSE  ANKLES  AND WRISTS  HAVE BEEN  HANDCUFFED  TO  A  CHAIR  AND WHOSE  FACE SHOWS  BLUISH  INFLAMMATION,  A  SPLIT  LIP AND  SWOLLEN  EYES  AS WELL  AS  SOME  BLOOD  OVER  HIS  SHIRT.  ONE  OF  THE  INTERROGATORS,  ANGRY, SLAPS  HIM  BRUTALLY  AS  HE  SEEMS  TO  BE  LOSING  CONSCIOUSNESS.  THE PRISONER  PASSES  OUT  AND  THE  INTERROGATOR  THROWS  HIM  A  BUCKET  OF WATER.  A  BLACK  BELGIAN SHEPHERD, SAT  AT  THE SIDE  OF  THE  INTERROGATOR, FOLLOWS  THE  PRISONER’S STRUGGLE  WITH  ATTENTION.

Suggest something like:

FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

Dimly lit, except for a single light bulb that swings back and forth, blinding the eyes of -

JOHN, late 20s, arms and legs handcuffed to a chair. He struggles to remain upright, slumps forward over the desk. His face is a bruised and battered mess, split lip, one eye swollen shut, blood stained shirt.

SUPERIMPOSE: IRAQ - ABU GRAIB PRISON - 2004

Ah, I see Dave offered suggestions. I'll stop there.

Thank you for entering the challenge! I hope you'll read and critique the other entries.
And I hope you'll join the community of writers here at Simply Scripts.

I appreciate the raw emotion of this script. It does not hold back. John's frustrations are evident. Keep working on this one.

Fortunately the formatting of a script is a relatively easy skill to learn, if not master, so reasd the other scripts here to pick up on how to write in the correct format... just makes it easier for people to read the next time.

Looks like the bones of something interesting

Script format is off. Too much exposition in the dialogue. The structures is not right. You revealed to us that he is delusional way before you should have. Or you could say the dialogue he imagined with Cindy afterward lingered for too long. By that time, you just had a room for a punchline. One short, powerful punchline to wrap up your story after the black screen was revealed to us. I wouldn't say it wasn't such an emotional moment but still played out for way too long.

Another thing, John seem to be a bit of racist beside his anger management issues, how are we supposed to overlook that and root for him? Fix that too, maybe he's only racist when he's angry. Also, he threatened to rape a 9 years old girl. The way you portrayed him make him irredeemable

Best of luck.

Hello writer, you paint a very raw and terrifying picture, your dialogue is really brutal in the sense of capturing the uncaring and unfeeling way people may talk in these types of situations, so props on that.

The formatting is way off, I think you would benefit from reading others screenplays. Your dialogue seems to run on at times and is hard to get through.

I think what you need to do is condense some of the scenes and just say what is necessary to advance the plot, keep in mind each scene and what you need to happen in that scene and try and be more economical with your writing.

Good job on entering, I think the hardest thing for a writer is completing an actual story and you've done that, so keep going, because it takes practice and i think you'll get there.

-cheers