I'd like to know where the multitude of hands came from, what they were doing and why? I agree with Steve on maybe labelling the bottle to give the reader some clarity.

This reads very easy and doesn't dilly dally around - it gets straight to the point.

I'm guessing (after watching various horror shows/movies) that the box contained someone's heart? Doesn't matter either way, just an assumption.

I don't have much more to say about this that hasn't already been said. It was refreshingly quick, without being terrible and I liked the story.

Good job

Renee

One of the better written OWC scripts this time around. Not many wasted words, gets right to the point. I did wonder, at first about some loose ends, if you will, but dismissed them. Why? In horror, the writer does not need to explain everything. Mystery and ambiguity ican work in the author's favor. That's pretty much what I got out of this.

Not much else to say. Good job.

While the writing is pretty solid, the logic killed this one for me. If that jar was so precious, why isn't Celia more concerned about it, especially when Lucy's cornered in the room with it? What did she expect would happen under those circumstances? And why bother with including the children if they have zero bearing on the story? And the ending is supposed to be tragic but comes off as a last cheap thrill, no substance to it.

There's also the ambiguity about whether or not Celia is even a witch. It's kind of assumed because of the parameters of the challenge but nothing about her informs that she's a witch.

It is a story, despite having too many questions left unanswered, and there's a real sense of visual storytelling. This could have been better than it is. It's not bad, just could have been better.

One of the better scripts of the bunch, in my humble.
Coupla typos but the writing was very good.
I was thoroughly enjoying it until near the end. I expected a bit more or something else. Nothing wrong with as is, just the rest of it was better.

R

Hey Writer,

Not a bad little story here.  However, I really think you had chances to ratchet up the tension here, especially during the chase in Celia's house.  As it stands, it's okay, but I think it could've been better -- and scarier.  There's not too much to be frightened of here.  I wasn't thrilled with the ending either.  I had grown to like Lucy, especially the way she helped her mom, but then she meets her demise anyway.  Oh well.

But a good effort.  Flows pretty well, and good descriptions throughout.  Congrats on getting this finished!  Good luck!

Steve

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

20. What Comes Around by Twelve - Horror - A young woman fights back against the witch she's indebted to.
Brief - A teen witch repossesses an amulet from a foul woman witch to aid her ill mother

Location(s)  - House exterior & interior, coven room, shack house exterior & interior
Cast - 5
Protagonist(s)  -  
LUCY, late teens, currently treading that thin line between innocence and experience
MOTHER, 40's, brightly colored turban wrapped around her bald head, pale, drawn face
Antagonist(s)  -
CELIA, early 30's, could easily be mistaken for a vapid trophy wife
DAUGHTERS 2X
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. This was more of a vignette than a story. But at least it's horror. Portrays modern witches and witchcraft if poor light.
Comments  -  That's some pricey SFX on pg4. Reluctantly, I'm not real clear on what the relationship is between Lucy and Celia.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but missable.

$1,000 - 2,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 6.8               Screenplay Pages
= $147 - 294           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Kinda sorta
Horror - Yep