Hmm, I feel like this is another one of these type of 'comic' interpretations of the theme where the author was perhaps enjoying himself while writing it, but it doesn't quite deliver to the audience... well, at least this reader.

Your logline roped me in but when all was said and done it wasn't quite there for me.

Good attempt at something different, though.

Liked the ghost hunter idea, but the banter between Pete and the Captain at midpoint became a little overdone and was let down by the end, which makes me think that this was rushed. A few too many unanswered questions within the script.

Good effort.

Oh hi,

Thank you everyone for your reads and comments.

So this was mine and no, this was not a pisser but thank you for asking anyway.

In all seriousness I can see how it could get lost in translation due to the mildly comical undertones, but it was not the intent to to make it seem like a comedy - because it wasn't.  That's why it wasn't funny and I completely agree because it wasn't supposed to be.  A script coming off as a bad comedy though, eh, a week's work can go either way.  If I'm writing something funny it'll be lol quality.

To answer the ending; it plays into the Nazis betraying every country they made an accord with during WWII.  The Captain says the phone number will lead Pete to his family, but the last shot is of a pad of paper with the motel's number on it.  So he purposely gave him the wrong number, never meaning to actually live up to his end of the bargain.  And I chose Himmler because I thought Hitler would be too cliche.

This was an idea I wanted to write a feature for but it never really came around so I tried a condensed version here and yeah, little too much on the tech stuff.  But I still love the concept and hope to try the feature again and this still fit the challenge parameters nicely so I take it as a success on that aspect.

Thanks again,

Greg

Well, I admire your ambition and the concept you had in mind, but a few things need to be changed before you take another crack at it. Two concepts that I think would greatly help you accomplish your goal: history and verisimilitude.

History, because I feel like you barely have a grasp of who Himmler was and what he did. The Heinrich Himmler of history seemed very quiet, cultivated, and cold. You portrayed him as being somewhat boisterous and over-the-top, with lines like "Hi, Pete! Great to see ya!" Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark comes closer to resembling the real Himmler. He was quiet, snakelike, wore glasses, super-intelligent, and extremely manipulative. It took the wrath of God to wipe that dude out. If you pretended Himmler was Toht, then I think you'd come a lot closer to nailing the right tone.

Verisimilitude is taking an unbelievable concept/premise and making it believable. It's commonly associated with one of my favorite movies--if you can't tell by my avatar--Superman. Richard Donner and Tom Mankiewicz swore by verisimilitude and not only made us believe a man could fly, but that he also could participate in everyday life, here on Earth. In other words, it held water and that's why it's so good.

This should be the backbone of your story. I barely believed anything in your script. I didn't believe that the real ghost of Himmler had come to America, I didn't believe that Pete's family was really in danger, I didn't believe that Himmler actually had an army of the undead at his disposal, I didn't believe that he'd automatically betray Pete "just because he's a Nazi." And it's not all about revealing this stuff in exposition, either. You've gotta figure out the most natural way of working it in. It seems like a lot of work, but I think if you hold yourself to a pretty tight standard, you'll get it.

Quoted Text This was an idea I wanted to write a feature for but it never really came around so I tried a condensed version here and yeah, little too much on the tech stuff.  But I still love the concept and hope to try the feature again and this still fit the challenge parameters nicely so I take it as a success on that aspect.

I would try to perfect the short before you work on the feature. You've got a pretty wild concept and a narrow margin of error. You came nowhere close to hitting the mark you set for yourself. The short is a good testing ground that you can use to get the tone of the characters and the story right before you transfer/translate it to a bigger canvas and longer runtime.

But for heaven's sake, don't give up on this. I'm a big history buff and I want to believe Himmler is actually trying to assemble the Undead Third Reich from a sleazy motel room.

Dan,

Thank you for your thoughts.  History, specifically WWII era, has been something I've studied purely out of interest, so as a result it underlines a lot of stuff I write.  Himmler indeed was quiet, cultivated, and cold but that wouldn't have made him odd nor interesting in such a short amount of time, so I chose to go for something completely different; from a visual aspect having him burst into the room, kick the guy's ass, and be a little off the walls I feel worked better than knocking and saying hello.  Again - 12 pages to work with and a batch of 36 scripts - need to differentiate.

The feature outline is much toned down because it's higher concept.  I'm not going to get too into specifics but in it the ghosts and main character are much darker.  I've planned to use Pete but hold him in a supporting comic relief role.

I love the idea and if anything this exercise has shown what may not work as well if I go ahead with the feature.  

Thanks again for your thoughts,

Greg

Read this book

The Reality Dysfunction
by Peter F Hamilton (1996)

before you rewrite.