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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Velvet Song Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Velvet Song  (currently 92 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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The Velvet Song by Alicia M McClendon - Drama, Action, Adventure - A young woman regains her will to live after she saves a romantic, traveling doctor from bandits. "The Velvet Song" is a coming of age tale about a young woman overcoming her past while fighting for the future of others. 92 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Marty
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Alicia,

Pages 6-14 are missing. Just thought I would let you know so you could fix it.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Alicia: You are missing some of the basics right out of the shoot.

Don't put your title on the first page of the script. That's what the title page is for.

FADE IN:


Quoted Text
EXT. WOODLAND-DUSK

The rain pours down mercilessly under the stormy, gray sky...


No need for the opening "The's in your descriptions. Rain pours....

She spots an opening in a tree trunk.


Quoted Text
LEILA
Cy, lets get inside.

Cy heads inside first, our protagonist following behind
crawling inside.

Inside the tree trunk...


You need a new scene heading here. e.g.,

INT. HOLLOW OF TREE TRUNK - DUSK

or something like that.

Leila takes out a blanket from the sack, Cy snuggling
against her underneath the sheet as they listen to the
downpour outside.


Quoted Text
CUT TO:

We hear the chirping of birds outside the tree trunk, a
fragment of sunlight caressing Leila’s face. Her eyes flicker ope
.

Get rid of all your CUT TOs - you are using them in place of scene headings and using them incorrectly. Time has passed. It is not a cut to. Should be something like:

INT. HOLLOW OF TREE TRUNK - DAWN


Quoted Text
Beside her Cy sleeps like a log. She
crawls out the tree trunk, stirring Cy who follows behind.

CUT TO:


No Cut to. Should be:

EXT. WOODLAND-DAWN

You have this problem throughout - using Cut To rather than scene heading. Got to clean that up.

All the best



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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