All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The streudel commercial in A was better than B, and the clown thing for smoking was better in B than in A. But I think the streudel commercial was the much more solid piece, so that's why I ultimately went with A.
Khamanna - THANK YOU SO MUCH! This was a blast to work with you. I really enjoyed our dialog and your esprit. The behind the scenes efforts are the best.
Everyone loved your "Singing Mom" strudel commercial. It was great. Clearly the better of the two. It took me a couple hours to figure out the "KandRay" name. (Dumb Dora!) It wasn't until I started google image searching that name that I figured it out. Idiot. LOL!
Khamanna and Shawn - I'd also like to hear from you guys on your experiences having been there and done that? What makes this thing work? How can we avoid fouling it up?
Ryan - Whadap, crazy man?!
So, tell me: what are some of your observations on this little thingamajig? What do you want to do - and - avoid?
James - You flatter me with your perception of the depth of my deviousness. (Truth is you're right!)
If you would please, tell me where the writing needed some work? (Not that it was a masterpiece, mind you.)
Jeff - You also noted grievance with the writing. How so?
Everyone - Also, what were some of our "tells"?
Gracias!
2019 - 1474 = 545 & 715 views I'd say there was some interest in this thing
Tells: I knew when I read the beginning of A that it was K’s! Would you ever open a story that way. Don’t think so. The giveaway for me was *heart wrenching* followed by *lalas*. K has a freer feeling to her writing and your’s is a bit more structured.
Thanks to you too Ray. Yeah it was a lot of fun. I liked both of your commercials very much, clowns a bit better though. And fast!
Let's see how writing off the logline goes and I'll answer these questions you have for me and Shawn. I wrote a lot of 5 pagers in a month. I don't know about two days...but let's see. I guess a good logline is important. Loosing in this thing might sting (two days vs. two hours spend on the thing) but I don't know.
Good Luck to you and Ryan! Almighty Ray I say! He goes in - he wins. Props to Ryan for going next!
@Gary - I was wondering how everyone knows and pm'd someone - the writer said A was Ray's for that same reason. --sometimes it's structured, other times it's not I guess. You got right who wrote what the last time too, I think.
Ray, the issues with yours were many, I'm sorry to say.
Slugs were poor. No character names CAPPED when first intro'd. Prose was choppy (far from a smooth, clean read) throughout. Descriptions were very minimal or nonexistent, meaning this was not visual at all. Punctuation problems throughout, etc.
For the record, I'm looking at this and K's as scripts, and I'm referring to the actual writing on display.
I don't mean to be a dick, but when something's off, it's very apparent to me.
Your idea on the quit smoking slogan (at the end of your script) was very solid, and that's why you got my vote. Your pastry script didn't work for me at all, and I didn't get it. K's pastry script had humor involved that worked, but it was written so poorly you won overall. Her stop smoking slogan didn't work at all, although it was somewhat humorous.
I also think that it's a good idea to call on a script and list the mistakes you might have noticed. Literally list them, just "poor writing" doesn't do much.
I also think that it's a good idea to call on a script and list the mistakes you might have noticed. Literally list them, just "poor writing" doesn't do much.
All due respect, but this whole thing seemed so...rushed. I personally didn't really feel like I needed to take the time to fully critique it.
I guess we differ in opinions - I like those things because they are quick.
I don't write well in an hour. But you can come up with something good in an hour (which is different to writing under tough time constraint).
Maybe some can write well even in an hour... I can't edit well even if I was given a week - two weeks maybe - I always need to put the thing away for some time, then look it over with a pair of fresh eyes. That's perhaps just me though. I don't even know what's wrong with mine (or Ray's by the way) - that's why I asked.
You don't need to critique it of course if you don't feel like it.
You guys...c'mon. You can't seriously tell me you don't see where these scripts contain poor writing. Seriously?
I listed a bunch of things above that should be pretty crystal clear. As for poor writing, how about these quick examples...
Script A
GALE, 30s, hands akimbo, sings at the top of her lungs Carmen’s “Habanera” (Bizet). No words, only heart-wrenching:
WOMAN Lala lala, lala la lala la la la la lala la lala.
She switches to Ariel’s “Look at this stuff” (Disney). Again, no words, just the broken tune:
WOMAN Lala la la lala lala la...
Gale is almost yodeling now.
The first passage here is loaded with mistakes and reads extremely difficult.
The next passage is again very oddly written (Ariel's??? As in the character from Little Mermaid?). Why "Disney" in parenthesis"
The next part makes no sense - who is "WOMAN"? You just intro'd her as "Gale".
And then, the "almost yodeling now" part...just reads really poorly, really passively...odd, in a bad way.
Script B
INT. BREAKFAST PRODUCTS SHOPPING AISLE - DAY
Automaton-like mother pushes cart with 9 year old generic boy at side. The child drags along without interest.
She mindlessly pulls "Box Tarts" from shelf. Drops them in empty, basket. Continues.
Opening Slug is really poor. I have to assume this is actually in a grocery store, as it's almost impossible to be inside a shopping aisle.
The first passage reads like an automaton wrote it. For some reason you continually skip words like "a" and "the", which make for a poor, dry, dull read. No character names are CAPPED, and that's a definite mistake.
Next passage is much like the first...poorly written. The 2nd sentence should be connected to the first with a comma, as it's a continuation of it. No comma needed after "empty". The 3rd "sentence". "Continues." obviuosly isn't a sentence at all,a dn really has no place here whatsoever.
OK? That's as far as I'm going. Hope it makes sense.
Vote for A or B
Pages: 
Author
Showdown #2 Ray vs Khamanna 
Logged
--sometimes it's structured, other times it's not I guess. 
Locked Board