Okay, so I've read through the script. Here goes:
SPOILERS......
FORMATTING:Format is good. Nothing really wrong that I can see. There are a few spelling mistakes throughout, but nothing that really stands out. Mostly things like "to" instead of "two" etc..etc...
Only suggestion I could put forth is some of your descriptions could be chopped down a little. There are a couple of one sentance paragraphs, you could maybe squeeze them together (keeping them under 4 sentances total).
Descriptions and passages are all good and concise. Good job.
Oh...I've just spotted the name "HANSEN" a few times. I believe you are referring to "SANDERS". You'll need to switch that out!
STORY/SETUP:The main problem with the story is a common problem that many writers and amateur writers have....lack of a main character. The main character guides us through the script from beginning to end. We learn, feel, react and experience the movie through them (on the most part...there are some ensamble pieces and movies where the main character is not a person). I felt that there was not a clear protagonist.
For example:You open with Sanders and Grover. First 10 pages to be precise. So, I was thinking they would be the characters we would follow throughout - but they disappear on page 10, only to return on page 62. From page 10 onwards, we follow the kids, but even there we do not see a clear protagonist emerge. Even though Lucy emerges as seemingly the main character at the climax and at the resolution.
Possible Solution:Look at developing your main character and build the story around them (most likely candidate is Lucy). I felt a little thrown of with Sanders and Grover.
The next issue is the plot. It's hard to develop something different on a tired genre. Even though you have tried putting your own style onto this story, it still seems common. Like I've seen it before, you know? I'm thinking along the lines of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House Of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Wrong Turn to name a few. In order to stand out from those, you need to come up with a unique twist. When you are trying to sell an idea to a producer who will read your work, the first thing they'll ask is "what's the hook". What is yours? What makes it different than the movies I've listed above?
Possible Solution:You could work on developing ED and his Diner. Work on creating a close-knit community to place the script in. Work with it, play with it. There is potential there.
First 10-Pages...I'm a FIRM believer that the first 10 pages need to do the following:
1. Excite the reader, grab them, draw them in for the long haul.
2. An memorable first scene. It doesn't have to be a $10 million shot...but hook us in!
3. Introduce the protagonist and their needs.
I found that with your first 10 pages, there was a lot of dialogue with nothing given to us to want us to beg for more. I understand why you had the dialogue at the diner, and the opening scene. But it could be worked on a little.
Possible Solution:Expand the opening scene. You have a chance for something there. It's good - but make it great. Create something that grabs our attention from that opening line. Wow us. Then maybe introduce your main character for the next pages. Maybe start with the kids before moving onto the sheriff etc..etc..
CHARACTERS:As I mentioned above, there is a clear lack of a main character. Is it Lucys movie? Sanders? Ed? Grover? If you work on that, that will give you a big boost.
Possible Solution:As I mentioned before, work on a main character (or 2 if strongly needed), then create the characters to either help him/her or oppose their main goal.
Develop your characters more. I never got a feel for most of them. I couldn't connect with any of the kids or the sheriff. I picked up on Sanders pretty quickly, which was good and I think Ed is a strong character - congrats! Ray and Potato Sack don't need anymore major development, but some background info would be great. The 3rd-Act turn in Grover was seemingly out of nowhere. There was nothing leading up to it, it's just like a new character. I'm not sure if you purposly did that - but it seems out of character. I think it also doesn't help that they disappeared for 40-50 minutes. Same with the kids - they seem to be there just to be there. You do have some character development with them, but nothing that forwards the movie along convincingly. Don't make the fodder, make them characters that we don't want to see dead (or care).
Possible Solution:As I said, develop the characters a little more. Place them in situations or conversations that forward the movie along and show us more about them. The main characters should have a flaws, just as much as attributes and abilities. Develop them!
DIALOGUE:Dialogue is pretty good actually. There is a little exposition in the 3rd act, and some out-of-character speeches too. I think if you re-develop some characters, make sure to go over their dialogue after.
Good job!
BELIEVABLILTY/CONTINUITY:Here's some things I wrote down as I read:
1. The first action event begins around page 28. That may be too late and it's completely out of nowhere. We don't have a feel for the characters involved yet, so that doesn't help.
2. Where did Josh go once they are captured? Either I've missed that, or it's a big omission. Here is another chance to add some thrills.
3. The girls are naked for a good portition of the 2nd act. It may actually work against you to have them like that for that amount of time...especially what they get involved in during that time.
4. Sanders and Grover finding the girls in the graveyard. Unfortunately, it's too convenient at the moment. Those two finding the girls works, I think you just need get them there another way.
5. Sanders and Grover dozing off at the clinic. Not sure they would do that...even in a small town (that's just my opinion).
6. They wouldn't leave the girls unattended, especially after something like this. There would atleast be one cop overlooking them while the rest head to Ed's Diner.
7. The character change in Grover is unbelievable. I'm sorry, it's just so out of left field. Work on his character to nullify that. The speech on pages 74-75 need work.
8. Is there a background story to the town? Ed seems to have a history, same with Grover. That needs worked on!
9. The 3rd Act seems to have the biggest breakdown. I'm not a fan of the reaction of the police force and the events that follow...just my opinion.
10. Don't like the overall ending. Not sure what doesn't click - it's just boom, boom, boom, everyone is dead. Cut back on the deaths and get some tension in there. This is where our main character is supposed to excel and truimph (or fail) or where you, the writer gives us a mind-blowing twist or shock.
OVERALL:There is a story here and I think you can pull it off. It just needs a few more re-writes. It's a little slow to start, so maybe add a little action in the first act...setting up the 2nd and 3rd. It's a worn genre, so you need to make it original and complete with hooks, twists and good characters. Once you find out who you want the main character to be, that will help the feeling of the reader wandering through the story.
Dialogue is good, which is where a lot of writers stumble. Try to move away from the the 3rd act you have right now...you have a chance to make a thrilling ending, right now it's just a senseless action packed murder spree...
Overall - well done. It's definitely not bad...and you have the bases of a good script. It just needs worked on...move away from the tired storyline and try to add some twists, hooks, and tension to the script.
Phew! I'm done.
I hope you appreciate the words...and as I always tell people...this is only my OPINION on the script. Take it or leave it. Nothing I say is personal, only written to help the author on future projects.
Finally...
well done! Writing a screenplay isn't easy!