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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  God Does Not Play Dice - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    God Does Not Play Dice - QC  (currently 1252 views)
DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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This was odd.  

You went over the page limit and I don't know why.  You could have easily cut a few lines out without losing anything important.

I agree with Mark.  I couldn't tell if this was a comedy, horror (Steve Bannon, tragedy?  The tone was all over.

And how far do the dice predict the future?  So many questions.

And why did the Cardinal hang himself?  I wish we knew what question he asked.

Not bad overall, and you managed to fit all 4 criteria in just a smidge over 3 pages.

Dan


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Cont. at the top? That doesn't fly very well.

But,

I liked the premise. Playing with dice that they used to cast lots with years ago?

THAT, my friend, is a good one. Such a shame it lands broken in a few too many places.

Yet I was interested reading it. And that is hard for me so you've done something extremely right in my little ball court.

Oh how I wish it didn't end in such a rush for no reason.

Oh how I wish Steve Bannon wasn't mentioned because I don't even know who he is.

Still,

Interesting. Very interesting.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Over the page count, so I'm not even going to read a single line.

No grade


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I don't feel you were mistaken including all four challenge objects. I think you truly felt that was the challenge. I could be wrong. Anyway, in doing so I feel it took away from this story as you really had something interesting going on with those dice. I liked that part a lot. But the opening took away from it, and you really never had time to fully develop the significance of the dice, which would have been great. And not a fan of the ending either. But overall, pretty good!

Steve


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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Over the page count, so I'm not even going to read a single line.

No grade


This wasn't over the limit, Jeff!

My bad, Jeff. I actually do remember this being one line over, but it appears that it was allowed to be corrected to fit the challenge.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
This wasn't over the limit, Jeff!

My bad, Jeff. I actually do remember this being one line over, but it appears that it was allowed to be corrected to fit the challenge.


It was over when I looked at it yesterday.  It also started with a "CONT."

So, corrections are being allowed days after the deadline?  What am I missing here?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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New comments now that I understand it was okay to have all four elements:
But -- why do it that way? It just added to the muddle.
I like the premise involving the biblical stone dice, and this looked like it might be a good story. Alas, it did not come to pass.

Also, little things irritated me:
Use of lacklusterly and genuflect.
Describing the stone dice as weather-beaten. What, left outside? Weren't they gathering dust in the Vatican?
Confusion over the meaning of "one" and "two" and some questions that didn't fit the will-happen, won't-happen responses, such Blue Elephant and Mother's Name.
Trivializing use of Steve Bannon, Super Bowl.

Henry






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Angry Bear
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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So these dice can tell you if something is true or false. Murphy first tests this by asking silly questions like, there are too many blue elephants and is Murphy a woman. Dice tells him false. He starts asking questions he knows are true and the dice agree. He asks if Steve Bannon will be president and gets a TRUE. Shudder!!!! Would've been a rather scary thought, but since he's no longer a player in the WH, it fell flat.

I enjoyed it. Just would've had a better punch if Bannon was still on the scene.  


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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My first "negative" review...and go!

A priest hanging himself with a jump rope seems kind of...bizarre. It just doesn't seem significant in any way aside from the fact that his aides were using it to play, and then it aided in his suicide.

There was a couple time where it seemed like the writer was taking words straight out of a thesaurus without reading to see how it blended in with the sentence as a whole, mostly in the first page.

Definitely not a drama, and I think the only thing that hit me as intriguing was that no answer earned a one. because in an infinite universe, no matter what the situation is, there is always a minuscule chance of anything happening. I don't know if that's what you meant, but I liked it anyways.
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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HAHAHAHAH and there's two dice, how would he come up with a one!?!? Silly me.
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Michael
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Just don't understand why the Cardinal being so old would jump rope, then bam we are in the Church. Just confusing for me.
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pale yellow
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm this is well written but I do not really get it. I wanted to like this but I do not really understand why the guy killed himself at the end. Or did he?

Confused.


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Abe from LA
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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GOD DOES NOT PLAY DICE

There is a certain amount of misdirection here that stifles your story.  What I like are the biblical elements, the stone dice, the telling of the future stuff.  Forget the jump rope and Steve Bannon.

So the Cardinal stole the dice because he "needed to know." I was unclear what specifically he needed to know, and how the dice played a part in this knowledge. what's confusing is that the Cardinal explains what he needed to know, by saying the dice can foretell the future? Right. So he didn't need to know, really. He just needed the dice.
Like the golden egg vs. the goose that lays the golden egg.


Another puzzler for me is that the dice seem to have led to the Cardinal's downfall. And ultimate suicide.  So why is he passing along the dice to Pastor Murphy?  He doesn't issue any warning, but almost a blessing to Murphy. Cardinal: "You are the one, Jim."

What does the Cardinal foresee Murphy doing?  Interesting, but confusing.

Maybe Murphy is entrusted to "return" the dice to the Vatican. But like Adam, he gives in to temptation.  And once he rolls the dice, he ain't rolling back.

Reminds me some of the Twilight Zone episode, Nick of Time, with William Shatner.

This is a flawed piece of work, but so intriguing. Writer, you should clean it up and reintroduce.
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