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Showdown #8 James vs Darren - CONGRATULATING (currently 4442 views)
mcornetto
Posted: April 22nd, 2011, 5:10pm
Guest User
James vs Darren...
- Logline: A widow goes on a pilgrimage to Mexico to find her reincarnated husband.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
Vote for the script you like best.
Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto - April 24th, 2011, 6:10pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 22nd, 2011, 5:11pm
Guest User
A
FADE IN: EXT. VALLARTA BOTANICAL GARDENS - DAY SUPER: PUERTO VALLARTA, 2023
Orchid trees and wild palms flank JULIE (mid 40s) as she walks along a hiking trail. She approaches LAURA (mid 20s) who bird watches.
Julie gives Laura a good look over, gets closer. Laura lowers her binoculars.
Julie hands her a credit card. Laura takes a slim case out of her shirt pocket. The gizmo scans the card, gives a digital readout on the back of the case.
LAURA Come, follow me.
EXT. RIO HORCONES - DAY TONY (20) swims to and fro in the river; the two women hike up to the banks. Observe him.
LAURA Have a nice trip out to Puerto Vallarta, Mrs. Hawks?
JULIE Yes I did, thank you. Tony emerges from the water some distance away. Beefcake tanned and toned.
JULIE Twelve years since my husband passed. How can it be him?
LAURA One of our treatments. Accelerated growth. Eleven years old, twentysomething body. It’s normal these days with treatments for the disorder.
Tony puts on a loose tank top, approaches. His eyes transfix on Julie. He pauses.
LAURA It’s alright Tony.
Reluctant, Tony steps up, and with caution, extends out his right hand. Julie takes it. Tony gets more awkward.
TONY Tony Logan.
JULIE Julie Hawks.
Tony’s gaze goes to her hand in his. Pulls away.
TONY I wasn’t expecting this. (to Laura) I wasn’t expecting-
JULIE (amazed) The voice. Sounds just like Todd.
Tony backs up.
TONY Todd Hawks. Todd Kevin Hawks.
JULIE You remember.
TONY No. I don’t. It’s just a name.
JULIE You remember me.
TONY Lady, I haven’t met you, I mean, I dreamed of you, but I’m not that guy. I can’t be. Stay away.
LAURA I’m sorry about this Julie. My company thought he was ready.
TONY I came to you guys, help me solve my disorder, you do this?
LAURA It’s not a disorder. It’s normal.
TONY You get her away from me.
Tony runs off.
LAURA Again, I apologize. If you want a refund-
JULIE No. I saw and heard my husband again, you helped find him for me. I can’t thank Amygdala enough.
LAURA That’s what we do, Mrs. Hawks. We just want to help.
Considers a plan.
LAURA Tell you what. If you stick around for a few days, maybe Tony will come in for another treatment at the clinic. I can pull some strings, have you observe the procedure.
JULIE Anything to get him back.
INT. AMYGDALA INDUSTRIES - DAY Tony, sedated, bound to a leather reclining chair. Laura, now in a smock, stands next to him.
At her side, an assortment of vials filled with liquid that looks like grape juice, and a high tech gadget that looks like a USB drive with a needle sticking out of it.
Julie looks on from an open window observation room.
JULIE Nobody else, just you?
LAURA Not exactly. We’ll be joined by a few company reps online, one of my supers.
JULIE I mean, nobody but you in the room, the entire facility.
LAURA Yes. Just me and my machines.
She takes a grape juice vial and pours the contents into Tony’s mouth.
Laura readies the USB needle-thing. Julie cringes. Laura injects the needle into Tony’s right shoulder. Presses a button on the device. It flashes a white pulse.
JULIE What does that do?
LAURA Helps memory recall, especially from past lives. We call it jackrabbiting.
JULIE Reincarnation doesn’t work that way.
LAURA How does it work? We just help people along, nothing else. New age of hypnosis.
JULIE You can do that?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Tony zips up suitcases while Julie checks around the room.
TONY Got everything, dear?
JULIE Just one last check. How are you feeling?
On a table, a electronic virtual business card which reads “Amygdala - Because We Can, Because We Care”.
Julie swipes it, puts inside a Gideon’s bible, and the bible inside a table drawer.
The sun rises on this over-priced paradise. Infinity edge pool, jacuzzi, and a tiki bar with plenty of seating.
MOLLY RICKETS, 46, enters carrying a mimosa. She wears a bikini, heels, and Versace sunglasses.
She sits on a shaded chaise lounge next to the pool. She grabs the remote from an end table and flicks on a large plasma T.V. sheltered by an over hang.
She rifles through a few channels before settling on a selection.
ON T.V.
A FEMALE REPORTER, 33, carries a microphone as she follows JESSICA TALLMADGE, 22.
FEMALE REPORTER I’m here with Jessica Tallmadge, an animal handler at Chapultepec zoo outside of Mexico city. Jessica, tell us about some of the exhibits here at Chapultepec?
The reporter follows Jessica to a T-stand where a colorful parrot, HECTOR, perches.
JESSICA Well, this is Hector. He’s a two year old Senegal Parrot. He’s become quite the celebrity here and loves to talk.
FEMALE REPORTER Wow, what a beautiful bird. Will he talk for us?
JESSICA We can try.
Jessica approaches Hector and holds out a treat.
JESSICA Hector, can you say something nice for the nice people in T.V. Land?
HECTOR Squawk. How’s my life insurance money treating you, bitch. Squawk.
The reporter turns to the camera. Embarrassed.
FEMALE REPORTER Well, he’s got quite a mouth on him doesn’t he?
JESSICA I’m so sorry. He’s never said anything like that before.
BACK TO SCENE
Molly takes a sip of her morning cocktail.
HECTOR (ON T.V.) Squawk. Molly turned the gas on. Molly turned the gas on. Squawk.
Molly spits out her drink. She pauses the television. She stares at the frozen image of the bird.
MOLLY M... Michael? That’s impossible!
Molly walks over to the tiki bar and grabs her cell phone. She dials.
PIERRE (V.O.) Allo, mon cherie.
MOLLY Get the car ready. We’re going to Mexico.
PIERRE (V.O.) Ah, to make love under zee palm tree?
MOLLY No...
Molly whips off her sunglasses in over dramatic fashion. She stares into the camera. Extreme CU of Molly.
MOLLY We’ve got a parrot to kill.
INT. CHAPULTEPEC ZOO GUARD SHACK - DAY
Small quarters. A single chair in front of a desk with a T.V. monitor on it. Hector stands on the desk in front of a Tecate beer can with a tall straw protruding from it.
Hector one eye’s the straw. He clamps his beak on it. Draws some liquid.
STEVE, 33, in a security outfit, enters carrying a pizza box.
STEVE Hurry, we’re gonna miss it little buddy.
Steve set’s down the pizza box and turns on the T.V.
ON T.V.
DIANE and BOB, two news anchors, sit behind an angled desk. Diane shuffles papers.
DIANE In other news, an apparent robbery attempt was thwarted today at Chapultepec zoo. But, not by security. Instead, by one of the main attractions.
INSERT: PHOTO OF HECTOR IN BG
DIANE Hector, the colorful parrot at Chapultepec, apparently not only knows how to speak, but, also how to dial a telephone. Listen to this call to Mexico city police...
OPERATOR (V.O.) Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
HECTOR (V.O.) Squawk. Robbery at the zoo. Robbery at the zoo. Squawk.
BOB That call prompted authorities to contact zoo security who found two people trying to break into the exotic bird sanctuary.
A VIDEO plays of Molly and PIERRE, 36, being escorted while cuffed to a police cruiser.
Pierre wears a pink beret. They appear to be bickering at one another.
DIANE (V.O.) Molly Rickets and her accomplice, Pierre LaTweed, were arrested and charged with trespassing and attempted burglary. But, that may be the least of their worries.
BOB (V.O.) Do tell, Diane.
DIANE (V.O.) Great lead in, Bob.
Molly is stuffed into the back of the police cruiser. She appears to be crying.
DIANE (V.O.) They’re both considered “persons of interest” by Malibu, California police stemming from a mysterious house explosion that killed Molly’s late husband, Michael, two years ago.
BOB (V.O.) Also, they’ve been mandated by court not to leave the U.S.
BACK TO STUDIO
Diane turns to Bob.
DIANE Looks like their in a bit of trouble, Bob.
BOB Wow, excellent observation, Diane.
BACK TO SCENE
Steve turns off the T.V.
STEVE Great work little buddy. They seem like a couple of real scumbags.
Hector’s head bounces up and down in excitement.
HECTOR Squawk. See you next Tuesday. Squawk.
STEVE You can say that again.
Hector one eye’s his straw again and takes another sip.
STEVE How’s that beer taste?
HECTOR Squawk. Like sweet victory, Steve. Squawk. Like sweet victory.
Steve takes out a slice of pizza and rips off a small chunk. He brings it to hectors mouth. Hector gobbles it down.
STEVE To the victor go the spoils.
Steve kicks his legs up on the desk and leans back. Hector takes another sip of beer.
Uhhh, sorry guys, but I don't like either...at all.
Both are very hard to follow due to poor writing throughout. For some odd reason, both have a huge amount of "action" taking place on a TV, which is just weird.
Mistakes a plenty in both. A has many lines not separated by a blank line, like even dialogue lines butted against action lines.
I guess B at least has a playful spirit, and although it's far from clear, I guess we have to assume that Hector, the talking parrot, is indeed the dead hubby, reincarnated, but...I don't know.
It was a tough challenge this go 'round, so I can understand the difficulty coming up with a decent or good effort. But...neither of these work at all for me for many, many reasons.
I'll go with B, but there's no glowing endorsements...
I must be tired, but that parrot caught me off guard and made me laugh out loud. Never would have thought to do that with this log.
I'm gonna read them both again tomorrow to be fair, since I'm tired. My first impression of A, I had a problem with the accelerated growth aspect. I'll try again tomorrow.
Jeff. You can't judge these based on format. Left aligned is the only format instruction. That's kind of why I like it, format does not enter into the equation.
I did mention that A's format was fucked up, but my vote is with B over A in all things considered...writing, story, structure, dialogue, believability, etc., etc, etc.
Hmm. Another tough one to decide who to vote for. The ideas behind both stories are pretty creative and I liked the premise equally to both of them, but both were pretty rough in the execution.
I liked the first half of A and followed it pretty good, but got lost at the end. I liked the first half of B, but I didn't like how the story was told through an amateur news broadcast.
I'm leaning more towards A because I think the writing is just a little bit cleaner and just a little bit more fluid.
But I think the main reason I'm going to choose A is because I really didn't like the amateur news broadcast in B and the more I'm thinking about it, I think it really tears the story down for me.
But both stories still started out with very interesting premises and this was a great logline.
Didn't particularly take to either story this time. Two very different approaches and a tough call as to who to vote for.
A. This was by far the more audacious of the two stories. Very intriguing setup with the lady meeting the reincarnated version of her husband. But, the story sort of fell apart for me here. I wanted to know more about the reincarnation process. This clone has been alive for eleven years and this is the first time that Julie is meeting him? What was the "disorder" that Laura was referring to? I got the feeling with the technology in this story that it should have been set further in the future. I mean, the clone was created in the year 2012, if my math is correct.
So, a good idea, but the execution was flawed and the details of the story were nebulous. And the ending felt very rushed.
B. A funny idea, a dude reincarnated as a parrot. But aside from this clever idea, the story just didn't offer much. Not a wise choice to tell the entire story by way of TV reports. We never got to see the wife confront her husband, the parrot. That could have been comedy gold right there.
The banter between the news anchors didn't work, IMO. And the ending just left me confused.
So, both scripts had clever concepts, but both ultimately didn't work because of the execution. Gotta pick one though, and I'm going for A because it was more visual and had glimmers of a real story.
How can it be that you can (or should) vote for yourself? We've had numerous close calls, and a vote here or a vote there, at an appropriate time can change the tide.
PATHETIC once again. Darren, you are so fucking WEAK!!!
I literally cannot believe this is acceptable. Damn, peeps...c'mon...rise up and speak your mind.
Jeff, if you can vote for your own entry, maybe you can vote twice. ?? I think it's fine and dandy to review your own OWC script, but not sure about voting for yourself in a two-day challenge, doesn't seem quite right to me.
EDIT: Hmm, just noticed Mc'C's remark that you can indeed vote for yourself... um, okay.
I've no idea if you can vote twice however, haven't tried...
I'm cool with it Jeff, and how do you know Darren didn't vote for me??? I'm not gonna vote. If it comes down to it, more then happy to let Cornie decide.
In the Presidential Elections, the candidates still get to exercise their right to vote.
I don't really see anything wrong with people voting for themselves. If they both vote it levels the playing field out anyway.
And kudos to Gary (grademan). You're definately from a strong moral fiber to not just vote for yourself. If I felt that another story was better than mine, I'd vote for the better story, too.
Although, I'm going to be honest... If money were involved in this, there's no way in hell I'd vote for anybody else but me. Not because I'm greedy, but because I'm a po' mofo. (That means poor mother fucker for those of you not familiar with ghetto slang or submarine sandwiches.)
Story A: I feel the pain. When I try to write these shorts, I'm guilty of the same crime: trying to create a plot that is really too complicated for the space allowed. Let me see if I understand the science behind this story.
Reincarnated people develop what they think is a disorder, but is actually memories of past lives resurfacing. A company arises that learns how to reconnect people with their memories, in the guise of helping people with their disorder. The company secretly contacts loved ones from the person's former life and charges to reunite, and to complete the memory reboot.
There are a lot of interesting questions that will arise, but still an interesting concept. I think the first thing you have to tackle is what about people that don't go for help? What are the chances that a reincarnated person will go to this company for help with what they think is a medical condition? You could perhaps create solutions for questions like this in your story, but would require much more space than allowed.
This was an ambitious effort, but where it lost me was in some of the details. First there was the accelerated growth thing. The plot is already dealing with numerous ethical and practical problems, and then that is thrown in. Why? Just so Julia can still be young enough to plausibly become a couple again with her husband? This seems like a forced plot creation to reach that result. Where was this kid's parents? How do they explain to the person that they need to accelerate his growth in order to treat his disorder?
Then there was the USB device. Is there something implanted in him to receive that? There would have to be. And the "grape juice" seemed like poor description.
Like I said, I feel the pain. You got two days, you start out with a very complicated idea, and then while you're writing you're trying to work out the details. I think Ryan was undefeated in these showdowns because his stories kept things fairly simple, and then masterly executed. That is definitely the formula to emulate.
A lot to like in story B. First of all, the reincarnated husband in the form of a parrot is funny. Even had the story been terrible, I'm laughing. Just can't help it. Hey, I like the Three Stooges too.
And the story was not terrible. The parrot drinking the beer with the security guard is a nice touch too. The newscast: I don't think this was a problem. And these little contests are a great time to experiment with stuff like that. Some of the details need to be worked out better. The parrot should expose some evidence of the wife's crime, something that leads to her conviction. The insurance fraud squawk only helps the reader/viewer. It would also be nice if the parrot and the guard recover some of the money. Maybe there could be a reward involved.
All in all, the seed had been planted for a story with potential. I would say you put together a solid skeleton, but need work on the muscles and tendons before you get to the skin. Nice work.
So I think my vote is obvious, but if you're skipping to the end: B
A - Bold concept and location, I'm a sucker for travel log scripts. Unclear at times but still intriguing mythology. Tony's rejection fell flat. Lackluster resolution with grape vial stuff. Exceptional final image of the card in the book, pretty nifty overall.
B - Clever concept. Makes me want to run out and see "Rio". Good kicker with the playboy sending them on their way to the parrot. Annoying reporter banter was annoying. Twice. Doesn't deliver on set up, big missed opportunity with wife & parrot climax.
Both of these have merit, it's a tough call. A had the stronger conclusion, even though I wasn't thrilled with how we arrived at it.
Is it just me or do these seem to shine more when the logline gives a locale? The Vegas pair and New Orleans scripts leap to mind. Good work folks!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Same story here... To me, neither were that good but I had to vote for one.
A: I liked the idea behind the first, but after a second read I found myself annoyed with the details. How do the patients get to this clinic? Who was Tony originally? How do you 'accelerate growth'? And why the business card in the bible?
A good premise if properly developed, but it doesn't fit as a two day short.
B: It really irked me that half the story takes place on the TV. Felt like a lazy way to tell the story. I really did like the idea of the parrot, but it's dialog needs work. I found it a little too wordy and direct. The end did nothing for me. I wanted to see the crazy ex confront the parrot. That is a funny scene as I see it in my head and was disappointed by yet another news cast with cheesy dialog.
This one has a lot of potential as a funny short, but needs a big can of polish applied first.
In the end, I liked A less than I liked B.
"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons." - Blazing Saddles - Jim AKA The Waco Kid 1 completed, 2 more under construction:
Okay. I confess. Knowing the challenge is just for fun overall, I could not resist. I knew my actions in voting for one of the scripts would tick off Jeff. It is something I wanted to do for a few months now
Nobody can vote "twice". Polls aren't set up like that.
BTW, if someone else votes and doesn't comment of what they did/did not like (again, this is a fun challenge, four pages in a 48 hrs- both stories have seeds to build on, both have rough edges, yet neither are p-takes.) that's their business. Maybe a few of them might even wait and see if me or James reworked them down the road and submitted them on the site.
I will admit I liked James' piece; it would not surprise me if he revised it a little and it went to camera in less than a year from now.
Okay. I confess. Knowing the challenge is just for fun overall, I could not resist. I knew my actions in voting for one of the scripts would tick off Jeff. It is something I wanted to do for a few months now
All you have to do is post a script. That normally pisses Jeff off. Seriously hope he has blood pressure meds at his age....
Good show btw, wherever this ends up. More comments after reveal.
Well, Darren, that's very interesting that your reasoning for voting for yourself to tie the vote up was to p*ss me off. If you honestly think anyone buys that, you're a much bigger douche than we all imagine.
The mere thought that you thought I was being serious about that tells me a lot about you too. By the way, I did like James entry a little better than mine- or did you just skip that part of it?
I voted B. A didn't really do much for me, but B I found amusing. The ending could be reworked; get rid of the very last sequence and end it on Hector saying something so we know it's the woman's husband. That way the bad guys get theirs and the hero lives happily after with no strings attached.
While the parrot script (B) was cute, it went too over the top - even given it's inherently campy nature. And while I didn't mind the TV news format at all, I think the ending ruins it a touch. What, the security guard's in on it with the parrot?
Whereas A actually had a bit of hard science fiction in it, and could potentially be expanded to something interesting and far longer (ie: where do the rights of the new individual end, and the 'reincarnated' self start?) The bible ending I basically glossed over as irrelevant to the rest of the story. Doesn't work, doesn't need to be there. But who cares - it's a small detail. (If this were expanded, the writer would have to take a hard look at what they meant by 'disorder'. That part's totally unclear. But there's really no need to nitpick about plot points right now....considering it's a short challenge exercise.)
James, I'm shocked you don't take offense to the competition stooping to alter the outcome by voting for himself. If I hadn't called his weak as out, you think he would have stepped up and said, "Hey guys, just want to come clean and tell you all that I voted for myself...not to win, of course, but just to piss Jeff off". Uh huh...right...
Jeff, I really don't care. Its supposed to be just fun. I know you have issues with Darren outside of this. I've called him out for not doing his share of reading. He's a very prolific writer. Cranks out scripts like a mothufucka. But, you can't attack him here for that. He wrote, what I think is a good script, in less than 48 hrs...
Well, Darren, that's very interesting that your reasoning for voting for yourself to tie the vote up was to piss me off. If you honestly think anyone buys that, you're a much bigger douche than we all imagine.
And Jeff stop calling people names. I'm not standing for it any longer - even the slightest infraction. I'm going to start deleting them whenever I see them. Remind me again, how old are you?
Good script Darren, it was a far more ambitious undertaking then mine was.
I went for over the top comedy here. I agree with most comments that mine starts out far bettter then it finishes. By the time Molly rips off her sunglasses and stares intot the camera for her line "We've got a parrot to kill." I was already on page three. I had to wrap it up quickly. I would've liked to follw these two nit-wits as they try to break into the zoo, but I would've ran way over.
I don't like the way it ends, either. Thanks for reading and voting everyone.
Let's do it! You've been putting out some good stuff, which is no surprise, 'cos you're a quality writer. If we're looking at Wednesday through to Friday, then I'm in.
Vote for A or B
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Showdown #8 James vs Darren - CONGRATULATING
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