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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevator Game - OWC
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  Author    Elevator Game - OWC  (currently 2222 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Elevator Game by 0 - Short, Horror - Two girls risk supernatural forces when they play the Elevator Game. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Went well till the Bunny Man showed up. Well written aside from some overwriting here and there. All those carrots might push the budget up a tad. Of course, carrots are not that expensive. I prefer mine roasted.

It has some comedy value. 5 carrots out of 10.
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khamanna
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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This review contains SPOILERS:

So they are in the other world and doing the elevator game. I thought the twist - them being in the other world is really good and you can do a lot with it.
I didn't get why they were doing it though. And why the bunny man...
The comedy at the end seems like you switched genres as there was no comedy at the beginning of it.
Game - sounds intriquing and the twist too - I think you could think it through some more.
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currentcmine
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Good tensioners. Looks like you were after an offbeat ending but couldn't quite make it consistent with the desperate tone that was set. Give it some more thought.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Twisted little tale.  Like the idea of a secret combination to the elevator buttons.  Decent enough build-up and the reveal (and sudden reversal in tone) of the Bunny Man was not at all what I was expecting.    

One niggle would be to include a new slug for the change in location on p.5 -- moving outside the elevator.

A short and smooth read.  Though I liked the horror vibe you were building on, would've been interesting to see where that could've taken you.

Steve


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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A smooth read.  I didn't find it extremely exciting.  It was overwritten.

It's the Candyman legacy.  I get that.  I just don't see what they achieved.  

I didn't get the end.  

6/10


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LC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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I looked at this 'Dangerous Elevator Games' and pondered writing a script around it too, but didn't think it had anywhere to go. It appears you thought the same and intro'd The Bunnyman - which is about where I, no offense, tuned out. Is the author who I think it is? Just have to wait and see.

Re the writing, I would have liked more atmosphere/description of the actual elevator and the character inside it. The writing distanced me and I had no real sense of the visuals with regard to what you were depicting i.e., her in the elevator car. Some clumsy formatting here and there too. Still, this is a 'light' entry imh and in the scheme of things not really a 'mug' contender but you definitely had some fun with it. A quick read, despite my gripes. Put a bit more effort in next time.  


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eldave1
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well written.

I thought some of the dialogue was a bit older than what a 16 year old character would say (beckoning comes to mind).

I was going right along with this and then we hit the Bunny Man - did not care for that plot point. I thought it derailed an otherwise worthy tale.


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rendevous
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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The writer seems to have a bit of trouble with the space bar, in that they could have used it a bit more in spots. Maybe they broke one years ago.

I got a bit tired reading 'on phone' in brackets. (V.O.) would have helped instead.

I wasn't buying it. There's some interesting ideas, but the dialogue needs polishing up, as do the descriptions. The end would need a bit of work as well.

Perhaps I may be being over harsh. If so, my apologies.

It would be cheap to film and you managed to keep it in or around a lift, which is more than can be said for quite a few others.

R  


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Simon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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The bit about the Bunny Man was great. Not what I was expecting, which made it better.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Oh for fucks sake...bunny man.

What next cowboy Sam, madam putz etc

Until that point it lacked depth and connection but it was dynamic. I wanted to know here it was going. Well done.

We where left with why, what will happen, is there a reason.

So, my conclusion is that the lift method, the lift game, has something...but not with bunny boy. Even with a big fat carrot .. Saucy boy.




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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A connected script from the preious OWC funny!

Well writen, the twist is funny, unexpected and bizarre in equal measure.

Nice

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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This one was going along great until bunny man. Sorry, that didn't work for me. It turned tension into lark.

Best
Richard
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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The first pisser I've come across, and sadly, I know who wrote this.

All this up and down travel takes time, so unless you're cutting things out and not showing all, it doesn't make any sense.

Lots of spelling errors and at times Sadie is called "Sade"...not sure if that's intential or not.

Finally, I've never heard of the Elevator Game, nor does it seem to make any sense, but who knows.

NO MORE BUNNY MAN, you arsehole!!!  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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c m hall
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS
Great girls.  I love that Sadie sniffs to clear her head when her courage almost fails.  
And I love the ending.  
The story will engage the audience, many will try to remember the sequence of elevator numbers pushed... and Sadie joins the ranks of folk hero.  Great girl.

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c m hall  -  May 29th, 2015, 10:31am
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