Quoted from Kb679 Biggest problem is there�s no narrative momentum.  You have to have a want/get/cost in your story.   The character wants something.   He gets it.   But he pays a price for getting it. All it is just talking talking talking. And Also this was quite predictable I knew they were going to fall in love from the beginning.

Kb769, here's some free advice (seeing as I've noticed you're back giving your predominantly humdrum feedback. You remind me of whiny Ross in Friends... Then again, he was funny.

This is a RomCom. As such dialogue features heavily as it's invariably part of the formula. Read some Woody Allen, Diablo Cody, Nora Ephron - it's all in the dialogue, and contrary to what you're saying this is what drives the momentum.

Predictable you say?

If this wasn't a RomCom the character might fall down the escalator and break her neck, but it is a RomCom, and as such a happy ending is almost guaranteed - or at the very least a crowd pleasing denouement is a given.

Speaking of crowd-pleasers this indeed was one.
To the tune of third place in the OWC.
All anonymous voters too.

So, in closing - a grain of salt comes to mind.
And getting with the program (as I've kindly suggested to you in the past) to give feedback in a constructive and fair-minded manner, lest you look like a Scrooge.

Anyway, that said -
There's an OWC (one week challenge) just announced. (see below)
I challenge you to show us how it's done.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-0823/m-1691287234/s-0/

Lc. Go study Tyler Mowery he will show how it�s done. I tell it like it is and I follow his formula. I’m not as nice as others when it comes to criticism I tell it like it is and it’s not like I was cussing him out or anything I was pointing to major problems he had with his script.  


#1.  A story has to have narrative momentum. Look up harmon�s story circle.

#2.  Page 3 of a short we should really be moving and getting into the thick of the story.  Instead it�s just more talking..  

#3.  What cost did the main character pay for getting what he wanted? Absolutely nothing.   He found love but it didn�t come at a cost. That�s boring!!

Ooh Kb, you actually replied.

There's nothing wrong with giving criticism. And nobody is suggesting you sugar-coat yours. Most of us writers take it on the chin.  

A negative one-liner and then you're on to the next one with the same however, does not equate to a good critique.  

We want to encourage writers, not drive them away.

Add what did work for you.
Add ideas for how something can be improved.
By all means suggest books you recommend.

Start a discussion here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Again, this is a Short fluffy RomCom.

500 Days of Summer, this is not.

The answer to your question re what price the character pays in this one:

In all likelihood, a mortgage & three kids.

Quoted from LC Ooh Kb, you actually replied. There's nothing wrong with giving criticism. And nobody is suggesting you sugar-coat yours. Most of us writers take it on the chin.   A negative one-liner and then you're on to the next one with the same however, does not equate to a good critique.   We want to encourage writers, not drive them away. Add what did work for you. Add ideas for how something can be improved. By all means suggest books you recommend. Start a discussion here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/ Again, this is a Short fluffy RomCom. 500 Days of Summer, this is not. The answer to your question re what price the character pays in this one: In all likelihood, a mortgage & three kids.

Boom!  Love this reply. You nailed it!