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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Cyborn - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cyborn by Isacc Avitoff - Short, Sci Fi - An android uses a pair of dice to help him choose random memories to relive as his power supply runs out. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
Braxx looks as cool as an artificial cucumber


Haha, I like it.

I didn't mind this. A fair bit going on for 3 pages, so good job on cramming it all in.

Best of the ones I've read so far.


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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Wow, this is a heck of a story. Can't believe you got all of this into three pages!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mr Avitoff (I do love a good smut pun).

I do feel there is a MUCH bigger story lurking here and this would benefit from more pages but you perked my interest. I quite fancy Dollface as well.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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A lot of stuff covered here. Neat idea. That's thinking outside the old box.

Isaac Asimov  sci fi author of I Robot cool reference as author.

I'd recommend not using numbers at all. Just roll the 30 sided die and access a memory. The memory numbers were not needed for the story. Just like the star date numbers in Star Trek.
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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You squeezed a lot of story into those 3 pages and showed it to us via montage.
The montage didn't work as I had to read it carefully and it contained a lot of info.
I don't think I'd read all of that on screen.
But the ending is clever and sweet.
Actually good of you to manage an entry with very little dialog.
Good story.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Good.

You've got a timer thing going and everything! What's not to like?

Now, with some cutting and tugging, you might eliminate some of the technical sound and extra writing to bring more "life" into the android, but I think you've got something here. I'm not feeling bad about this one at all.

Sandra



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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Visually, this Is stunning. I think it would work much better as a feature film, as you could quite a lot with it, I think. Just a couple of questions: are androids sexualized here?  You refer to the android as "he" several times.
Also, I understand the need to get dice into the script, I just didn't understand why the android would you those to randomly access memories. Seems like something he could have programmed himself without prompting from a pair of dice.  Nit picky, I know. Still, very well done here.

All the best,
Gary


Click on the link for my blog as Rick Hansberry and I take script from concept to completion (and hopefully to the screen) Lake Regret Movie
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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This was cool. So much in three pages, nice work. I envisioned the Matrix gunfight coming as the elevator doors open.

I've a feeling that you're going to take this one and run with it after the challenge. Just make sure you let us know where we can read the revision.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Good opening.  Well written...but a bit dense.

"passed" - "past"  "The is BRAXX." - "This"

"Stood next to him..." - Awkward phrasing.

"You ready Dollface?" - always need a comma to set apart a name in dialogue.

These memories are actually Flashbacks and IMO, should be labeled as such.

OK, well, this is a bold attempt and I do like it for the most part, but even though you've definitely used dice, I don't find it remotely realistic that this "last" android would have 2 twenty sided die with him, as he attempts to escape the angry mob.

It is a solid effort, though.

***





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good effort and well written. I agree with hawkeye that the dice thing seemed odd (and handy lol) but I guess it gave the android a more human feel?


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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That was awesome. Wildly creative.

Not sure if you plan on expanding this and keeping the dice element. But, if so, you could explain their existence by having one of his early memories being playing a dice game with Dr. Azmos. It becomes their favorite little game between them. Which explains why Azmos would build this memory device to work like a dice game. At least, I'm assuming Azmos built it.

Anyways, great stuff. My favorite so far.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Not sure if you plan on expanding this and keeping the dice element. But, if so, you could explain their existence by having one of his early memories being playing a dice game with Dr. Azmos. It becomes their favorite little game between them. Which explains why Azmos would build this memory device to work like a dice game. At least, I'm assuming Azmos built it.


That is a GREAT idea!!!!!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Interesting tale. I kinda liked this, but just not sure I'm buying the rolling of the dice bringing about pertinent memories of his past like that. Too convenient.


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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Well done.

Memory montage question: Should the first item (in the church) be there? Shouldn't it come before the montage begins?

MarkItZero's suggestion is excellent.

A few editing things: Peripheral should be periphery, passed/past, etc.

Overall, great execution. You unfolded a whole bunch of elements in a short span, and you did so in a way that that sparked some emotion at the end.
Henry



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