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Wrath by Alfredo Bravo de Rueda - Short, Drama, Horror - A traumatized veteran destroys what he loves the most and, with that, all hope to find happiness in this life. - pdf format
Unfortunately, I don't believe many are going to be able to make it through this one. The format is... Well, it's not good. I will say that I dig the dark tone of the story.
Please don't be discouraged, we all start somewhere. My best advice to you would be to read as many professional screenplays as you can and study them.
Hmmm. I wonder if Don missed this somehow. "Write a 10 or less page properly formatted script on the theme of Love and a Sin of your choice."
I don't really think the format is correct here...
Upon occasion, we have an enthusiastic entrant and I'm willing to overlook the strictures of formatting in the hope that the larger community can offer constructive advice to encourage them to keep writing albeit in more generally accepted format.
Check out the other entries to see how to format script and I don't mean that distastefully.
There are plenty of software options out there to help format properly.
Sadly your script comes out as large blocks of writing, which can be a turnoff for readers and thus takes away from the story you're trying to put out.
Writer - not at all the correct format - but you'll get there. Here is an example of how your opening scene should be formatted:
FADE IN:
INT. ABU GHRAIB PRISON - INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT BIT
A single light bulb hangs from the ceiling and hovers over --
A MALE PRISONER (25). His wrists and ankles handcuffed to the frame of a chair. His lip is split and swollen, eyes blackened - facial skin purple with fresh bruises. Blood stains dot his shirt.
SUPER: 2004
An INTERROGATOR (30), husky and muscular approaches. He raises his meaty hand and SLAPS the Prisoner on the face.
Again and again.
The Prisoner passes out.
The Interrogator douses him with water from a nearby bucket.
JOHN I don’t have the whole day, Ali Baba. Where the fuck’s Mustafa AlJabbar? Where!?
FADE IN... 1. CUTS TO: INT., NIGHT. ABU GHRAIB, 2004. A BIT BLURRY. A OBSCURE INTERROGATION ROOM LIGHTED BY ONE LIGHT BULB HANGING OVER THE PRISONER, WHOSE ANKLES AND WRISTS HAVE BEEN HANDCUFFED TO A CHAIR AND WHOSE FACE SHOWS BLUISH INFLAMMATION, A SPLIT LIP AND SWOLLEN EYES AS WELL AS SOME BLOOD OVER HIS SHIRT. ONE OF THE INTERROGATORS, ANGRY, SLAPS HIM BRUTALLY AS HE SEEMS TO BE LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS. THE PRISONER PASSES OUT AND THE INTERROGATOR THROWS HIM A BUCKET OF WATER. A BLACK BELGIAN SHEPHERD, SAT AT THE SIDE OF THE INTERROGATOR, FOLLOWS THE PRISONER’S STRUGGLE WITH ATTENTION.
Suggest something like:
FADE IN:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT
Dimly lit, except for a single light bulb that swings back and forth, blinding the eyes of -
JOHN, late 20s, arms and legs handcuffed to a chair. He struggles to remain upright, slumps forward over the desk. His face is a bruised and battered mess, split lip, one eye swollen shut, blood stained shirt.
SUPERIMPOSE: IRAQ - ABU GRAIB PRISON - 2004
Ah, I see Dave offered suggestions. I'll stop there.
Thank you for entering the challenge! I hope you'll read and critique the other entries. And I hope you'll join the community of writers here at Simply Scripts.
Fortunately the formatting of a script is a relatively easy skill to learn, if not master, so reasd the other scripts here to pick up on how to write in the correct format... just makes it easier for people to read the next time.
Script format is off. Too much exposition in the dialogue. The structures is not right. You revealed to us that he is delusional way before you should have. Or you could say the dialogue he imagined with Cindy afterward lingered for too long. By that time, you just had a room for a punchline. One short, powerful punchline to wrap up your story after the black screen was revealed to us. I wouldn't say it wasn't such an emotional moment but still played out for way too long.
Another thing, John seem to be a bit of racist beside his anger management issues, how are we supposed to overlook that and root for him? Fix that too, maybe he's only racist when he's angry. Also, he threatened to rape a 9 years old girl. The way you portrayed him make him irredeemable
Hello writer, you paint a very raw and terrifying picture, your dialogue is really brutal in the sense of capturing the uncaring and unfeeling way people may talk in these types of situations, so props on that.
The formatting is way off, I think you would benefit from reading others screenplays. Your dialogue seems to run on at times and is hard to get through.
I think what you need to do is condense some of the scenes and just say what is necessary to advance the plot, keep in mind each scene and what you need to happen in that scene and try and be more economical with your writing.
Good job on entering, I think the hardest thing for a writer is completing an actual story and you've done that, so keep going, because it takes practice and i think you'll get there.