This script was good. I agree with a post that says about the messing around of the main characters. Choose one, and stick to it. Potato sack kinda reminded me of Leatherface. Maybe he's supposed to, maybe he isn't supposed to. But he did. Maybe something you should look at.

Overall, a good reccomendation for readers.

THECHILLMAN - Out

Sorry it took so long to get to this, James.

You're working in a tone and genre that I really enjoy, so that was a big plus for me.  I think it's a bit ballsy, in a way, to write a script like this, and I'm glad that you did.  

SPOILERS PROBABLE

For me, I just don't think there was enough originality to it.  As MacDuff stated, the idea of the close knit community and the sheriff should probably be explored a little more.  The character change of the sheriff seems ridiculous...it's not foreshadowed at all, and it really threw me off.  

You follow, to an extent, the Wes Craven ideology of turning the killers into victims, using, generally speaking, a Last House on the Left kind of plotline (although you create a clearer protagonist).  Because most of the stuff that you have in this script, we've seen before, from Potato Sack type characters to unwitting cannibalism to the three brothers who murder people together, this familiar plotline fits the script well.  I think that it is the sheriff's story that can be the hook in this one.  

If he's built up as a slightly bigger character, and we have this tight-knit community, and he's kind of a sicko/maniac in his own right, that's an interesting little subplot - he'll do anything to maintain the town.  I think that should be built up a little more, and maybe beefed up especially in his confrontation of Ed.  The setup for the relationship between him and Ed is nice, but there wasn't really any payoff.

Speaking of no payoff, Sanders didn't really have much of a point.  I was expecting great things out of him during the climax, or at least for him to be a more central part of the story, as the big city cop coming to a small town, but really he just waffled around for a while and then got sawed.  I think his importance in the story could be brought up as well, making him and the sheriff more central characters (as his unique outside perspective of Grover and the community is the perfect viewpoint for the audience, who are also new to the community).  

Oh another thing I thought was that, as Lucy become the obvious protagonist late, you would benefit from showing a bigger reason for her change.  It seems like she's the TCB badass (well, as badass as you can be bound gagged and naked) from the second she wakes up.  What about this.  They wake up, and Josh is still in the room, just on his way to getting dragged to be beheaded...he puts up such a struggle that finally Potato Sack gives up and kills him in some awful way, right there on the stairs.  This gives us a chance to see Lucy become a little more jaded, and also almost see her fortitude...she's not planning on going the same way.  

Um...lesse...the splatterfest at the end was all a little mundane, I thought.  I appreciate your desire to just kill everyone, and god knows it's important to keep the blood running down the screen, but I thought the ending could have been a lot more interesting, whether that meant more unusual kills, more tension, or more of an escalation at the end.  If nothing else, it seemed a bit ridiculous that all these police with guns got killed by one guy with a saw.

I will say that this was enjoyable, and you have a knack for the tone, that's for sure.  I think that you've got a solid foundation here, but it still needs to be worked on.  Good work in accomplishing your first two drafts, and I hope I've helped a bit in getting it to where you want it to be.  

P.S. I see now that you had already worked on the character of the sheriff.  Personally, I think you need to change him more.  

Thanks for the comments, Heretic.

I do realize that originality is an issue of the script. Writing this, I was more focused on creating an original interpretation rather than concept. Nevertheless, the hook was intended to be the diner and the fact that the cannibals in the story weren't the killers but the hapless townspeople who had no idea what they were doing. After re-reading the third act, I've realized that I really don't think it works at all, especially since I don't think the sheriff can be developed enough without taking away from the girls' story or him becoming the main character himself rather than Lucy. So I've rewritten a large portion of the third act and have cut down both the sheriff and Sanders down. The majority of the third act now takes place at the diner and the two cops now serve a different purpose. This also gave me a chance to have one of the female characters overcome a "fatal flaw."

As to Lucy's character change, the idea was that she already saw Potato Sack take Josh upstairs. I didn't want to show it because I thought it'd be more effective and suspenseful to have the characters' first moments in the basement listening to Potato Sack working upstairs. She wasn't really intended to have a plan either. I thought of her expressions as more of showing how she is remaining strong and trying not to give into dispair like Spence or Kimmy. What happens upstairs is simply intended to be her immediate, instinctual reaction to what is being done to her.

I think finally I've heard enough about the final scene and am going to try to make it more suspenseful and have more of a build. Suspense is something I tried to maintain throughout the script so I'll try to work more on the events before Potato Sack comes out from the basement or even before the cops bust in. I've also been trying to think of something more interesting, original, and, well, worse than a saw, which is something I just sort of settled on.

And finally, I've decided to unmask Potato Sack to break away from that aspect of TCM or anything else in that vein. He's just Bo now.

Again, thanks for the comments. The change I've made in the script as of late has been very drastic so it probably needs to be worked on a little since it's different from what I initially had as a third act.

James,
I am reading your script. I will post my review sometime with in the next couple of days.
(p.s. I know i've been gone for a long time but this is normal, I will do this often.)

James,
I am 20 pgs. in and I am having the same problem with this, that I had with Wolf Creek, theres alot of character development, and I dont like the characters. More soon.

Just finished reading this.  I think that the story is interesting, I've seen it several times before in numerous 80's horror films.  Motel Hell as mentioned above is one.  I like the serial killer angle, I think the irony works.  The suggestion about having the documentary forcused on the victims is a good one, or another idea is to keep it focused on the killers and by the end of the movie, Lucy becomes one.
The story could be her decent into madness.
The main character should go through a slow change or character arch through the movie and as it stands now, Lucy really doesn't go through one.  
It could be an interesting story if re-worked a little bit.  
I don't like the fact that they are visiting Ed Gein's house, and then the butcher is named Ed.  That could be a bit confusing.
Also, I thought Plainsville was in Michagan or Wisconson.  Are there swamps up there?

Anyone care to give this another read? I'm thinking about writing another script and I'd like to have this at a place in which I'm satisfied before moving on.

I'll offer a review in exchange (of course).

I'll read this at some point if you wouldn't mind taking a look at a script I'm writing. It's not done yet but it should be up here soon (a month or so) so if you would agree to read that when i post it ill give this read. Heck, I'll give this a read anyway as it sounds interesting but I would appreciate your read in the future. My script is a horror of sorts although it's a lot slower paced and isn't really a gore  fest as alot of horror stuff is (more of a supernatural drama I guess). I like to think of it as something close to an M. Night Shyamalan movie or the others (if its not your style and you don't think you could read through it don't worry). Anyway, I'll get to reading your script either tonight or tomorrow and post any feedback that I have, let me know if you'd be interested in reading mine when it's up
thanks alot
_matt

Thanks, Matt.

Gothic/supernatural horror's not really my style but as long as something's written well, chances are I'll enjoy it regardless. Let me know when your script is up so I can give it a read.

I started it but my home computer was having issues, it's been doing weird stuff the past couple of days so I didn't get the chance to finish it. I'm at college now so I'll read it tomorrow as I have an open day then and I'll get feedback out to you. Sorry it's going to be later than you said
thanks
-Matt


im actually reading it through now, sorry it took me so long to get around to it, back at school now so i had classes, ill have it done by this afternoon, 10 pages in and its pretty good so far. i like the dialogue, seems to be realistic, full review coming later on
thanks

pg27 - you're missing a word "as dissapears behind the door" i think you're missing he
i dont know if this is a must or just a suggestion but i thought you were supposed to put anything in caps that you want attention drawn to, for example you have lots of sounds mixed in with your descriptions that should be drawn out in some way. If you like it the way you wrote it and no one has suggested otherwise then I guess you can ignore my suggestion. It would make your action paragraphs alot easier to read though so maybe something to consider.
pg52-ed's name is shown twice even though he's continuing to speak and nothing is in between
pg70 - spelling mistake, unless im mistaken its not supposed to be writes on the floor

okay, so those are the only mistakes i found formatting or spelling wise. As for the story, I thought that it was generally pretty good. I see that you took other peoples advice and finally focused on one character (Lucy) and it works throughout the story. However, I still didn't really get a feel as for why they were doing this stuff. You didn't really explain why Ray and Ed decided to get into this meat buisiness. It just happened. It would make a good horror movie as there were some scary moments and some good gore scenes. I still think that the plot needs a little bit of work, maybe a back story about the town, I think you said you wrote one but I don't see it included. 92 pages is short for a script as is so a few more scenes wouldn't hurt it. Overal though the script sets out to do what you said it would. The characters aren't stupid in and the messes they are in aren't of their making and like I said it could turn out as pretty scary. Work on giving the killers more of a motive though. As for the ending though, this is just a suggestion but I think you could have one more scene. I don't remember what happened to the video camera but it would be cool if the police found it and the last scene was the video filmed with Ed's speech and him saying "Hi, I'm Ed and I make burgers". That would make for a more disturbing and effective ending. The ending you have for me is just too soon. Obviously you don't have to take my suggestion but I feel it needs more of a wrap up especially since it's almost identical to an ending of a recent horror movie that come out that I know you saw.
okay, hope my comments are helpful
-Matt

Thanks for the feedback, Matt.

About the ending, most horror films of the 70s (TCM, The Last House On The Left, The Hills Have Eyes), many of which inspired this script, end abruptly (usually after the characters escape or the last bad guy is killed off). I always felt that these kinds of endings were more so satisfying than "softer" endings that kind of drag the third act out a tad too much.

And I do believe I wrote a backstory to the town. Ed explains to the cops that the town was started by Quakers and that after a while, non-Quakers, including himself moved in.

Other than that, I like your suggestion about the villain's motives. Character development wasn't my area of expertees prior to this script but I learned a lot as I went along. I may go on to further develop some of the villains later on but as of now, I'm satisfied with the script as is and, for the moment, am going to "abandon" it, if you will to move on to my third script.

Thanks again. Let me know when your script's posted and I'll be sure to give my own feedback.

I read the script. First I would like to quote a large phrase that Im not critizing but I liked.

Bo finally
shocks him with the cattle prod rendering him temporarily
incapacitated

I liked that. It reminded me of a friend. K. On with the review:

I know its a horror film but the violence was way too intense like on page 29-30. I am certinly not against gore kills, thats just a little too extreme. It reminds me of the heart eating scene in Jason Goes To Hell.


I think the killer could have had a better motive too. Its like ehhh there but not plauseable. Overall I would have liked it but it was too strong with the gore.

Hey I am really interested in reading this but it's not allowing me to open it. Why is that?

That happens from time to time, I think. Just try again.