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Things From The Grave by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - When a meteor crashes in a small town it causes the dead to rise and only two boys know the truth. - pdf, format
I though that was neat-o. You met the challenge head on and though the 50s stuff got a bit annoying at times, you handled it well. I thought your characters and the story were nicely done. Except for a few typos and the fact that nothing really new happened, I liked it. So, you get high marks from me.
Good Golly, Goodness me. What a swell story, Mr. Anthony!
Well i did think that fifties style got a tad annoying. But if it was the times, who am i to judge. Characters were good, story was good. Everything was good. But i think that could be interpreted as a problem too. Nothing really stood out to me, personally.
Maybe a small rewrite is needed for formating issues and such, but still. Pretty darn swell i say.
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
Kids in the 50's didn't add 'like' to everything they said. eg “We were in the cemetery and like this meteor feel outta the sky and now they’re these things coming out of the ground!” The effects of cigarette smoke on the unborn didn’t become public knowledge until the late 60’s early 70’s. The policeman asking two boys aged fourteen in the fifties if they had been smoking marijuana doesn’t ring true. The story didn’t really work for me. walford
I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.
When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.
MBCgirl =) My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
Sorry, but this one didn't work for me. It felt like you read the OWC criteria, decided on this story that fit all of those criteria (good job there) and decided to set it in the 50s, which I guess you pulled off since I wasn't alive back then to know how teenagers spoke then. The only thing I wasn't sure about was the song mention, but I looked it up and it came out the year before this takes place so good job there.
However, I got the feeling after reading this that you wrote a 20 page script for the challenge, realized you were way over the page limit, and rather than going back and taking some things off, you just got rid of the last 7 pages. You built up the invasion, the doubt and the moment where everyone in town sees that the boys were right, but then it just ends (rather confusingly at that). The boys stumbled on an invasion (rather than causing it as me suggested, which I think would work a little better) told people about it but nobody believed them, so they had no effect. Unless they save the day at the end, or you go with me's suggestion, the two main characters are pointless and don't really add anything to the story. The two teens could have been taken out of the story and the events would have occurred in the exact same way. The only impact they really had was getting the DJ killed, who probably would have locked himself in his office if the fire alarm hadn't gone off.
I'd recommend extending this, nothing up until this point really needs to be changed, it was just unsatisfying to me the way it ended. I'd add to this so the boys save the day (giving them a purpose) or have them watch as the rest of the town perishes despite their warnings (going along with the whole "teenagers are smarter than adults give them credit for" theme that seems prevalent in these types of movies.) Good luck!
This one was amusing in it's own way. I picyured it in black and white. The ywi kids were funny and had some nice dialog between them, this did have that 50's feel to it.
I wasn't completley satisfied withe ending, I felt it ended too quick, I think there needed to ba a bit more zombie action because there really isn't a lot. Still this one had some entertaining moments.
I mostly really (mostly really?) well, almost completely and thoroughly enjoyed this except for a few things.
The writer shows too much talent to leave too obvious typos unattended even if it's an OWC. Not capitalizing the first letter at the beginning of a sentence and glaring typos bother me when I know the person writing it is better than that.
Other than that I really enjoyed the dialogue between the boys and I think the pacing worked well.
Two things that I would adjust:
1. No hurting of little chihuahuas is this script because I think it distorts the fun mood you've got going.
2. End with your last bit of dialogue of "I say we get the heck out of town."
Good job on this one. Easily my favorite so far.
And P.S. ... I love the word "things" in the title. Just give that bit of a jab to all the old English that ever existed in your life who said you should search for better nouns to describe things.
technically, this was the cleanest script that i have read so far...it had a little "war of the worlds" feel to it which made it a little predictable...in its defense, it's really hard to have an original story germinate in 13 pages...it was a clean, easy read, that incorporated the guidelines of the owc...good job..
This one was alright, it stood out due to the time setting and I think you did pretty well with sticking to that dialogue style throughout.
The main problems I have with this one are;
The script is littered with errors. Typos, spelling mistakes, sentences starting in lower case. I mean I know you only had a week to write this but the amount shows that this wasn't even proof read once. I wouldn't normally mention that but it got distracting.
The dialogue felt very contrived. The entire build up to this felt very forced and just the writer talking to the audience to build up to the main scene.
I don't know about the whole premise of this. I mean how could a meteor bring people back from the dead....and thinking about it, why would they be suddenly evil? I couldn't take the idea seriously and for a horror I think you need to base it at least a little in reality.
As far as the challenge went I think you hit the horror part, might have been a little too gorey for a YA but the hoax was pretty well done. I think if you had a bit more time to really flesh this out then it would be a nice little short, but as it is it just felt far too forced.
Yeah, a decent, yet predictable, story. However, it felt unfinished and the kinda slobby way it was thrown together really hurt the script. Another problem for me was the dialogue, even though this story takes place in the 50s the dialogue simply did not seem real. It was very wooden in my book and repetitive (telling what we've already been shown).
Overall a fair piece that pretty much nailed the genre and theme, maybe a bit too gory though.
Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
The script is littered with errors. Typos, spelling mistakes, sentences starting in lower case. I mean I know you only had a week to write this but the amount shows that this wasn't even proof read once. I wouldn't normally mention that but it got distracting.
As far as the challenge went I think you hit the horror part, might have been a little too gorey for a YA but the hoax was pretty well done. I think if you had a bit more time to really flesh this out then it would be a nice little short, but as it is it just felt far too forced.
Ste, I think that you might be mixing this up with another script. Perhaps you were distracted and multitasking? I think you're a multi-tasker...
Anyways, this script was very clean. The only other option is that I was entirely burnt out when I read it.
I'll look at it again tomorrow when I'm fresh, but so far: This is one of my favorites for meeting the challenge.
technically, this was the cleanest script that i have read so far...it had a little "war of the worlds" feel to it which made it a little predictable...in its defense, it's really hard to have an original story germinate in 13 pages...it was a clean, easy read, that incorporated the guidelines of the owc...good job..
peace, db
I just wanted to quote you here because I couldn't figure out how I could miss a typo littered script. Ste was probably reading two scripts at once. I get the feeling he was.