SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 26th, 2018, 8:55am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
The May 2018 Two Week Challenge has been announced!



Send a PM to DanC with the series you intend to write on.

Listing / Research on Series picked thus far

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Family Scripts  ›  The Reachable Moon Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Reachable Moon  (currently 676 views)
Don
Posted: February 4th, 2018, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12288
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Reachable Moon by Sam Lees - Family, Feature - When no one wants to be on ten-year-old Mollie's team for her school's bottle rocket competition, she enlists the help of her granddad, a former NASA engineer. Together, they set their sights a little higher.  117 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: February 4th, 2018, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3522
Posts Per Day
2.52
Really like how you handled the Dad's death - imaginative.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 16
khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2018, 10:17am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
2700
Posts Per Day
0.85
I like children tales so started reading yours and finished it in one sitting.
This was a very enjoyable ride. Some of it is hard to believe but you made me.

I loved all about it - and how you stuck to the characters. Mollie and Jess didn't give up a single time. I loved it when Jess said she told on Mollie even when she fooled everyone, myself included. It's hard to keep with with a character like that and you did.
Also, you filled the tale with very sharp unexpected turns and it felt wonderful.

I have a couple questions/reservations:
1. Didn't like it when Sarah said that the Grandpa dropped Mollie.
2. Don't like the fact that Simon was stupid - and they admit it. And you always emphasize the fact that Mollie is not smart at all. Mollie even admits she knows it. That threw me off.
3. Sarah never steps into the garage? That should be explained, I think.
4. A rocket takes place, the garage is supeer oversized or something. Need to bring that up.
5. A rocket, a real one needs much more funds than just something for 40,000. Either that or you need to explain where they got the parts. Possibly an old car or something?

I wish someone picks it up. It's really worth of being filmed. Great job!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
Sam
Posted: February 5th, 2018, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
22
Posts Per Day
0.06
Thanks for the kind words Eldave1.

Khamanna, thank you for reading the whole thing. i'm honestly touched.
It's funny you mention the believability because as i started writing it i realised how hard it is to write a story about something that is literally impossible. That sounds so simple and i should have known better but i spent many a nights wondering "how the hell can they do it?".

Thanks for jotting down some notes, very useful.
1. I thought i might be a nice little joke but you know, my girlfriend hates that line as well.
2. Thats an interesting catch. Simon was never meant to be stupid. I was trying to get Phillip to make the point to Mollie that people who seem smart are usually just very hard working. I'll go back to this and look at it.
3. Sarah mentions to Nick that she thinks their building a rocket for a school project and doesn't want to intrude. you're right though, it is odd. I always planned on putting some near misses with her nearly finding out but the script was getting longer and longer and longer. But you are right.
4. Good point. I based their house on my sisters house which has a large garage at the bottom of the garden, big enough for a rocket. another good catch.
5. a few drafts ago i did explain it but i do tend to get a bit heavy handed with the cuts. Nothing is safe! Also, in the first draft it was an old car they turn into a rocket but it was too hard to make believable. Great minds.

Can't thank you enough for reading my script. Means a lot. If you have anything you want me to read or anyone you want beating up just let me know (i have three sisters so... pretty tough).

If anyone wants to do a script exchange just let me know.

Sam


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
khamanna
Posted: February 6th, 2018, 5:27am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
2700
Posts Per Day
0.85
Sure, Sam, I'm glad the read was of help.


Quoted from Sam
anyone you want beating up just let me know (i have three sisters so... pretty tough).


Sam

You're very nice, thanks! I have two sisters, so I know. Us growing up together is an unforgettable experience. I'll let you know.

About the script read I don't have anything. But I like to write about children, and in a whole, I like family movies. So I may have something sometimes... And I'll keep you in mind. Meanwhile, if you need a read on something else, let me know. I really liked this one.
I have a feature about an 11year old boy myself. But I rewrote it several times and submitted to a competition already, so no read needed. It's very family as well.
It's funny, you're a guy and wrote about a girl, and I wrote about a boy.

good luck to you with this script.

Khamanna
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
Sam
Posted: February 6th, 2018, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
22
Posts Per Day
0.06
Next time you would like a read of something let me know.
I don't really have anything else. This is my first feature.

Thanks again.
Sam


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
FrankM
Posted: February 7th, 2018, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
326
Posts Per Day
1.94
Read though it and don't have anything major to add beyond what Khamanna said. Good, evocative writing there.

I agree that there needs to be a wee bit of explanation about the fuel-less rocket. Not how it works, just that it's a breakthrough and doesn't need all that heavy fuel. Might be able handwave a really powerful ion drive.

My take was that the critical rocket components came from NASA with a Five Finger Discount. Seems like a stretch, but it's a family movie

NASA would not have sent a lone astronaut on a lunar mission, so there needs to be at least a second astronaut that the news always mention alongside Simon.

I think some kind of welder would make a better necessary tool than a nailgun.

After the "we all knew" admission that the kids knew about Simon, that makes Jess seem a lot meaner in retrospect. Maybe she forgot when she warned about crashing the rocket, but she should have remembered just as Mollie flew off the handle. The reaction could be cryptic to someone watching for the first time, but I think it should be there.

Overall, I'd love to see this get made.


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
Sam
Posted: February 7th, 2018, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
22
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi FrankM,
Thanks a lot for reading and giving notes. It's a big ask to want people to give up their time to help out so i really appreciate it.

Your notes are really useful because i could never really know the level of information to put in a script because i already know what really happened. It's so useful to have another set of eyes on it.

In earlier drafts i included more information on how the rocket got there and what makes it special but then a few drafts later and i started cutting like a madman.

You're right about the "five finger discount' but this is definitely a story thread i need to revisit and flesh out.

The welder is a good idea. I was trying to think of an expensive tool that would suit their needs and be found in a garage. When i was writing it, i never really liked them using the word "gun" even in this context.

Another good catch with the Jess comment. The fact that they all knew was something i put in later and i didn't realise the harsh connotations her comments would then have. It's funny what small changes can make to seemingly unrelated scenes.

Thanks again. If you have anything else you would like me to read please let me know.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
Dustin
Posted: February 8th, 2018, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4734
Posts Per Day
2.68
When I need to know what a story lacks or has too much of, I write a treatment. A treatment is every scene summarised in a few lines. This enables you to look at the entire screenplay much more quickly, and this will make any issues more glaring. Each draft will require a fresh treatment.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
FrankM
Posted: February 8th, 2018, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
326
Posts Per Day
1.94

Quoted from Dustin
When I need to know what a story lacks or has too much of, I write a treatment. A treatment is every scene summarised in a few lines. This enables you to look at the entire screenplay much more quickly, and this will make any issues more glaring. Each draft will require a fresh treatment.


Let's see...

Eminently reasonable advice about treatments. - Check
From a reliable source who knows about treatments. - Check
Incompatible with all previous eminently reasonable and reliably sourced advice on treatments. - Check

(If you can't tell from my frazzled appearance and differently-sized pupils, I've recently been trying to teach myself how to write one of those.)


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
Dustin
Posted: February 8th, 2018, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4734
Posts Per Day
2.68

Quoted from FrankM


Let's see...

Eminently reasonable advice about treatments. - Check
From a reliable source who knows about treatments. - Check
Incompatible with all previous eminently reasonable and reliably sourced advice on treatments. - Check

(If you can't tell from my frazzled appearance and differently-sized pupils, I've recently been trying to teach myself how to write one of those.)


I think most just get this wrong. A treatment is what you do/use to cure something. So is after the fact. I suppose, technically, one could be writing a treatment of their idea, but I was raised on the belief that anything that comes before writing the story is a story plan.

I make story plans in my head. I then write in a semi-organic way. Once the story is down - many like to call this a vomit draft, for good reason - then this is the time to write a treatment. Essentially, a script medical. You have to do this yourself.

Feedback is great and can help, but many writers tend to follow advice because they believe this will make their story more saleable. IMO, this is not logical. Following that advice will merely make the script more saleable to the person giving the advice - who has no intention of ever investing anything other than an opinion. Things get worse when other readers - having read the previous advice - then mimic what the previous reviewer has said, helping to further cement the bullshit, making it a truth. A 'truth' that you can spend wasted hours believing in and rewriting to suit.

This is why I shy away from giving story advice. It's not for me to tell you what makes a great story, it's for you to tell me.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
Sam
Posted: February 9th, 2018, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
22
Posts Per Day
0.06
Solid advice Dustin, thanks.
Another set of eyes on a piece of work will always throw up things the writer could never see.
For example, Frank said

"NASA would not have sent a lone astronaut on a lunar mission, so there needs to be at least a second astronaut that the news always mention alongside Simon."

In my mind this was never the case and he was part of a team. I thought it was obvious and so it was never on my radar to fix.
Hearing how a reader interpreted my story is always enlightening, if not sometimes puzzling and depressing.

Regarding your thoughts on feedback i think i agree and disagree with you. It can be harmful when you disfigure a script to suit someones off the cuff comment about a character or plot point. Nearly all suggestions are awful but they can help you identify an over looked problem.

I always welcome story advice. I'm not writing for myself, i'm writing for an audience and i need to know what they think. Otherwise, i'm writing and assuming the affect it has on a reader rather than knowing.

Anyway, thanks again for the comment.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
eldave1
Posted: February 9th, 2018, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3522
Posts Per Day
2.52

Quoted from Dustin
When I need to know what a story lacks or has too much of, I write a treatment. A treatment is every scene summarised in a few lines. This enables you to look at the entire screenplay much more quickly, and this will make any issues more glaring. Each draft will require a fresh treatment.


Do this as well.

I use Final Draft and it's pretty easy just to cut and paste info from the scene index cards and as such it allows you to kind of draft a rough treatment as you go. Any thing works though (WORD. etc.).

Also do a special treatment related to time. e.g., opening scene is DAY 1. Next scene is NIGHT 2, etc. It's just helpful going through it that way to see if the chronology makes sense.

Anyway - I do recommend treatments. They do help to find issues.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: February 17th, 2018, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
86
Posts Per Day
0.05
Sam, you mentioned that this was your first script? Nice work, you're already a way better writer than I will ever be.

I really enjoyed the story and the characters. I had a couple of thoughts that you can either take or leave:

I initially thought this was a space-race era movie about the first person to the moon. The line “haven’t they already sent a monkey into space” reinforced this to me. Maybe hint early on that this is present day. (Like refer to a laptop, cell phone, current event or something)

Characters are very believable and the dialogue feels natural.

“True, and maybe it was a little unfair he didn't get laughed at as well. Can you think of anything else?” seems a bit harsh coming from a teacher, especially now days.

It feels like the kids just generally help with the ship and what they actually do isn't really clear. Do they each have special skills or duties that can make it seem like they are really contributing more?

The transition back to Mollie at the end seemed really quick after the climax. Maybe a slight bit of breathing room? A transitional shot?

Was the extra space suit already in the ship?

One person mentioned the events were hard to believe, but I think with the quirky humor that you threw in it's easy to suspend that disbelief.

Nice work, this was a very easy and engaging read.

MINOR NOTES:

Page 16 “Whats” should be "what's"

Page 17 “Wont” should be "won't"

Page 32 “I know where I below” should be "Belong."

Page 38 “its” should be “it’s”

Page 46 “Ian, ate an egg mayonnaise sandwich in the boys' toilets because of you.
That's disgusting.” Remove comma after Ian.

Page 55. “Any sign of life?. Over.” Remove extra period after question mark.



Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
FrankM
Posted: February 17th, 2018, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
326
Posts Per Day
1.94
Oh, one mistake that I found funny was when Ian corrected Amy about saying "Over." after "Roger." Turns out that Amy was right, but most people don't know that "Roger" is shorthand for "I received your last message satisfactorily. Over." It's probably not worth the effort to have Phillip correct them, just let them have their own pretend radio rules.


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Family Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006