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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Review My Logline  /  Logline Review - Voyage
Posted by: velera, August 12th, 2022, 9:54am
VOYAGE
The physicist best friend of an Illinois construction worker offers to help save his terminally ill son's life by taking the grief-stricken father back through time to retrieve what he believes will heal the child — the blood of Christ.
Posted by: LC, August 13th, 2022, 7:44pm; Reply: 1
The 'physicist best friend', 'Construction Worker' etc., reads a bit convoluted. Also, do we need to know he's from Illinois?

I'd try simplifying it.

In a desperate bid to save his terminally ill child, a man calls upon his best friend, a particle physicist, to help him travel back in time to retrieve the only cure that will save his son's life - the blood of Christ.

A man calls upon his friend, an astrophysicist, to help him travel back in time in a quest to find the only cure that will save his terminally ill son - the blood of Christ.

Still a bit of a mouthful...

P.S. Wow, that's some inclusion with 'the blood of Christ'.

Posted by: newwavepix, September 12th, 2022, 1:14am; Reply: 2
What LC said! I tried reading your logline out loud and quickly became out of breath. It's a great tongue twister though! Kidding aside... intriguing concept, maybe do more alluding-to rather than spelling things out literally. Good luck!
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