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Showdown #11 Libby vs Michael H - CONGRATULATING (currently 4226 views)
mcornetto
Posted: May 11th, 2011, 4:33pm
Guest User
Libby vs Michael H. vs Mystery writer
- Logline: A narcissistic comedienne and a tax collector get completely trashed at a luxury resort.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
NOTE: There is a third mystery entry and all votes count. The mystery writer can continue.
Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto - May 12th, 2011, 8:10pm
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mcornetto
Posted: May 11th, 2011, 4:34pm
Guest User
A
FADE IN:
INT. BAR - OPAL PALACE RESORT - NIGHT
ARTIE, 32, a balding, portly chap in a gray suit, sits at the mahogany bar and sips a Scotch on the rocks. A posh watering hole, the bar connects to the lobby of the swanky resort.
TINA, 46, takes a seat on the stool next to Artie. Big hair, loud dress, thick makeup. She calls over the BARTENDER.
TINA Tommy, give me a raging hard-on.
Tommy nods, gets to work preparing a drink.
Artie grimaces.
ARTIE Do I even want to know what’s in that?
TINA Oh, I’m sure you’ve sampled plenty.
Artie stares at her for a moment, grins and shakes his head.
ARTIE Hey, you’re Tina Baskin. I just saw your show. I tried asking for my money back, but now that you’re here, how ‘bout you repay me in drinks?
Tina, completely unfazed by the criticism, checks her reflection in the mirror across the bar, then glances at Artie.
TINA I like your tie. Really matches your neck fat.
The Bartender hands Tina her drink and she takes a sip, then checks her reflection again.
ARTIE Yeah, that reflection isn’t getting any better, is it? Next time tell your plastic surgeon to lay off the brass knuckles.
Tina smiles, chugs down her drink, motions to the Bartender for another one.
Artie grabs a handful of nuts from a bowl and drops them into his mouth, then motions for another drink.
TINA Jesus, ease off the Cornnuts, Bluto. Looks like feeding time at Sea World. What are you doing here, anyway? Trolling for skanks?
ARTIE Looks like I just got a nibble. But actually, I came here with a blind date. We went to your show, then came here for a drink and--
Tina puts a hand to her forehead, sways like she’s getting a psychic vision.
TINA Wait, wait, I see it now. She told you she was going to the bathroom and that she’d be right back. Yes, yes, I can see her back at her apartment this very moment, kneeling at her bedside and praying to God that she never sees that walrus in a cheap suit again.
The Bartender slides them two new drinks. Artie smiles, knocks back half his Scotch.
ARTIE Hmm, interesting. Did your psychic powers tell you that you were gonna bomb that bad tonight? Or is it one of those things where you can’t change the future because you don’t want to disrupt the space-time continuum?
Tina slams back her entire drink, signals for another. Not to be outdone, Artie guzzles the rest of his. The Bartender collects both empty glasses.
TINA So, what do you do besides fail at life?
ARTIE I work for the I.R.S.
TINA Oh my God. The Insatiable Rectum Stuffers? Shoulda known. I can smell the brimstone comin’ off ya.
ARTIE That might be the cologne. Slut Magnet. Specially designed to attract ugly old tramps in bad dresses. That is some rag, by the way. Handstitched by a boxcar of blind hobos.
The Bartender delivers two more drinks, which quickly get consumed.
TINA Hey, here’s a tax tip: claim your ass and those six chins as dependents.
Artie slides his empty glass forward, as does Tina. He glances at her hand, doesn’t see a ring.
ARTIE What, no ring? I’m amazed some dashing young illegal immigrant hasn’t snatched you up for his green card.
TINA You know, I almost got married once to this fat, disease-ridden male prostitute who would give his ass up to anything that moved. But, he told me he couldn’t, because his hermaphrodite son was just diagnosed with brain damage. (beat) Give your dad my best.
Two more drinks served up, immediately imbibed.
LATER
Tina and Artie still sit in their stools, noticeably pie-eyed.
Tina takes a swig of her latest round, looks over at Artie.
TINA I must be plowed. You’re starting to look human. Or at least proto-human.
Artie nods, downs the remainder of his Scotch.
ARTIE Yeah, this might be the Scotch talkin’, but suddenly the thought of being with you doesn’t make me want to start my own monastery.
She raises her glass.
TINA To the brotherhood of the lonely gonads!
ARTIE Here, here!
They tap glasses and suck down the last drops of drink.
ARTIE You know what, I’ll even buy next round. Barkeep!
The Bartender walks over.
BARTENDER I’m sorry, but I believe you two have had enough. Can I get you some water?
Tina slaps Artie’s shoulder.
TINA Hey. I got a mini-bar in my room. Let’s go.
INT. TINA’S ROOM - NIGHT
Artie and Tina sit on the bed, chug from mini-bottles. A half dozen empties lie on the floor.
Artie stands up to grab another bottle. Tina lies back on the bed.
When Artie turns, he sees Tina hiking up her dress.
TINA What do you say, big boy?
Artie chugs his new bottle, drops it to the floor, wipes his lips.
ARTIE Baby, I’m a be on you like hot stink.
He takes one step, then sways. His eyes roll back in his head and he falls forward, bouncing off the mattress and flopping face first onto the floor.
Tina tries to turn to check on him, then passes out herself.
INT. TINA’S ROOM - MORNING
Artie, still face down in the carpet, slowly lifts his head. His right cheek red from rugburn, he rises to his knees.
Tina’s eyes flutter open and she stares at Artie.
TINA It lives.
She props herself up, holds her head.
TINA Oh, man.
ARTIE Rough night.
Artie gets to his feet.
ARTIE Well, gotta get to work taking other people’s hard earned money.
TINA Yeah, even Jesus hated tax collectors. But hey, you’re really not that bad a guy. That girl was a bitch for ditching you.
ARTIE Thanks. And you didn’t actually bomb last night. It was pretty good.
TINA Wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for that fucking heckler.
ARTIE Yeah. Sorry about that.
She looks at him, smirks.
TINA My head feels like the top button on your pants. About to explode.
ARTIE Hey, uh, would you wanna maybe get together sometime?
A vintage red sports car pulls up to the hotel entrance.
INT. FLORIDA KEYS RESORT - CONNIE’S BAR - DAY
MARYANN (late 20’s) and RAY DEFLORIO (50’s) sip impossibly colored umbrella adorned cocktails.
Maryann is quintessential Gold Coast: tan from a can and double-D cups. In contrast Ray is as pale as a bit-player on a ‘Twilight’ set, wearing an Aloha Shirt, striped shorts, bare feet tucked inside white loafers.
MARYANN Jesus Ray, you been ordering from the Tropical Tantrum catalogue again?
Ray clears his throat, shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
RAY I’m not in the mood, Maryann.
MARYANN Well neither am I, darlin’.
She takes another drink.
MARYANN Did you get my dress back from house-keeping?
He nods.
MARYANN How ‘bout that nail-polish, Plum-passion, you get that? Oh,and my...
RAY Yes, Maryann.
EXT. FLORIDA KEYS RESORT - MARINA - DAY
YANCEY McGRAW,(30’s), a big boy with a military hair cut, leans against the guard rail of the Marina, cell-phone to his ear. He turns, espies the couple inside.
YANCEY Yep, I’m looking at them right now. And, I got news for you, Bud. It’s not a Chevette as we first thought. It's a fricken’ cherry-red '68 Corvette!
BUD That’s a classic man!
YANCEY Yeah. Mint condition too. I’d say, seventy, eighty g’s.
BUD Whew! What I’d give for that.
YANCEY It’s like I always say, a first seizure of property...
YANCEY BUD Is like a first kiss. Is like a first kiss.
They laugh.
BUD So, you called in the cavalry yet?
YANCEY Nah, not yet, figure I’ll stay for the laughs. Woman’s got a pair of tata’s to die for.
Bud groans.
BUD Yeah, don’t worry about me man, I’ll just keep buttering those mouse turds.
Yancey laughs, hangs up.
INT. RESORT BALLROOM - NIGHT ‘Ballroom’ is not overstating the excess... a billboard up front announces: ‘Comedy Club Final’ $20,000 prize. Maryann is onstage, mid-routine. Ray sits up front, Yancey directly behind him.
MARYANN "You know my husband applied for a job on a construction crew once. You know what I mean, girls. Lot of big burly guys with six-packs. The foreman looks at him, says, you can have the job, just fill this out... and he handed my husband a shirt.
A few of the women in the crowd titter, the men groan.
MARYANN ...speaking of my husband, he says, you gotta’ stop bad-mouthing me. Apparently he wasn’t too fond, that I was telling all our friends ...that he gave me an anticlimax.
Maryann is dying on her feet, she pouts her bee-stung lips.
MARYANN Oh, c’mon guys, you know you love me.
She signals to someone off stage. Strip-tease music blasts through the speakers. Maryann shimmies and gyrates to the music; shakes her best assets. A drunk heckler stands.
DRUNK HECKLER You finally found your callin’ sweetheart.
The men in the crowd cheer and leer. Ray, an angry look on his face, walks off in a huff.
INT. FLORIDA KEYS RESORT - LOBBY Maryann sobs loudly, mascara runs down her cheeks and her beehive hairdo is dishevelled. People stop and stare.
MARYANN So, I’m not fuckin’ good enough for you now, is that what you’re saying? I give you everything and this is what I get!
She gives Ray a good shove. Ray grabs her arms, pulls her close.
RAY You give me wha’...? You’ been sucking me dry, Maryann. Everything I had ‘cept that car is gone. And... now, you’re stealing other people’s routines. You’re the big joke.
He storms off.
EXT. FLORIDA KEYS RESORT - CONNIE’S BAR - NIGHT Maryann sits at the bar, tired, emotional and quite a bit drunk. Yancey sidles up next to her.
YANCEY Buy you a drink?
Maryann gives him the once-over. Smiles seductively
MARYANN (slurring) I suppose. But, be warned, I’ been known to drink bigger fella’s than you right under the table.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Sunlight gleams off the cherry-red body of the Corvette. Yancey and Bud stand next to the car admiring it.
BUD Wow, she sure is a beauty.
YANCEY Wanna’ take a ride?
BUD Really?
YANCEY Well, she’s all mine now, so I don’t see why not.
Yancey opens the door, gets in the drivers seat.
INT. THE DEFLORIO HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A very humble abode in the ‘burbs. Ray stares, wide eyed, mouth gaping at a still-shot of a smashed up cherry-red Corvette on the afternoon news.
RAY Maryann! Maryann! Get in here.
MARYANN (O.S.) Okay okay, keep your knickers on, I’m coming.
As Maryanne enters, Ray just points gormlessly at the television. A news reporter sticks a microphone in the faces of Yancey and Bud as they stand by the wreckage. Ray turns and glares at Maryann.
RAY Maryann, what did you do?
MARYANN I didn’t do nothing.
RAY Well, I sure as hell didn’t.
EXT. FLORIDA KEYS RESORT - BAR - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Yancey and Maryann sit at a table giggling. Yancey suddenly stands up.
YANCEY Gotta drain the snake.
He stumbles off towards the toilets. Maryann dips into his jacket - hanging from the back of his chair.
MARYANN More like milk the maggot.
She rifles through his pockets, shakes out a leather concertina cardholder. Sneers, replaces it. Opens her handbag, takes out a small pill box. Empties its contents into his glass.
MARYANN Only two things certain in this life, Mister IRS. Death and taxes.
INT. THE DEFLORIO HOME - DAY - PRESENT
RAY Maryanne?
MARYANN Okay, okay. Maybe I did do a little something, but look, no-one got hurt... miraculously, and guess what, couple of weeks time, I’m going be able to buy us a brand new car.
RAY Oh yeah?
MARYANN Yeah. See, I got to thinking about what that drunk yelled out during my act. Got to thinking good and hard, ‘bout wasted talent, all that.
She leans down, her ample cleavage in Ray’s face; picks a piece of paper up from the coffee-table. Across the top reads: ‘Rumpy-Pumpy Productions’. She hands it to her husband.
A stands out like a sore thumb as the clear winner here. It's crisp, and while it might go on a little too long, I'm sure if it were ever filmed it would be a real nice back-and-forth. Everything just seemed to jump right off the page.
B, on the other hand, tried to do too much and just didn't read as well.
I'll go for A. Technically coherent and told a decent story but had the character development to go with it. B had a good idea but it wasn't executed clearly enough. C I actually would have voted for but it went too long (Zach Galifianakis? Really? Leary I was okay with, Alexander was kinda pushing it, but Galifianakis was too much) and didn't follow the logline (comedienne -- female).
Some good entries here. I'd argue the standard is higher than the prevailing view thus far, but then again, who cares.
It's hard to not vote A. It just had a certain zip and readability that pushes it across the line. This is my favourite week of entries, for what it's worth.
Andrew, I have to say that your avatar works quite nicely. Because of where the lights are positioned in the photograph, it makes what ever you write seem like it's in a thought bubble.
A – Nice dialogue and interplay. Liked the character introductions. I had the feeling the writer was channeling Kathy Griffin. Visual of the mini bottles was good.
B – Okay. Couple of stumbling points: Drain the snake, anticlimax, and puts his head in his hands. Interplay not up to A’s level.
C – Rescue Me with Denis Leary, I could hear Denis’ gravel voice and his pissed off at the world schtick. The jokes were unbearable esp. his own zip code. Maybe the fat woman was the comedienne? Still something about this one tickled.
Thanks for entering this was a deceptively hard challenge.
A had its strong points but didn't deliver when it easily could have. I'd call it a missed opportunity that was pretty well written, and even worked overall.
B didn't work, didn't make a whole lot of sense and had alot of mistakes.
C also had a few moments, but really missed its opportunity completely.
C – Rescue Me with Denis Leary, I could hear Denis’ gravel voice and his pissed off at the world schtick. The jokes were unbearable esp. his own zip code. Maybe the fat woman was the comedienne? Still something about this one tickled.
It was more of his stand up routine than Rescue Me. I recall a great number of those jokes from "No Cure For Cancer". Almost verbatim.
A worked the best for me as well. The back and forth, though not all witty, came off pretty natural and gave them character. It stuck to the formula, keep it simple. It usually prevails in these quick written shorts and did again here for me.
B did ok. I think there was a missed insurance opportunity with the trashed red corvette that could've got them both out of the doghouse with the IRS.
C seemed like a standup ripoff. I'm not sure if D Leary wrote all of those comments or not. Iff he did, I didn't like it because its not the writers. If the writer actually could've come up with material like that on their own, it would get my vote in a heartbeat...
Yeah, A was the obvious stand-out, though I think the ending could've had a little bit more of a pop. As it is, it's just a fizzle. Still, the back and forth was very good and made it enjoyable to read.
B - seemed like it was trying to be too big for 5 pages. Just too much going on. Hence, there were too many scene changes with not enough going on in the scene to grab attention.
C - I was excited to read when I saw Denis Leary (even though he's not a comedienne). But there wasn't anything new he had to say, it was all his cut-downs and complaints we've heard from him (or people quote from him) one hundred thousand times before. It definately took away from the originality I thought this story was going to have in the first place.
Plus, as soon as Zack Galigofuckhimself entered the picture, I knew this had no chance to redeem itself. I can't stand that guy. Yeah, he was okay in 'The Hangover', but he's only ever been an annoying ass one trick pony if there ever was one before.
Sorry, :-) I think I'm starting to bring personal feelings into this one. My rant about Zack Galiwhatshisface actually went on for about three more paragraphs, so I scaled it back some.
A - Crackling dialog and crisp action description. Excellent example of the logline, but didn't color the characters beyond it much. Letdown by the lack of minibar shenanigans, still a very fluid read.
B - Unsure who owned the Corvette. Bud was never introduced. How did MaryAnn know that Yancy was after her and Ray? Read decent, but the jokes didn't catch fire for me.
C - Regurgitating No Cure for Cancer jokes near verbatim didn't do it for me. Zack Galifiainakis in a thong will never do it for me. You could've at least had Denis play the A**hole song in the tutu.
A wins for overall smoothness and chuckleworthiness.
Thanks for playing!
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I voted A, though I think Tina and Artie are essentially the same character with the same humor, trading insults. That said, some of the lines were pretty funny and it fits the logline the best...
B had potential and I can see it was going for a story and not a vignette like A, however I don't think it fit the log even though a collector of sorts and a comedienne did get drunk. It was not central to the story like the log implies it should be.
C was all over the place - was there a tax collector in it?
If I had to guess I think a mod wrote A as the mystery writer. It smacks of Shelton's humor from Pimp Juice. I'm guessing Libby wrote B, so that would leave Mike as C by default. If I'm wrong, then my apologies... (0:
I voted for A last night. Thought it was okay. The banter was decent.
B didn't really stick with me for some reason. My mind wandered while reading.
C was just talking heads. Denis was too unlikable for me to care about him. Even a bastard has to have something good about them for an audience to care.
Well, This is a landslide. I'm gonna take some guesses. I don't know Libby's writing enough. She trounced me with a very realistic and visual work. If she can do the characterization in A plus the visuals she did last week, I'm thoroughly impressed.
Also, haven't heard from the reigning champ this week. He always comments and votes. He's been quiet, though that doesn't mean he's in. So here's my guesses.
A Ryan1 B Libby C Screenrider - you give yourself away with the unoriginal jokes....
On behalf of my defense, it took quite a bit of time, research and creative ingenuity to write mine. I'm just bummed I totally missed the fact that it was supposed to be a "comedienne". Oh well. Back to the drawing board! Congrats to the writer of A.
Good job from all who entered - even though I agree A was a deserving victor, I think both B and C showed good signs. It's not an easy task to write in 48 hours, esepcially as we've all got other commitments - and it's better to put yourself our front than to snipe with a few word critique. Call me old fashioned, but I like a bit of character and endeavour (which all contestants have shown) as opposed to bitching, clean hands from the sidelines. Oh, and if you're going to go for snappy soundbite reviews, please make them clever.
As always, great work from Michael for coordinating a great challenge for the benefit of all. Having said that... it must be time to reveal, Mike!
A - A nice flow to it, good characters that hold some attention.
B- I dig some of it because it's set in the Florida Keys. That's as far as that goes. There seems to be a lack of enthusiasm on this. There was some awkwardness in some of the writing as well. I know given the timeframe and doing this stuff to keep one sharp while having fun isn't going to become much, but still...
C- When the mystery entry gets the given logline wrong (comedianne not comedian) and scribes up Denis Leary's comedy act I frown.
Ah, no need for cliffhangers. Looks like Jwent and Dressel already guessed it was me, anyway.
So, I had no intention of entering another one of these for awhile, but then I saw some possibilities in that logline. I wrote this really fast to get it in on time, which explains the fizzled out ending. I just ran out of space and then didn't have time to edit.
It's not much of a story, just two surly characters hurling insults. I tried at the end to give them some redeeming qualities. Anyway, it was fun to write. Thanks for the reads n votes.
When the mystery entry gets the given logline wrong (comedianne not comedian) and scribes up Denis Leary's comedy act I frown.
Get over it, Seeley. Accidents happen.
And in regards to any further complaints that I plagiarised Denis Leary's act -- if your character is Denis Leary then of course you're gonna include some of his comedy bits. I makes perfect sense.
And in regards to any further complaints that I plagiarised Denis Leary's act -- well if your character is Denis Leary then of course you're gonna include some of his comedy bits. I makes perfect sense.
As far as I know, comedians don't go around speaking only in their bits. I'm not trying to be a jerk, moreso explaining why I didn't vote for yours. It lacked creativity and seemed kind of thrown together; like you watched a lot of Comedy Central that night and decided to just use it. I wouldn't go so far as to call it plagiarism though.
And in regards to any further complaints that I plagiarised Denis Leary's act -- if your character is Denis Leary then of course you're gonna include some of his comedy bits. I makes perfect sense.
While you're right in saying there's nothing wrong with having Leary (or the other two actors) as characters, you're off your rock when you say "gotta include his comedy bits". Something wrong with thinking up new comedy bits? They don't have to be great, but even his rants in The Ref or his bit support in Demolition Man, although based or loosely based on his routine, gave him new material.
Also, I read the entries and posted before I read most of the responses, including yours.
As far as I know, comedians don't go around speaking only in their bits. I'm not trying to be a jerk, moreso explaining why I didn't vote for yours. It lacked creativity and seemed kind of thrown together; like you watched a lot of Comedy Central that night and decided to just use it. I wouldn't go so far as to call it plagiarism though.
Personally, I think you've got ulterior motives for saying that.
No hard feelings, buddy.
Quoted from dogglebe
Not yet you do. You plagiarized Leary. If you're going to write him as a character in your piece, you should've written original material for him. Phil
It was an orginal concept, IMO. And no, I didn't plagiarise him. If he's playing himself then he's simply speaking his own words.
Vote for A, B or C
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Showdown #11 Libby vs Michael H - CONGRATULATING
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Congrats to the writer of A. 
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