I enjoyed this story a great deal.  It was fun to read, very visual, and with a good ending.

The only major fault I had with it was that it was too damn wordy.  If you were to tighten up all your descriptions--and remove all the CUT TO's, this script would probably be reduced from twelve pages to eight.  Minor problems would include your headers:

Quoted Text EXT. MAIDEN DANCING AROUND IN A CIRCLE -- AFTERNOON. SUNNY

should read:

Quoted Text EXT.  FOREST - DAY

The rest of the info goes in your scene descriptions.

A rewrite would definitely help this script as it is a good one.


Phil

Hey! Just finished reading your entry and while I think the story is good enough, what makes it hard to read is the over-descriptive elements. Have you considered writing a novel or short story? You're a good writer but being too descriptive in a screenplay is unnecessary. The idea is to be crisp and short.

All in all, you clearly have an imagination and can put it on the page but i would suggest trying to edit more.

Good luck!

Very wordy and dense. I had a hard time getting through this. I had to go back and re-read sentences or paragraphs.

The use of Violet speaking O.S. passed by me. After two pages, I went back and was looking for some kind of description for her... I didn't find one, and that's when I realized that the O.S. probably should have been V.O. I could be wrong. This is a unique situation, but whenever I see O.S. I assume that the person is there, physically, just outside the frame of the camera (ie in another room etc.). Anyway.

Perhaps it was that you lost me in the dense action blocks, but I had a hard time following the story here. There was a lot of talking at first, then some action, but I missed it. Perhaps I have ADHD, but trying to follow along with each and every blink or twitch got tiresome [I'm exaggerating a little about the blinking... ]

The characters were somewhat forgettable. I really liked the old bookstore though. Somewhere in your epistle you said something about the bookstore growing organically over the years. I did like that particular line.

I never really had a sense of horror in this. Fantasy - yes. Horror? Not so much.

Pros

Imaginative and atmospheric. Mixes suspense and fantasy quite well.

Some decent set pieces.

Interesting visual mix of fantasy and suspense/horror.

Ambitious. Good effort.

Cons.

Little bit long-winded for the simple twist ending. Although there was a significant body of story in terms of length, it lacked narrative and dramatic drive because it was something that had already happened.

The fantasy back story slowed the narrative drive of the contemporary suspense story. Two different moods battling for supremacy.

I took a look at this one based on a few comments.
It seems the author has an eye for detail best suited to short fiction or novels.
However, if they are genuinely interested in learning the craft of screenwriting...
you will not do much better than the fine contributing members here for material.

I got the feeling the author is a movie fan, very keen eye for framing.
I like the eyes peering at Smith from twixt the shelves, nice stuff.

Congrats on getting this done for the OWC.
If you like the process, learn format and let the adventure begin.

E.D.

this slug EXT. MAIDEN DANCING AROUND IN A CIRCLE -- AFTERNOON. SUNNY should probably be EXT. MEADOW - DAY.
And then give us "Maiden dance around in a circle" in a description perhaps.

on page 9 you have "You see" when in several places I saw "We see" - I think if you decided to include "we see" or "you see" you should stick with one. But many would advise with neither one.

You have a lot of He, She here and you did not introduce your characters properly. It's important that you do.

This tale gave me shrills. It was easy to follow despite the writing. I agree with others on the writing. But I liked the story, the way it's developed, the transitions between past and present.

I think you have to rewrite it with attention on writing but not touch the story.

*Spoilers*

Pros:

There are some interesting visuals in this.  

I like the organic, maze like feel of the bookstore.  Also enjoyed the quirky way that Violet disappeared and reappeared while she told the tale.  

Depending how it's handled, the cut-aways between "present day" and the book's tale could also make for some interesting visuals.  Nice how you throw out a few subtle hints that Smith is a priest, though not revealing it until the end.  The description of Bob's corpse is nice, as well - probably my favorite description in the story.

Cons:

For me, much too wordy.  The camera directions pulled me away from the story.  I found myself lost in the lengthy scene descriptions, which just took away from the impact of the tale, and wore me down.  My suggestion: streamline this considerably....and see where it goes from there!

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – Without reading a word I’m see big blocks of text that put me off straight away. Also I see a “CUT TO:”, and then see “.” used in the scene headings, which is likely a problem in spec script format. If I was a pro-reader I think I’d throw this away immediately, let’s see if I’d be wrong to do so.

Having read the first page I’d say there is a good bet this is a pisstake. If I’m wrong I apologize.

Pg 12 – Having looked over this I see a potentially entertaining story not told very well.

If you are a new writer you have a suspicious ability to press all the wrong buttons, but I wish you luck with learning the craft.


Philip

Well my goodness, the thick blocks of text certainly do not hinder your ability to tell a good story.

*Don’t use quote marks in a script, unless you feel like living on the edge.  

The following slug goes down in my personal history as being one of the most interesting ones I've seen.

EXT. EADRIC RIDING ALONG WITH HIS BAND OF MEN – AFTERNOON



One of the most interesting slugs I’ve ever read.

Can you please tell me what the message was that turned up as code?

[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{Â ̆A ̆A}INTOPREAMBLE]WITCH#3 "Where doomsday may thunder and
lighten"

Good title. Good logline. Good story.

Sandra

I'm going to guess that you are a short story writer taking a first leap into screenwriting.  The wordy action blocks give it away.  Think "visual".  This was visual but you you could have done it in half the words.  

You created a cool atmosphere but I feel the meat of your story is buried.  Best way to learn screenwriting is to read a lot of screenplays.  Just remember to keep your action lean.  That way it moves along quickly and your story and characters will shine.

Nice job though...keep it up.

Decent story all around but...

Well everyone else has pretty much sumed it up. Large blocks of text, very wordy, simple mistakes that can be easily corrected with patience and some study.

Well done completing the OWC

Shawn.....><

There isn't really much of a storyline here.  You basically have an unseen character retelling a myth while a man walks through a bookstore.  Your visuals "coming alive" on the pages of the book are interesting, but your main character here is the man in the bookstore and you give us no reason to care about him.  He is not interesting.  My feeling is that this character needs to be fleshed out and you need to do more showing rather than telling, using your interesting visuals to tell the story rather than just having the voice recite it.