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Sam, I Am by I.C. Kareem - Short, Crime, Historical Fiction, Thriller - A heat wave, a blackout, and a serial killer take their toll on three Studio 54 patrons on July 13, 1977. - pdf format
This one is whacky, waaaay out there man. It has a stellar cast and location. The writing had me confused. It was too precise on the action, describing the actors movements robot fashion. I had no idea what the GUN P.O.V was or where at first which threw me out of the story until the lights went out but by then I was skimming.
The biggest problem for me is it has dialogue. You have characters talking in the action. Which, for me, goes against the constraints of the challenge.
Bravo for attempting something so grand though and entering.
-Mark
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Why are the names of the characters on single lines by themselves?
It was hard to keep up with the story because of the writing style. Not sure why the Son of Sam was shooting at them wasn't his style but i guess you were tying in two NYC bits of history.
Writing wise solid as they come. Story wise not my cup of tea. Don't think you need the celibrity characters. Most importantly, the heat seems irrelevant. All the action could take place with or without it.
A pound of cocaine?!?!? Must've been a huge frickin' mirror!
What's up with the black void? And the gun POV? I'm a bit lost.
Who is the night vision's POV? A flashlight in her jean's pocket? This must've been written by someone that didn't live in the '70s. Those jeans were so tight that women couldn't put a credit card in their back pocket! Even with that, the '70s sucked.
Sorry, not for me. I'm confused as hell what just happened. Good effort and kudos for entering!
Yeah this lost me and its way towards the end. i don't know the full story of the Son of Sam case and it seems to be linked with a famous NYC blackout.
But the weather isn't a factor and you have dialogue. Not in the true sense but its there so...
Writing stripes, you’ve already got them. That was fluid and basically all the technique and what not looked flawless to me.
So, the story itself. I hate to join the chorus, really I do, but it’s just too out there. It’s a shame as you’ve nailed half of it, and just the actual story stuff ain’t there!! You want to know the good news? This should mean that Jeff loves it (according to our pre challenge discussion)!
Anyway, swing and a miss but I’m well curious to know who this is,
I like the surreal tinge and would love to see this a few drafts later. A few thoughts to ponder: 1] It says "the handkerchief" but no handkerchief has been introduced. 2] Who takes a flashlight to a disco? 3] Why does the guard pull a gun just to put it away. 4] Too much talking in the descriptions, not a contender for the no-dialogue challenge. Keep going!
Well, I love The Stones, but it seems they did do the glam/disco stuff which I didn't care for. You held my interest here with this story. It was nice to take a trip back in time. I would like to read the rewrite if you do one. Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
A pound of coke? WTF? How big is the table and mirror this is on, or is it that you have no clue how much a pound of coke is?
"GUN BARREL P.O.V." - MARLON - WTF? Makes no sense. First of all, how can we have a gun barrel POV? Are you saying it's of Marlon? Not formatted correctly.
Why is "MARLON" on its own line after the POV? Are you trying to use A Subject Slug?
"BLACK VOID" - as a Slug? WTF?
Page 2 - OK, so Clyde just arranged his pound of coke into a single line? Damn!!!
Well, once you intro all these stars, I know it's time for me to make an exit. I really don't care what's going to happen, as the writing is very poor and there's absolutely no story through 3 pages.
Writing stripes, you’ve already got them. That was fluid and basically all the technique and what not looked flawless to me.
So, the story itself. I hate to join the chorus, really I do, but it’s just too out there. It’s a shame as you’ve nailed half of it, and just the actual story stuff ain’t there!! You want to know the good news? This should mean that Jeff loves it (according to our pre challenge discussion)Cam
Really, Cam? Looks like 1 of us doesn't know what good writing looks like, as this is far from well written, easy to read/follow, visual, etc.
Funny thing is that I see alot of your reviews mention how good or flawless the writing is, when in reality, it's nowhere close.
I don't think there is a story to this one at all .... it's just sort of events that happen and end. Didn't really interest me a whole lot to be honest, I mean it wasn't bad, just nothing worked for with this.
The black void and later the gunbarrel p.o.v is strange. Do we see nothing but black then somehow see this barrel of the gun? Why is there a black void before the power cuts out? How can we tell the power is cut out when we only see the black void?
She asks Marlon and Clyde if they have their own flashlights.
How did she ask that without dialogue while the place is pitch black?
There are some references that I didn't get. Maybe if I had the cultural background needed I would have enjoyed this more. Nothing to complain about except your attempt to convey what the characters are saying without dialogue.
I just didn't get what you were going for with this. That's why I couldn't enjoy it.
I assume based on real life events , in fact I googled the picture and saw various of Jagger, Warhol etc
I’ve read a few in the past that try and re tell old stories - seems a harder ticket than normal
This is also one of those that probably needed dialogue more than others.
I wondered if you told the story purely from the shooters POV it would be crisper, probably creepy and unclear as to what will happen and why. Just a thought. Could then be quite contained.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr