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Wow, major Starship Troopers vibe here! Very well written (though admittedly so FX heavy that only Cameron could hope to produce this short.) I actually do feel this could be trimmed a bit - it runs slightly long. But OWC, or no OWC, very nice SF short...
This is one horrendous search for poor David! The action is nonstop. Barely time for David (or a reader) to breathe. This story looks GREAT on the page. (Sometimes presentation is taken for granted.) It's quick to read; the short, mostly two-line descriptions deliver a punch. Really speeds up the pace too. Incredibly well-written.
Oh boy...I'm not going to be able to get through this one...no way, no how.
This style of writing sure is trying hard to be super duper cool, and I bet it is to some. It's the opposiate to me. The constant use of double dashes, CAPPING, Subject Slugs, asides, cutesy phrasings, swearing in the prose, oh man, the list goes on and on.
IMO, it is incorrect to format Flashbacks inside the Slug itself. It's confusing not to return to scene, and even more so when we jump right into a Mini Slug.
Hey, I'm sure you're a great writer, as this style is tough to pull off for sure, but IMO, you haven't pulled it off, and in the process, you've irritated me to the point that I'm out on Page 3.
This wreaks of Starship Troopers, one of my alltime favorite flicks, but I don't see the horror here. What I do see is what is turning me off gong on and on for another 7 pages and I just can't take it. Sorry.
32. A Soldier's Search by David Nige - As a raging war threatens humanity, a soldier must find his family before the horrors of another world get to them.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘A Soldier’s Search’ I’m looking for something fairly literal with a figurative approach being a surprise. Good luck! Nice opening sequence. Alien world: nice. Ah, we can travel through space but we’re still armed with good old bullets. Okay. Good vicious creatures and heavy battle under way. Nice, nice, nice. More good battle action. Helluva portal! Like it! Nice home amidst war chaos scene. Good. Excellent emergence of “bug critters” from man! Nice. The non-stop action is great. Unrelenting. Love it! Fantastic story. Hope you can roll this out into a feature. Very, very nice.
Suggested construct alternatives: - At the Richmond Park Refuge just have David walk past a huge trench of corpses rather than stumbling down into them, which is corny. - Have the great beast pursuit go from the other-world to the Nigel house THEN to the forest tent. Make a creature truly bent on persecuting David, otherwise it seems rather “what are the odds?!” of-all-the gin-joints-in-all-the-world. Have the creature get a good whiff of David back on the other-world so that he’s following his scent. - Of course, either the creature is designed to target and relentlessly pursue - or - it’s on a venge quest as a result of something David did back on the other-world. - Make the title more action oriented, less philosophical.
Action packed from start to finish, nothing wrong with that, it is after all a short.
As far as the horror aspect I don't really see it, more sci-fi if anything. Very well written and fast paced, kind of reminds of another script from another OWC
David battling creatures from beyond... Rambo style while saving a family in between only to lose his loved one and then reconnect with his daughter for a bittersweet ending... phew!!!
You jammed it all in there and I enjoyed it even though I'm not a huge fan of that genre.