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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Graveyard by Malcom Bowman (scoob) - Horror - An insecure young man accepts a security job at a desolate warehouse only to inadvertently lead his friends into a night of terror.  91 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SimplyScripts  -  May 11th, 2014, 2:36pm
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Scoob
Posted: November 14th, 2009, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting my script, appreciate it greatly.

This is probably the most vile, vulgar, over-the-top-cartoonish kinda horror script I have written, and I'm not sure my hastily-drunken written logline really gives too much away in what happens here.

I've been writing this for over a year and a half, and have never been satisfied with it for one reason or another. I just didnt like the feel of it, didnt like the characters, the plot was lame ect.

I've constantly rewritten bits here and there to try and make it work. Then, I left it for months to just die a death on the heap where all my other crapfests linger and die.

I read over it and amazingly, I didnt mind it! I was entertained. It was bizarre but quirky. The thing I liked most about it was I hated it so much I liked it!

Basically, this has been a work in progress for ages and I think I have finished it. It's hard to tell how many drafts I have written so there is none on the title page because I have written so many.

You always have to be proud or pleased with your work to put it on here and I think I am with this. I also cant see the woods from the trees as I have been always looking at this thing from time to time so maybe my perception is a lot different than someone else coming in and reading it. Which is why I posted it, in the hope to get some fresh perspective and what you think of this. I've been reading and writing it too long.

I'll finish by just saying 130 pages go really quick here! It's never a 2 hour 10 min movie, and you have to give way for simple descriptions, surely!

Anywho, hope someome might give this a go. It's bizarre, horrific, possibly disturbing and a slasherfest to look forward to

To try and compare, I'd say it's like a demented Sunset Beach meets House Of A 1000 Corpses. Only it's in the UK.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Scoob  -  November 14th, 2009, 3:58am
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Muse32
Posted: November 19th, 2009, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was a really interesting script, well paced and very disturbing.

***SPOILER ALERT***

All that stuck in my mind mostly was the ending, at times I had the feeling of what was going to happen then as the pages counted down, you totally changed the dynamic of it and give it that big twist. Really paid off, loved the beheading of Martin, was shocking but amusing afterwards following the dialogue, which in fairness did water the atmosphere down a bit.

The death scenes were very suspensful and interesting, and always had you on edge, I thought the death of Danielle (might be wrong) was quite brutal, making her beg to a God that doesnt exist, nice touch!

There is a lot of overwriting I'm sure you're aware of, as a reader it helps create the picture but as someone picking at it, it had a lot of things that didn't really need to be in there, which I'm probably sure you know

Overall, I really enjoyed the script... but it is very extreme, especially the ending. I think they're are parts that could be cut out, some little chats with (Nasty) Nick, but
I guess thats up to the director and editors really. Oh yeah, the dialogue was very amusing, "sound as a pound" ah man, I remember saying that in college loads, you got a lot of good english banter in their mate

I'd give it 9/10 mate. the build up really paid off in this which boosted it from a possble 7.5 to the 9


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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malcolm3
Posted: November 19th, 2009, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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Scoob,
I'm off work today and could use a read. I'll be happy to give this one a go.
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Muse32
Posted: November 19th, 2009, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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I read through this the past few days, on the way and back from work lol and had to hide my phone from people behind me so they couldnt read some of the obscene scenes... but I have to say, it was worth the read.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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malcolm3
Posted: November 19th, 2009, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Scoob,

Pages 1 – 6 I thought you set the opening up really well. I was immediately drawn in and couldn’t fault the opening scenes with Kieron and Sophie.

Page 7 – 10 Still ok, but the duologue between Martin and Vince is a little too much. I appreciate Vince is explaining the job, but it still needs to be cut down.

Page 10 shouldn’t pillok be pillock?

Pages 11 – 19 Still ok, you’ve established Martin’s character nicely and we’re getting an insight into Nick.

Pages 19 – 22 We learn more about Martin further establishing his character and Liam is introduced. All characters at the moment are well defined and easily identifiable.

While I’m in the area Page 22 – Beers you bought for me and s***-Mobile would be better.

Pages 22 – 24 Martin gets drawn further into Nick’s world, acting subordinate.

Pages 25 – 29 The nightclub scene. This was well written.
Simple as that. You’ve managed to introduce most of the remaining characters and establish a bit of a grudge for Julian and some minor interest for Liam by Kaz.

Pages 30 – 31 We further establish Martin’s relationship with Liam and Liam’s relationship with Jennifer. We also get an insight into what Jennifer wants’ out of life.

About now I’m beginning to wonder when our journey begins. You’ve got me interested by page six and your characters and the plot is just beginning – or is it?

Pages 32 – 36 We’re back with Martin and Nick again, establishing that Nick is a racist a**hole who can’t count. What is he 56 and 10 or 11 during the war? I think he lost 20 or 30 years somewhere. Ok! I understand that you’re trying to make him appear full of bulls*** , but that’s really pushing it.

While we’re on page 36 and haven’t actually gone any where yet – remind me, why are James and Cheryl in this?

Page 37 I already know Phil and Danielle are not nice people, you really don’t need to labour the point.
Page 38 Same again with Julian and Kaz.

Pages 39 – 40 More background on Kaz.

Page 40, mate. Right about now I’m wondering if I should forget this film and go to the pub instead.

41 – 55 More unnecessary background to establish plot. Jennifer’s pregnancy could have been dealt with in a page, maybe 2.

55 – 60 Finally! One hour into the film and the first mention of we might actually be going to do something and go somewhere. A hell of a lot of duologue in between.

61 – 64 Martin dreams about it, talks it over with Liam.

65 – 66 They finally get on their way.

66 -72 Pace is picking up a little now, not much, but the wife’s given me a nudge and woken me up, so something’s happening.

72 – 74 To get the lid off the crypt.

74 – 76 Ok with this, Liam’s following with Jennifer.

76 – 80 We now know that Martin’s in trouble and the whole gang friends, enemies, have turned up. Still ok with this, the pace is still moving along.

80 – 130 Big blood fest, everybody dies – jobs a good’n.

In actual fact, I thought the ending was pretty damn good. The last 50 pages didn’t so much move, as explode.

There is no question that you’re a very, very good writer. I take my hat off to you Sir. It’s a nice enough little tale – Blood Fest – and your characters, background and plot are very real and believable.

However, 60 pages to get off the ground is far too many.
20 – 25 is about right, even 30’s pushing it a little.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that most of your writing previously was for manuscripts. Your writing and descriptions are far more book than they are film.

On the positive side, you are a good story teller – the most important element.
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_ghostwriter
Posted: November 20th, 2009, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Scoob,

I commend you on finishing a feature.  Some writers can whip out a short but to have them complete a feature... "Deer in the headlights," look.  But having said that, you have problems with your writing.  Some parts are written good and the rest needs work.  

This is not a novel but a script.  Like night and day, Sir.

A lot more of this... The windshield SPLINTERS... Moments pass in silence... He slams the boot shut.

And a lot less of this...

Page#4 - Kieron looks back at the damage to his shattered windshield.  He can see a single hole - the size of a bullet - and that the windshield looks to have shattered from that impact.

Overkill-- unnecessary-- repititive.  I understand what your trying to relay but others will find this confusing.  Just take out that last, so called sentence, you don't need it.

Page#27 - DANIELLE CASEY 22, slim, tall, and very pretty with a cheeky, teasing looking smile.  She knows what she looks like and seems to enjoy the attention from the crowd, knowing they want her but can't get near her or wouldn't have a chance if they tried.  Very sure of herself.

I don't care what anyone say's, this is not good.  How about we strike out everything after your first period and put in, "She's a hottie and knows it."  That alone saves you three lines Scoob not too mention it gets your point across or if not, still cut most of your description and show us as your script plays out.

But this is just Ghostwriter.

Page#12 - your voice over phone conversation...  

                     VOICE (FEMALE V.O)

Change the "VOICE" character, throw in "FEMALE."  It should be like this...

                      FEMALE (V.O.)
Yes, I know when it comes to scripts now days, there becoming more liberal but not this far to the left.  You know what I mean?  This is the more common method.

Lost of passive verbiage man, that you can easily get rid off.  Yes, I know lots of major scripts are littered with them, but that doesn't mean you need to follow suit.

As far as your story goes, it is bizzare but most horror films are.  For the most part, I thought you did alright with your main character.  I'd move the bulk of the action up by atleast 15 pages because to be honest, it was a slow read and of course some of the clunky writing didn't help and... most horror fans will probably take issue with this.  

You could easily cut this from 130 pages to 110.  If you ever hope of trying to sell this, your going to have too.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter


BODY HEAT: SUMMER OF SIN
REAP and SOW
BATTLE OF THE AMAZONS
THE TIME GUARDIAN - WHEN A SECRET GOVERNMENT PROGRAM GOES HORRIBLY WRONG, A GUARDIAN FROM THE FUTURE MUST RESTORE THE TIMELINE AND AVERT APOCALYPSE. "PRAY SHE'S NOT TOO LATE."

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriter  -  November 20th, 2009, 2:56am
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Scoob
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Aweseome.

Thanks guys, wow,

Wow, thats a lot more of a response than I expected, but thank you so much

I'm just happy you lot read his thing and reviewed it, thats really cool I will pay you all back no worries

Muse32, thamnks for enjoying it and flipping 'eck, man - 9/`10!!!?
All good to me! lol
Glad u enjoyed it, your review made my day to be honest.

Malcolm3, I owe you a read, and thank you for reading. Thanks for sticking with it. It's not the quickest slasher flick in the world but hey! Look at the time scale on Halloween or Wolf Creek! No, I'm not comparing those movies....lol

Thanks Malc, PM me with one of yours and ill try my best to read and give my thoughts,

And thank you to Ghostwriter22, who has made some awesome points too and I wanna thank you very much sir for that.

All three, thank you guys.

Scoob








Revision History (1 edits)
Scoob  -  November 20th, 2009, 7:44am
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malcolm3
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You are most welcome dear sir. Thank you for your aknowledgement. As to my scripts - Living With The Beast  - a 22 page (1st of a serial episode) will be up shortly. By all means have a look.
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Muse32
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You're welcome

I think a few bits might need to be chopped off here and there through the build up, because it would be a shame for people to put this down half way through and miss the big pay off at the end.

Just a few suggestions to maybe cut out or rework the following scenes:

* (Shorten) the beginning maybe, with Vince introducing Martin to the job and showing him around. They begin talking on page 6, and Vince doesnt leave till page 11 - you know what I mean? Kind of a long talk, maybe cut it down to 3 pages instead of 5?

* The banter with Nick and Martin about the Gypsies aint really pushing the story forward IMO, maybe re-write or take out?

* The Inspector dialogue, aint really neccassary either, as later on they don't have a care in the world and the times Nick and Martin are spending together bonding.

I think the above would save you 10+ pages maybe, and still keep the atmosphere. For me, the story didn't get into full swing until page 57, when Nick talks about Grave Robbing and asks Martin to join... that's when I got into it properly as this hidden agenda of his became very interesting to Martin.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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Scoob
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Good ideas there Muse32, thanks.

I'm looking to cut this down to atleast 115 pages, and following above advice I should be able to do this by knocking out too many unneeded sentences and descriptions. I'm going to try to keep my eye on the ball and keep things moving along.

I need to get to the action quicker so, as you have suggested, I'll try to knock a few of the earlier scenes out and hopefully it wont make Nick's character any less vile and hated.

With any luck, and if I get it down to 115, I'll then look at trying to shorten it even more but one step at a time.

Thanks again for reading this and dropping off your thoughts, much appreciated

EDIT: So far have got this mothersucker down to 120. All of your comments have really helped. I'm realizing this passive/assertive type of writing and hope this comes across in the next draft. I think one of my main probs of late has been writing more directly from treatments that I write with too much description in, with no regard to how many pages it might actually take up. Especially since this  was an old one that I tried to "invigorate", I think all I ended up doing was adding to it and making it longer. It was probably better off as it was.

Have also cut out a lot of scenes that probably dont really need to be there. They dont push the story ahead in many ways so their loss wont be missed. I think it will be safe to say this will get to be a 115 page in no time, but I am kinda sad that it means taking out little parts which I did feel made the latter slashfest actually mean something. But we shall see

Anyways, thanks to you guys. Hope the next draft fits the bill.




Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Scoob  -  November 23rd, 2009, 11:48pm
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Bit of a let down but have finished this at 118 pages, was really hoping for 115 atleast. It ended up becoming a little bit harder than I thought.

I'll post this latest version soon and hope it has improved on the faults that were picked up on previously. Not all, I imagine. But some.

Story remains the same, I havnt done any changes in that aspect. Just have tried to cut down the overwriting and taken out scenes that probably didnt really enhance the story by much.




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Scoob  -  December 1st, 2009, 3:55am
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Scoob
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Thanks Don for posting the latest draft.

It's been cut down to 118 pages but now I think I could cut it down a lot more after having a quick glance at it.

Anyways, hope this version is not so heavy on the overwriting. Trying to cut that down was the main priority for this draft.

Cheers




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Scoob  -  December 9th, 2009, 7:28pm
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bangston_15
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hey scoob.

Just wanted to say I started this to late in the night to finish in it one read. I've enjoyed it so far, seeing as horror isn't really my thing, but it sounded interesting.

The beginning scene was chilling, and it instantly drew me in. When you said what was in the boot, I wanted to know what he was going to do with the girl. It was disturbing but I liked it. That doesn't make me sound like a crazy person, does it? Haha.

One thing I'm a bit confused about is you said it was a bullet hole that made them serve. I don't think a bullet would make him swerve if she got shot (which I'm jus assuming since she was holding her shoulder). I guess it would eventually, but not instantly.
But back to my point. I think he should have hit an animal, and not had his window shot at because later in the scene

***SPOILERS***

he gets hit with an axe. I don't think a murderer would be able to carry both of those things with him, so choose a weapon and stick with it.

When Vince and Martin first meet, Vince seems nice and is nice and then BAM he's suddenly very rude and this didn't make sense to me. He didn't really seem like he was acting strict about the rules. He just seemed plain old rude.

page 18 - bottom - you tell us more that it's Nick's car, but watchingit, you wouldn't know. I think if there was something to set it apart or if Martin would scoff at the sight of it we would understand better.

page 19 - you say to us twice that nick is relaxed. Take out the second one, because it isn't as useful as the first.

page 21-25 - the club scene, you can cut out most of it because it doens't really advance the story. i may be eating my words later if it does, but you could easily take out these four pages

I've reached page 30 and I don't think I'm going to finish it. Your writing is good, you just need to go and fix minor mistakes in punctuation. It was just a little too slow for me I guess. You're a good writer though, and things flowed well.

Bangston


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James McClung
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Wow! This was a trip.

Nevertheless, this was a mixed bag for me. At times, I absolutely loved it. Others, you lost me although there was never a point I disliked it. I loved Nick. I thought he was a very unique character. I think I liked him better in the beginning. He seemed like a real dude then and you had the perfect balance of friendliness and his more sinister eccentricities. He was a complete enigma but it was all too apparent that something was not right with him. The tension at the gatehouse could be cut with a knife. By the end, he was basically a movie character but still had a good deal of flair.

Your characters were decent. Martin wasn't exactly a standup guy but I saw where he was coming from and generally felt for him. There is, however, an instance where Liam asks him to save Jennifer, he makes a half-assed attempt then says sorry. Lose this. No matter how you slice it, Martin's responsible for this mess. You'll lose him with some people and this would probably be the final nail in the coffin for anyone who's on the fence about the guy.

Liam and Jennifer were also decent characters. I'd introduce Liam a little earlier just so it's apparent that he's going to be a protagonist. Him and Martin switch far too much between the lime light. Gotta have more balance. I'd cut down on a lot of their exposition though. The scene at the nursery can go. The club scenes can be cut down. You could probably handle the cheating a little differently. Maybe you could lose it entirely but it does do a little something. Overall, about 5-10 more pages, you can lose, I'd say.

There's a character called "The Ghoul." It shows up once then disappears completely. What the hell?

The structure was the biggest issue for me. Sometimes it worked great. There's a helluva lot of twists here. I genuinely never had the plot figured out. The "family" of killers did kinda ruin it for me though. The gore was ace. Way more brutal than most scripts around here and even the rape was especially vile, despite so many people writing about this kinda stuff. Loved the Nazi iconography. The dead fetuses were sick. But what ruined things for me was the fact that I thought this was going to be about grave robbing and that Martin was going to be alone with this sinister yet remarkably friendly cat. It would've been a whole other story but it could've been great. What you have now generally suits my tastes and I think it's a little more sophisticated than a lot of other horror scripts here. I don't know. I guess I was just disappointed that this wasn't what I thought.

I didn't understand the ritual at the end. How were they going to have Satan's baby? What was the ritual? Too much eluding, not enough explanation. You could've had it but then your script would be even longer. Maybe if you cut out some of the rape and torture, you could have it. Maybe you don't want to do that but I think a ritual would've set this apart from the rest.

So I don't know. The structure's pretty clunky and the length is something of a killer but what you did, you did well. The gore was creative, brutal and surprisingly unfunny despite how over-the-top it was. I also dug the overall British flavor. It made the bad guys a lot more interesting to me although I suppose they're pretty standard to you. I think if you cut this down into the early hundreds or late 90s, it'd be a lot easier to swallow.


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