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Sheepskin by Sean Elwood - Horror, Thriller - A couple is held hostage in their home by a stranger who claims that the wife is pregnant with the antichrist. 84 pages - pdf format
That was very quick, Don. Thank you for your service.
This script was also written just as quickly. I started it at the beginning of this year and put it off at about 20-ish pages in.
Summer and autumn came and went, and on the weekend of Christmas, I opened it back up and finished it in three days. That quickness will probably show, but, I digress. Merry Christmas to me (and with an appropriate story at that).
Anyway, thanks again, to Don, and to those who decide to give this a read. Think ROSEMARY'S BABY meets A KNOCK AT THE CABIN.
Sean, I planned on just reading the first 10 but this flew by to the point I was able to read it effortlessly in one sitting.
Terrific idea budget-wise, most of it is contained to one setting, (excluding the flashback scenes) which should make it very attractive to produce.
SPOILERS FOLLOW:
I want to suggest a few things regarding where I think the script could be even stronger:
Myra should be more desperate to have a child. The conversation that ensues between Myra and Jay about her desire to have a baby appears incidental, as if the idea only grew on her after she miscarried twice, when I think it should be a passionate driving force throughout.
Great foreshadowing as to Myra's true nature btw when in a conversation with her Mum on the phone she says: 'no prayers'. Lil subtle nuggets like this maketh the script even better imho.
Becky should be older. Her character comes across older, she even mentions that she is 'old' later in the script, perhaps in jest but even so. 48 ain't that old, she should be more like 70 or older - in the neighbourhood her whole life, knows the townhouses inside out, clogged toilet etc.
While I'm on Becky and the cable guy - I thought it was interesting both were not casualties.
Speaking of, I think it would be better if Becky doesn't knock on the door in the first instance. Why would she come out in a storm to announce that she'll be back later with cookies? It's better imho if she comes to welcome the couple later and Gabe predicts her visit at the exact time, after the sound of the ambo going down the street etc. He claims to have vivid images, can foretell things so this would work well alongside other things like:
You have a book sitting on your nightstand. Inside the top drawer is a bottle of Benadryl, two peppermint candies, and a journal with three pens.
This (above) terrific - loved it when Gabe started offering proof. You need more of this. Otherwise as one of the characters says: he could have inspected the place when it was up for sale.
I would go so far (to make it interesting/startling) that you detail this specifically - the book's title, the brand of peppermint candy, the type of pens - one black, blue and red etc.
Elaborate on details that he's seen in his head - to convince Myra and Jay.
One criticism I have of those scenes (the discussions with Gabe proving himself) and what he has to do is that they're a little repetitive and the scene takes time to really gain momentum. This guy is desperate so giving us a bit more 'Funny Games' wouldn't go astray until we know his prime motivation.
The flashbacks need more specificity re what town/city we're in (in the sluglines) - perhaps even how Myra comes to be in contact with Athena.
The bar scene doesn't gel with me. The dialogue/banter between Myra and Luke needs to be way more sophisticated and slick and I had trouble (even if Luke has some magnetic pull) that she would so easily succumb to this stranger's charms to the point of infidelity. If it were me I'd have him appear supernaturally with a nightmare/dreamlike quality when Myra is having the spell cast at Athena's - depict it as a mix of pleasure and horror, have her unsure if it/he is real, if what happened was real. But if course then afterwards she's pregnant -again unsure, doubting what's real and not.
Gabe's character left me thinking afterwards - why him? No real connection is established. Did you consider more than just the one character pursuing Myra?
If you're going all out horror you surely need Myra to cut the baby's cord, or maybe bite through it?
Finally, I'm not sure the final artwork image on its own is satisfying enough - it did remind me of some of the images in The Devil's Advocate - which came to life, so maybe if reanimated, and maybe if in conjunction with some real-life apocalyptic events occurring.
Interesting that you made the devil-child female.
I'm on the fence with your title. Take out the Draft number on the title page - nobody needs to see the mechanics involved. And I'm not sure what I'm looking at with your 'drone' opening.
Sean, great stuff all round, thoroughly entertaining, just needs some gaps filling and finessing and you certainly have the pages to do it.
P.S. The poster is great except the lower half looks like a diaper, unless I'm not looking at it right.
Sean, I planned on just reading the first 10 but this flew by to the point I was able to read it effortlessly in one sitting.
Terrific idea budget-wise, most of it is contained to one setting, (excluding the flashback scenes) which should make it very attractive to produce.
Thanks for reading this, Libby, and reading the entire thing in one sitting. I am glad its as an easy read for you. I already have a filmmaker interested in this piece and I'm gonna pass some of the ideas you've suggested on to him. But until then, here is my reply to your critique, which I'm very appreciative of.
Myra should be more desperate to have a child. The conversation that ensues between Myra and Jay about her desire to have a baby appears incidental, as if the idea only grew on her after she miscarried twice, when I think it should be a passionate driving force throughout.
After re-reading the script a few times, I completely agree. I don't know why I had them have that conversation and then Myra is so set on having the child so suddenly. I think it would make sense if she always wanted to be a mother, too.
Great foreshadowing as to Myra's true nature btw when in a conversation with her Mum on the phone she says: 'no prayers'. Lil subtle nuggets like this maketh the script even better imho.
This, among many other subtle little things, are sprinkled throughout the script. For instance:
MYRA = Mary JAY = Joseph GABE = Gabriel, the angel sent from Heaven LUKE = Lucifer THE MOVE = the trek to Bethlehem BECKY & CASPER = the wise men
Becky should be older. Her character comes across older, she even mentions that she is 'old' later in the script, perhaps in jest but even so. 48 ain't that old, she should be more like 70 or older - in the neighbourhood her whole life, knows the townhouses inside out, clogged toilet etc.
I like this suggestion. I'll make her actually old haha.
Speaking of, I think it would be better if Becky doesn't knock on the door in the first instance. Why would she come out in a storm to announce that she'll be back later with cookies? It's better imho if she comes to welcome the couple later and Gabe predicts her visit at the exact time, after the sound of the ambo going down the street etc.
I introduced Becky at the beginning just so we were aware that she was a character that would return later. I felt it would've been a bit jarring if she suddenly showed up late into the script for just one instance. Which is doable. I just feel "more" should happen if that's the case. Something I can work on, but for now, I'll take the suggestion to heart.
He claims to have vivid images, can foretell things so this would work well alongside other things like:
You have a book sitting on your nightstand. Inside the top drawer is a bottle of Benadryl, two peppermint candies, and a journal with three pens.
This (above) terrific - loved it when Gabe started offering proof. You need more of this. Otherwise as one of the characters says: he could have inspected the place when it was up for sale.
I would go so far (to make it interesting/startling) that you detail this specifically - the book's title, the brand of peppermint candy, the type of pens - one black, blue and red etc.
Elaborate on details that he's seen in his head - to convince Myra and Jay.
Good thinking. He needs to be as detailed as he can to try and convince Myra and Jay, who are willing to not believe him no matter what.
One criticism I have of those scenes (the discussions with Gabe proving himself) and what he has to do is that they're a little repetitive and the scene takes time to really gain momentum. This guy is desperate so giving us a bit more 'Funny Games' wouldn't go astray until we know his prime motivation.
I watched the first half of Funny Games and then turned it off when they rewound to the very beginning and started playing the movie all over again lmao. I should sit down and actually watch it all in one sitting. But, yes, you're right. It's very repetitive. I need to find more ways for Gabe to try and convince Myra and Jay about what he's there for, because I feel the same way.
The flashbacks need more specificity re what town/city we're in (in the sluglines) - perhaps even how Myra comes to be in contact with Athena.
I like the idea of showing how Myra comes into contact with Athena. That could be interesting and help disperse the flashbacks a bit better throughout the script.
The bar scene doesn't gel with me. The dialogue/banter between Myra and Luke needs to be way more sophisticated and slick and I had trouble (even if Luke has some magnetic pull) that she would so easily succumb to this stranger's charms to the point of infidelity. If it were me I'd have him appear supernaturally with a nightmare/dreamlike quality when Myra is having the spell cast at Athena's - depict it as a mix of pleasure and horror, have her unsure if it/he is real, if what happened was real. But if course then afterwards she's pregnant -again unsure, doubting what's real and not.
If I gather what you're saying correctly, you mean that Luke appears during the ritual and impregnates her right then and there, yet she is unaware if it's real or not? I like that idea if that's the case. The bar scene is a little jarring for sure, and if I remove it and go with what you suggested, it'll help limit the locations needed. Let me experiment with it.
Gabe's character left me thinking afterwards - why him? No real connection is established. Did you consider more than just the one character pursuing Myra?
This is true. I don't know why Gabe was chosen, apart from the fact that he's an obstetrician. I'll work more on this part of the story.
If you're going all out horror you surely need Myra to cut the baby's cord, or maybe bite through it?
Hah, you caught me gay guy-handed. I tried my best to be as realistic with a pregnant character as possible and totally forgot about the umbilical cord. Her biting through it would definitely be gnarly! I'll play with that visual, too.
Finally, I'm not sure the final artwork image on its own is satisfying enough - it did remind me of some of the images in The Devil's Advocate - which came to life, so maybe if reanimated, and maybe if in conjunction with some real-life apocalyptic events occurring.
This was something that the filmmaker who is interested in this script showed me. I saw the painting and immediately fell in love with it, despite how terrifying the image actually is. I figured something similar to it, live-action, would be just as horrifying as a "last shot" to show that the apocalypse has occurred.
This was also a suggestion from the filmmaker. It was his idea to make the antichrist female, which I was unsure of at first but rolled with it. Typically it's male, but I guess the Devil doesn't discriminate when it comes to gender. Filmmaker's reasoning was to "scare the male patriarchy" with the idea haha.
And I'm not sure what I'm looking at with your 'drone' opening.
If you're talking about the Bible verse at the beginning, it foreshadows Gabe as a prophetic figure, despite him being right about everything. Additionally, Myra is wearing her own sheepskin, knowing that she is carrying the antichrist, yet she acts like she doesn't know anything.
Sean, great stuff all round, thoroughly entertaining, just needs some gaps filling and finessing and you certainly have the pages to do it.[./quote]
Thank you! Yes, I want to get this as close to 90 pages as possible. Considering how much dialogue there is, it'd probably play quicker than the whole 1 page = 1 minute rule.
[quote=LC]P.S. The poster is great except the lower half looks like a diaper, unless I'm not looking at it right.
Okay, now I can't unsee this. Thanks! She is wearing white pants. However the image was cut off at her head and her knees when I found it. But yes, it does look like she's wearing a diaper now. Great! Hahaha
Thanks again for reading, Libby. Great suggestions, as always. I'm happy you enjoyed it.
The opening scene creates a big issue and it's cliché. As in, here's something to grab your audience's attention before we tune it back. This technique does work for certain films but it's getting harder and harder for the audience to buy in.
Your opening scene gives the information to your audience that your characters are tied to a chair/beaten up. It makes it very easy for your reader to lose focus afterwards.
why not just skip to that part? That's what they'll be asking themselves the moment they see Gab come in, "get on with it".
Then there's the whole issue I have with 'the gig is up'. You gave me 1. They're gonna get tied up and beaten up 2. That Myra actually has the antichrist as Gab talks too much and he speaks the truth about the future 3. You even wanna make sure the audience knows he's telling the truth by showing to your audience Myra went to a witch/voodoo. I know this within 30 pages.
Now I just want to see the conclusion now that I know. Making the whole meat of the script lose all its tension. There's some pacing issue around pages 35-70 where the story starts to lag.
The use of thunder is overkill, it's already a cliché and you use it repetitively. Try something different to conceal their screams/gun.
After reading this I really see Gab as the protagonist of your story. And I need you to pull it one way or another. Either make him the antagonist or protagonist.
Some notes/food for thought on Gab's character.
First his character wouldn't forget the cable guy. He's been tormented by these visions. He wouldn't forget about it. Would you? Imagine nightmares about how the world ends and you know exactly every detail of the night it is born. It plays over and over in your head. I don't believe for a second Gab would forget about the cable guy. In fact why risk it? The stake of humanity relies on him. Letting Becky walk in? What if she sees something and runs out, calls the cops? Why risk all of humanity?
Gab isn't as calm and collective as I would believe him to be. He's been waiting, planning for this. For him to be believable I want him to take care of Jay and Myra. If that is his goal is to only kill the antichrist.
He only wants to kill "it". His dialogue and action makes him appear crazy rather than sane so it makes him none believable. Which contradicts his predictions. We know he's telling the truth so why make him edgy in such a way?
He even admits they can do whatever they want to him after. In Gab's perspective he has no choice but to do this as if he's forced to. I want to see his internal struggle. His humanity/compassion vs what he has to do.
Flashbacks.
Are they that important? The only 1 that got me captivated was the Luke subplot.
Luke is a good flashback but do I really care about Myra's and Jay's relationship? Do I feel the pain for him and the guilt she has? Not really. I mean I haven't seen them fight for each other. Jay especially, I wanna feel his pain of being betrayed. For that you need to have me believe in their love.
P.S not a big fan of the title.
I think you have an indie horror suspense film on your hands. Needs a strong rewrite. I would say put it away for a few months and come back to it with fresh eyes and notes.
The opening scene creates a big issue and it's cliché. As in, here's something to grab your audience's attention before we tune it back. This technique does work for certain films but it's getting harder and harder for the audience to buy in.
Your opening scene gives the information to your audience that your characters are tied to a chair/beaten up. It makes it very easy for your reader to lose focus afterwards.
why not just skip to that part? That's what they'll be asking themselves the moment they see Gab come in, "get on with it".
This is supposed to be the hook to draw the audience in. Certainly there could be another way to go about doing it. I've even though recently about removing it but then I'd be afraid it'd start off too slow (but then again, this isn't a strict horror script, so I don't necessarily need a scary/thrilling opening). Let me try out a couple things and see if anything else works.
Then there's the whole issue I have with 'the gig is up'. You gave me 1. They're gonna get tied up and beaten up 2. That Myra actually has the antichrist as Gab talks too much and he speaks the truth about the future 3. You even wanna make sure the audience knows he's telling the truth by showing to your audience Myra went to a witch/voodoo. I know this within 30 pages.
Now I just want to see the conclusion now that I know. Making the whole meat of the script lose all its tension. There's some pacing issue around pages 35-70 where the story starts to lag.
These are definitely weaker points of the script that I need to flesh out on. As Libby mentioned above, there's not much background on Gabe. This could be my opportunity to flesh out the story another 10 pages by working on his character. Maybe he drops a bottle of pills that are used for a mental illness such as schizophrenia? And Jay is actually a pharmacist or something instead, and recognizes the pill name? This can definitely throw the audience off for sure.
After reading this I really see Gab as the protagonist of your story. And I need you to pull it one way or another. Either make him the antagonist or protagonist.
Some notes/food for thought on Gab's character.
First his character wouldn't forget the cable guy. He's been tormented by these visions. He wouldn't forget about it. Would you? Imagine nightmares about how the world ends and you know exactly every detail of the night it is born. It plays over and over in your head. I don't believe for a second Gab would forget about the cable guy. In fact why risk it? The stake of humanity relies on him. Letting Becky walk in? What if she sees something and runs out, calls the cops? Why risk all of humanity?
Gab isn't as calm and collective as I would believe him to be. He's been waiting, planning for this. For him to be believable I want him to take care of Jay and Myra. If that is his goal is to only kill the antichrist.
He only wants to kill "it". His dialogue and action makes him appear crazy rather than sane so it makes him none believable. Which contradicts his predictions. We know he's telling the truth so why make him edgy in such a way?
He even admits they can do whatever they want to him after. In Gab's perspective he has no choice but to do this as if he's forced to. I want to see his internal struggle. His humanity/compassion vs what he has to do.
This is all very helpful on developing Gabe's character more, which I mentioned above that I need to do. I definitely want to see an internal struggle with his character, and you bring up some good points. I tried doing that with the part where Gabe holds the gun to both Jay and Myra's heads and then stops himself. But I can definitely try more options.
Are they that important? The only 1 that got me captivated was the Luke subplot.
Luke is a good flashback but do I really care about Myra's and Jay's relationship? Do I feel the pain for him and the guilt she has? Not really. I mean I haven't seen them fight for each other. Jay especially, I wanna feel his pain of being betrayed. For that you need to have me believe in their love.
And I've rid of that scene in this upcoming draft and changed it up a bit. I'll work on it.
I think you have an indie horror suspense film on your hands. Needs a strong rewrite. I would say put it away for a few months and come back to it with fresh eyes and notes.
Definitely a good idea to put it away for a few months and come back to it. It certainly does need more work, and your suggestions have been very useful. Thank you for taking the time to read and make your comments!
Thanks for the suggestions. I love them and definitely want to work with some of them. I'm still considering other options for titles but can't seem to come up with one that sticks as much as I enjoy "Sheepskin".
To everyone,
An updated draft is up. I took in suggestions from both Libby and SamIHam. Still a couple mess-ups here and there in the script after going through it again, but this should be the cleanest draft.
I'm currently curating a scene showing where Gabe goes when he leaves to grab his "supplies" so expect an updated draft at least showing that scene soon (don't worry, Sam, I will be shelving this project once it feels officially completed—which I know is never a case).
I enjoyed it. I’m not much in the way of deep analysis but I was thinking in terms of alternative titles maybe ….snake skin would be a good alternative title or incarnation
I was thinking as well about the ending. I felt it was a bit predictable to have Myra choose the baby out of maternal love ….since it’s very similar to other films so I thought maybe a better twist is have Jay sacrifice her out love for the child. He wants to be a father.
I know it would probably require to much of a rewrite but I thought I would throw it out there
Thanks for the suggestions. I love them and definitely want to work with some of them. I'm still considering other options for titles but can't seem to come up with one that sticks as much as I enjoy "Sheepskin".
The reason I don't like the title Sheepskin is for the following reasons. I'm not saying these reasons are the "right" reasons to dislike the name but it might guide you.
First, let's see if I got the reason correct as to why you named it sheepskin. The wife is the antagonist of the story but appears to be just a sheep, a prey.
Reasons:
1. The idea isn't bad but there's no connotation throughout the script about sheeps. Or predators/preys, wolves and all that stuff. Its a good title but for a different movie.
2.The word sheep is weak. The word doesn't grab, intrigue, or spook. Example the movie Raging Bull there's no bull in the film. But Bull is a strong animal, it has meaning in a lot of cultures. Raging Bull incarnates exactly who the protagonist is in the movie. Your movie isn't all about the wife and her being a sheepskin.
3. Your title isn't pointing at the right spot.
I think the title should point toward what's at the center of it all. For your script, it's all about the baby. No baby, no Gabe, no drama between the wife and husband, no witch, no story.
4. Marketing. Horror movies are simple, especially indie films. It's all in the simplicity. Look at horror movie titles and see how they're all straight forward no metaphors/symbolic titles. (for the most part) Your audience doesn't want to be thinking about what is a sheepskin. Visualize the people that would want to see this picture.
The Devil's Seed is the strongest title on the list I saw. But the word "Devil" is overused and a gimmick.
P.S I don't wanna give you ideas for a title. I think this needs to come from you.
This is fantastic. Extremely well-paced, this thing never drags for a moment.
Some of the dialog can be a bit on the nose at times, but for the most part, it has an organic flow to it. Quickly established the two leads and made me want them to make it through to the end. Great character work all around.
Loved the structure of this. So tight and concise. I believe this would work great as a stage play. Because of this unique structure, I think this can be produced on a very small budget. Won't be surprised at all if this one gets picked up quick. Makes it even more impressive when I consider that you wrote this monster in only a few days!
No real complaints, other than some of the dialog. No suggestions. You knocked it out of the park, Sean. Fantastic work.
I'll throw my two cents on the title. Sheepskin is a great title, in my opinion. I'd stick with it.
I enjoyed it. I’m not much in the way of deep analysis but I was thinking in terms of alternative titles maybe ….snake skin would be a good alternative title or incarnation
I was thinking as well about the ending. I felt it was a bit predictable to have Myra choose the baby out of maternal love ….since it’s very similar to other films so I thought maybe a better twist is have Jay sacrifice her out love for the child. He wants to be a father.
I know it would probably require to much of a rewrite but I thought I would throw it out there
Snakeskin is a good suggestion! I like it. It sounds just as sinister as the current title.
Jay sacrificing Myra would certainly be an interesting twist that I didn't think of. That would be something to consider for sure. I read this comment a while ago and that suggestion has stuck with me since reading it.
The reason I don't like the title Sheepskin is for the following reasons. I'm not saying these reasons are the "right" reasons to dislike the name but it might guide you.
First, let's see if I got the reason correct as to why you named it sheepskin. The wife is the antagonist of the story but appears to be just a sheep, a prey.
Reasons:
1. The idea isn't bad but there's no connotation throughout the script about sheeps. Or predators/preys, wolves and all that stuff. Its a good title but for a different movie.
2.The word sheep is weak. The word doesn't grab, intrigue, or spook. Example the movie Raging Bull there's no bull in the film. But Bull is a strong animal, it has meaning in a lot of cultures. Raging Bull incarnates exactly who the protagonist is in the movie. Your movie isn't all about the wife and her being a sheepskin.
3. Your title isn't pointing at the right spot.
I think the title should point toward what's at the center of it all. For your script, it's all about the baby. No baby, no Gabe, no drama between the wife and husband, no witch, no story.
4. Marketing. Horror movies are simple, especially indie films. It's all in the simplicity. Look at horror movie titles and see how they're all straight forward no metaphors/symbolic titles. (for the most part) Your audience doesn't want to be thinking about what is a sheepskin. Visualize the people that would want to see this picture.
The Devil's Seed is the strongest title on the list I saw. But the word "Devil" is overused and a gimmick.
P.S I don't wanna give you ideas for a title. I think this needs to come from you.
These are all very good points. Thanks for the guidance and I'm certainly going to use them to my advantage if I come up with a better title. It seems that there's a balance between those who believe it fits, and those who don't. Your advice is definitely helpful though.
Quoted from Zack
This is fantastic. Extremely well-paced, this thing never drags for a moment.
Some of the dialog can be a bit on the nose at times, but for the most part, it has an organic flow to it. Quickly established the two leads and made me want them to make it through to the end. Great character work all around.
Loved the structure of this. So tight and concise. I believe this would work great as a stage play. Because of this unique structure, I think this can be produced on a very small budget. Won't be surprised at all if this one gets picked up quick. Makes it even more impressive when I consider that you wrote this monster in only a few days!
No real complaints, other than some of the dialog. No suggestions. You knocked it out of the park, Sean. Fantastic work.
I'll throw my two cents on the title. Sheepskin is a great title, in my opinion. I'd stick with it.
Thanks for reading Zack! I'm happy to hear you liked it. If I recall correctly, you've read an earlier draft than what I have now, so I'm hoping I cleaned up some of the dialogue parts you were talking about.
I've never thought of it being a stageplay before. But I can totally see it being something like that! It is a very dialogue/character-driven piece. I'm glad that you cared for the characters and that they and the conversation/story kept your interest.
Torn on the title still, but we'll find out if I come up with something new, whenever.
Snakeskin is a good suggestion! I like it. It sounds just as sinister as the current title.
Jay sacrificing Myra would certainly be an interesting twist that I didn't think of. That would be something to consider for sure. I read this comment a while ago and that suggestion has stuck with me since reading it.
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