Jeff,

Stop complaining about people cheating and then threatening to cheat yourself.  That's so hypocritical.  

This is only meant to be a bit of fun.  Please try to have some and leave running it to me.  Thanks.

I still have not voted. I wanted a fresh read today.

In the Presidential Elections, the candidates still get to exercise their right to vote.

I don't really see anything wrong with people voting for themselves.  If they both vote it levels the playing field out anyway.

And kudos to Gary (grademan).  You're definately from a strong moral fiber to not just vote for yourself.  If I felt that another story was better than mine, I'd vote for the better story, too.

Although, I'm going to be honest...  If money were involved in this, there's no way in hell I'd vote for anybody else but me.  Not because I'm greedy, but because I'm a
po' mofo.  (That means poor mother fucker for those of you not familiar with ghetto slang or submarine sandwiches.)

Story A: I feel the pain. When I try to write these shorts, I'm guilty of the same crime: trying to create a plot that is really too complicated for the space allowed. Let me see if I understand the science behind this story.

Reincarnated people develop what they think is a disorder, but is actually memories of past lives resurfacing. A company arises that learns how to reconnect people with their memories, in the guise of helping people with their disorder. The company secretly contacts loved ones from the person's former life and charges to reunite, and to complete the memory reboot.

There are a lot of interesting questions that will arise, but still an interesting concept. I think the first thing you have to tackle is what about people that don't go for help? What are the chances that a reincarnated person will go to this company for help with what they think is a medical condition? You could perhaps create solutions for questions like this in your story, but would require much more space than allowed.

This was an ambitious effort, but where it lost me was in some of the details. First there was the accelerated growth thing. The plot is already dealing with numerous ethical and practical problems, and then that is thrown in. Why? Just so Julia can still be young enough to plausibly become a couple again with her husband? This seems like a forced plot creation to reach that result. Where was this kid's parents? How do they explain to the person that they need to accelerate his growth in order to treat his disorder?

Then there was the USB device. Is there something implanted in him to receive that? There would have to be. And the "grape juice" seemed like poor description.

Like I said, I feel the pain. You got two days, you start out with a very complicated idea, and then while you're writing you're trying to work out the details. I think Ryan was undefeated in these showdowns because his stories kept things fairly simple, and then masterly executed. That is definitely the formula to emulate.

A lot to like in story B. First of all, the reincarnated husband in the form of a parrot is funny. Even had the story been terrible, I'm laughing. Just can't help it. Hey, I like the Three Stooges too.

And the story was not terrible. The parrot drinking the beer with the security guard is a nice touch too. The newscast: I don't think this was a problem. And these little contests are a great time to experiment with stuff like that. Some of the details need to be worked out better. The parrot should expose some evidence of the wife's crime, something that leads to her conviction. The insurance fraud squawk only helps the reader/viewer. It would also be nice if the parrot and the guard recover some of the money. Maybe there could be a reward involved.

All in all, the seed had been planted for a story with potential. I would say you put together a solid skeleton, but need work on the muscles and tendons before you get to the skin. Nice work.

So I think my vote is obvious, but if you're skipping to the end: B

A - Bold concept and location, I'm a sucker for travel log scripts.
     Unclear at times but still intriguing mythology.
     Tony's rejection fell flat. Lackluster resolution with grape vial stuff.
     Exceptional final image of the card in the book, pretty nifty overall.

B - Clever concept. Makes me want to run out and see "Rio".
     Good kicker with the playboy sending them on their way to the parrot.
     Annoying reporter banter was annoying. Twice.
     Doesn't deliver on set up, big missed opportunity with wife & parrot climax.

Both of these have merit, it's a tough call.
A had the stronger conclusion, even though I wasn't thrilled with how we arrived at it.

Is it just me or do these seem to shine more when the logline gives a locale?
The Vegas pair and New Orleans scripts leap to mind.
Good work folks!

Regards,
E.D.

Same story here... To me, neither were that good but I had to vote for one.  

A: I liked the idea behind the first, but after a second read I found myself annoyed with the details. How do the patients get to this clinic? Who was Tony originally? How do you 'accelerate growth'? And why the business card in the bible?

A good premise if properly developed, but it doesn't fit as a two day short.

B: It really irked me that half the story takes place on the TV. Felt like a lazy way to tell the story.  I really did like the idea of the parrot, but it's dialog needs work.  I found it a little too wordy and direct. The end did nothing for me. I wanted to see the crazy ex confront the parrot.  That is a funny scene as I see it in my head and was disappointed by yet another news cast with cheesy dialog.

This one has a lot of potential as a funny short, but needs a big can of polish applied first.

In the end, I liked A less than I liked B.

Okay. I confess. Knowing the challenge is just for fun overall, I could not resist. I knew my actions in voting for one of the scripts would tick off Jeff. It is something I wanted to do for a few months now  

Nobody can vote "twice". Polls aren't set up like that.

BTW, if someone else votes and doesn't comment of what they did/did not like (again, this is a fun challenge, four pages in a 48 hrs- both stories have seeds to build on, both have rough edges, yet neither are p-takes.) that's their business. Maybe a few of them might even wait and see if me or James reworked them down the road and submitted them on the site.

I will admit I liked James' piece; it would not surprise me if he revised it a little and it went to camera in less than a year from now.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Okay. I confess. Knowing the challenge is just for fun overall, I could not resist. I knew my actions in voting for one of the scripts would tick off Jeff. It is something I wanted to do for a few months now

All you have to do is post a script. That normally pisses Jeff off. Seriously hope he has blood pressure meds at his age....

Good show btw, wherever this ends up. More comments after reveal.

James

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, Darren, that's very interesting that your reasoning for voting for yourself to tie the vote up was to p*ss me off.  If you honestly think anyone buys that, you're a much bigger douche than we all imagine.

The mere thought that you thought I was being serious about that tells me a lot about you too. By the way, I did like James entry a little better than mine- or did you just skip that part of it?

Your douche is bigger than mine.

OK, so you're saying you voted for James' script then?

I voted B.  A didn't really do much for me, but B I found amusing.  The ending could be reworked; get rid of the very last sequence and end it on Hector saying something so we know it's the woman's husband.  That way the bad guys get theirs and the hero lives happily after with no strings attached.  

Okay.  

While the parrot script (B) was cute, it went too over the top - even given it's inherently campy nature.  And while I didn't mind the TV news format at all, I think the ending ruins it a touch.  What, the security guard's in on it with the parrot?

Whereas A actually had a bit of hard science fiction in it, and could potentially be expanded to something interesting and far longer (ie: where do the rights of the new individual end, and the 'reincarnated' self start?)  The bible ending I basically glossed over as irrelevant to the rest of the story.  Doesn't work, doesn't need to be there.  But who cares - it's a small detail.  (If this were expanded, the writer would have to take a hard look at what they meant by 'disorder'.  That part's totally unclear.  But there's really no need to nitpick about plot points right now....considering it's a short challenge exercise.)

So, I'm voting for A - whoever it was.  

Quoted from Dreamscale James, I'm shocked you don't take offense to the competition stooping to alter the outcome by voting for himself.  If I hadn't called his weak as out, you think he would have stepped up and said, "Hey guys, just want to come clean and tell you all that I voted for myself...not to win, of course, but just to piss Jeff off".  Uh huh...right...

Jeff, I really don't care. Its supposed to be just fun. I know you have issues with Darren outside of this. I've called him out for not doing his share of reading. He's a very prolific writer. Cranks out scripts like a mothufucka. But, you can't attack him here for that. He wrote, what I think is a good script, in less than 48 hrs...

James

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, Darren, that's very interesting that your reasoning for voting for yourself to tie the vote up was to piss me off.  If you honestly think anyone buys that, you're a much bigger douche than we all imagine.

And Jeff stop calling people names.  I'm not standing for it any longer - even the slightest infraction.  I'm going to start deleting them whenever I see them.  Remind me again, how old are you?

It was a very tight match but I think we can say the victor was B.

A-Darren
B-James

Well done James, your second in a row.  Who will take on this champion next?