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The Velvet Song by Alicia M McClendon - Drama, Action, Adventure - After losing her mentor, a young refugee regains her will to live after saving a romantic, traveling doctor from bandits. 97 pages - pdf format
Alicia: You are missing some of the basics right out of the shoot.
Don't put your title on the first page of the script. That's what the title page is for.
FADE IN:
Quoted Text
EXT. WOODLAND-DUSK
The rain pours down mercilessly under the stormy, gray sky...
No need for the opening "The's in your descriptions. Rain pours....
She spots an opening in a tree trunk.
Quoted Text
LEILA Cy, lets get inside.
Cy heads inside first, our protagonist following behind crawling inside.
Inside the tree trunk...
You need a new scene heading here. e.g.,
INT. HOLLOW OF TREE TRUNK - DUSK
or something like that.
Leila takes out a blanket from the sack, Cy snuggling against her underneath the sheet as they listen to the downpour outside.
Quoted Text
CUT TO:
We hear the chirping of birds outside the tree trunk, a fragment of sunlight caressing Leila’s face. Her eyes flicker ope
.
Get rid of all your CUT TOs - you are using them in place of scene headings and using them incorrectly. Time has passed. It is not a cut to. Should be something like:
INT. HOLLOW OF TREE TRUNK - DAWN
Quoted Text
Beside her Cy sleeps like a log. She crawls out the tree trunk, stirring Cy who follows behind.
CUT TO:
No Cut to. Should be:
EXT. WOODLAND-DAWN
You have this problem throughout - using Cut To rather than scene heading. Got to clean that up.
I was very interested to read this script, but I only was able to handle up to three pages. This is completely written incorrectly. There are no periods to end sentences. You have long run-on paragraphs with no break or periods. Storyline, for me, is extremely uninteresting. From the opening scene, you never faded in. But you did "Fade Out" at the end of the scene. Four knights rape a woman. Really? The "Black Knight" is her actual "Knight in shining armor"? I couldn't get past the grammar and phrasing issues with this one.
This script is in desperate need of a re-write, clean up the paragraphs and phrasing. Also, fix the grammar. If you are a first time writer, you may want to read other scripts on this site to see what other writers are submitting, how they phrase their paragraphs, how the grammar is used, and how they format their scripts. I read scripts every day. I have yet to submit my work on this site, but I am close to finally doing it. This isn't personal criticism. It's to help you to become a better script writer. I hope you take all of this in and decide to do a second draft on this script.