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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Santa Monica Boulevard Moderators: bert
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  Author    Santa Monica Boulevard  (currently 151 views)
Don
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Santa Monica Boulevard by Rodriguez Fruitbat - Drama - A washed up Hollywood actor finally gets a shot at redemption, but when his past catches up to him he must choose between his comeback film and the woman who lifted him up. 95 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Just a quick note. This is a rewrite of a script posted here a while back named Houng. Since the title, genre, tone and premise changed Iíve posted it as a new script rather than an update. Sorry if it seems familiar.

Iíd love to hear your feedback!
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Sam
Posted: Yesterday, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rodriguez,

Read it in one sitting, very easy read.
I'll start from the top. I really like your title. I'm from England but even I recognise the connotations that place has. I think hollywood and broken dreams. So good start.  

One of the hurdles I think you'll come across is that this premise has been covered by some very good films before. You have to show us something new. Reading the logline, it doesn't sound like you will but you know what? You do.
I don't think you capture the script in that logline and when you're selling a script to an industry about that industry your logline is even more more important.

I also really like your page count. That may seem trivial but it does indicate a tight script right from the start. I've tried and failed to knock 30 pages from my script because I really want it in the 90 range.

I think you've also got a really relevant film for this time. With the internet, our past is always just a click away. Every bad decision is there to ruin the future no matter how much we change. We see actors fall from grace all the time and it's a really interesting topic to examine.

One area to really add weight to the script in rewrites is by focusing on your premise. Joey is a great  protagonist but at times his actions seem to contradict his character. I didn't get the feeling that he was so hard up for money that he needed to whore himself out. Considering he was such a big actor, this felt unbelievable.  
This is a guy at a low point in his career, making a bad decision out of desperation that ultimately ruins his chances of ever getting what he (thinks) he wants.
That's great, I would watch that. But when we see him already prostituting himself, porn doesn't feel like it was a horrible, life changing choice.
I think this would work better if instead of porn, he was offered a lot of money to make a celebrity sex tape. There isn't any money in porn, it collapsed in the naughties but we have seen sex tapes make some very horrible people rich and ruin lives.
By him making ONE bad decision will carry more weight because it begs the question, can we be forgiven for one, public mistake?

We hear that he is a difficult actor and that's why he is out of work but we don't see it. I think you have a chance for a great opening. Show us him blowing his chances as an actor and then we when we see him living in poverty it would show a great contrast.

I like the choices the characters make at the end. They leave a toxic world for something more natural and real. I think you could let the audience know they have a choice by hinting at another life waiting for them. Maybe they go back to their hometown and realise what real life is like and how good it makes them feel.

I've given you some suggestions and I think its true that nearly all suggestions you get back on a script are wrong so I fully expect my ideas to be bad. But hopefully they demonstrate some of my thoughts while reading it.

Your writing is really economical and clear. Sometimes I got a little lost going into a scene like below.
P6 EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY†
ďALAN SORENSON (50ís), sweating in his cheap suit, jogs to keep up with Joey.Ē
Alan is jogging to keep up but we donít know what joey is doing.
  A few notes.
P33 After the whole Weinstein thing, this scene is pretty ugly. I know joey tells her to leave but by not confronting Alan he becomes complicit in the act. It makes me not like Joey. You could still have this scene but just make Joey disgusted by it and act on it. He could pull a knife on alan and threaten him. You could turn it into a save the cat moment.†
P40 Why did joey get paid if he owes the guy money? Also, the porn industry collapsed after the internet. There isnít any money in it now.†

P43 Is joey not American? Lindsey asked him about before he came to the USA? Also, just before this Lindsey speaks but you wrote the juicers name.

P53 havenít seen evidence that sheís a sex addict.
P60 Has he already done the porno?

After finishing the script I couldn't understand the scene where Joey kills that guy then goes back to find it all cleaned up.

Overall, really enjoyed it. Your characters are messed up and put into difficult situations which kept me wanting to know what happened next. Every character felt real, even the minor ones like the other actors.

Please do ignore my suggestions, it's your script but hopefully they give you some ideas.

If you have any questions, let me know.

Sam






Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: Yesterday, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sam,

Thanks for the detailed notes. You bring up a lot of great points that I agree with. Your feedback will give me a lot to think about!
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